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Tuesday
15 February 2000

 

9 48 pm pst   [ demons ]

The demons came last night. They knew there was safety in numbers, so they came in huge clumps -- dozens and dozens of intolerable memories. I seemed to be making some mental list of people I never want to see again. Matthew was fast asleep when they came. Tossing and turning could not disuade them from crawling around in my head.

I fought them with my bare hands, but I continued to lose. My fingernails became sharp claws.

 

 

 

[ claw ]

 

 

 

I was depondent. I staggered blindly from the bed. I walked upstairs and planted myself on the couch in the still of the early morning. "I just want to good to sleep." I said it out loud to the silence -- the darkness. The tears came. I let my frustration go. I calmed myself. I crawled back down into bed.

I considered waking him for comfort, but I just couldn't bring myself to. I resigned myself to lay there awake as long as it took. Bitterness crept in at the edges, while I did my best to keep the demons from my mind.

Why horrible people who and terrible experiences which I haven't thought about in years had to haunt me in the night is beyond me. I don't want you. I don't want you to ever come back here. This is my home.

 

 

 

And I have woken up feeling sick. The demons leave in the daylight, but they leave me with germs. Every breath I exhale is a swirl of invaders. There is a tightness in my throat. There is a soreness in my neck.

And the demons may try to haunt me again tonight. My pillow calls and I want to embrace it. I want to cradle my head in sleep, but tonight waves of memories may wash upon me again.

 

February 2000
February 1999
February 1998

 

 

 

[ pillow ]

 

 

 

two years ago today: "We had Mexican for dinner, since I was having a major craving for chips and salsa and he thought a margarita would sit well with him."

* * *

one year ago today: "I am making a camera obscura."

* * *

six months ago today: "...the best were the truck's mud flaps, which read: Jesus is Lord. Transportation for Christ."

* * *

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