Thursday
17 February 2000
2 18 pm pst [ his pump ]
I think a dream qualifies as a nightmare if it wakes you up with a start. Mine was wretched. Sleep was elusive last, and I felt bad because I knew I kept waking Matthew. He would sleepily ask me in his gentle way if everything was ok.
Actually, early last night I had a perfect conversation with him while he was sleeping [unlike the other day]. It always starts off with him saying something completely incoherent out loud. I asked, "What?" and he answered, "There is no alteration in the current."
Only I thought he said "ulteration" and since I was trying to figure out what he said, I asked confusedly about the "current". I figured he meant current as an adjective and he had skiped some important final word in the sentence. I forgot I was in bed with an civil engineering student. Suddenly I understood. "You mean like a wave?"
"Yes," he answered. He might have been awake then, but if he was, he had been dreaming about explaining it to me and he hadn't realized he had transitioned to reality.
I still had no idea what he was actually talking about, and I knew I had to pry without making him suspicious. "Can you explain it to me a little more?" That didn't work. He answered, "Can the answer be yes, but can we wait until tomorrow?" He was very sleepy. A new approach: "So what was that called again?" Strike two: "I don't really remember." I got frustrated: "Do you remember what we're talking about?" Perfect: "Yes. How my pump works with little or no change to the electricity."
You see, he has this air pump for a fish tank. Each student in his class was required to buy one. They have to take it all apart and model it on the computer. And Matthew dreams about his models at night. He loves them. We went bought him calipers the other day so he could measure the intricate parts. I said I wanted to measure the thickness of my finger nail. And my eyelashes. And my nipples. I leaned against him and giggled. He said, "Sweety!" with mock surprise, as if I could shock him after all this time.
He took his whole pump apart, and with a twinkle in his eye he announced to me yesterday that her understood how absolutely every part of it works. And at night, he explained it to me in his sleep. I only got a little bit of it when he was awake.
So, talking about pump with him while he was sleeping was great. Then I layed in bed restlessly for another hour until sleep hit me. But I was awake again a few hours later, and then again several hours after that.
Matthew woke me this morning when he was going off to school. When I fell back asleep I fell into my nightmare that ultimately woke me.
The first part of my dream involved me being with my mum at her school. This part is very hazy. She went somewhere and I was left in a large office. I can't remember quite what I was doing -- perhaps scooting the chairs around -- but I happened to make the office manager quite angry with me. It is possible my mum got mad too. That would have been in keeping with the theme of the dream.
The second part of the dream involved me home alone at my dad's house. David (my ex-boyfriend whom I am no longer on speaking terms with) called me. He said he wanted me to do some work for him. I said I knew I shouldn't, but I needed the money. I was always very honest with him. He said he would come right over. Minutes later my dad walked in the door. Only he didn't look like my dad; he was very tall and had poofy hair. But I knew he was my dad.
My dad was, for some unknown reason, mad at me, but he stayed out of my way in the kitchen, pensive. I picked up the phone to call David, but accidently hit the auto-dial button [I don't actually have auto-dail set on any phone I have ever used, but it was a dream...]. It called my friend and former boss Randy. He was very angry when I appologized for accidentally calling him -- as though answering the phone was some sort of great burden for him. The next time I picked up the phone, i somehow got connected to my dad's lne [there are two lines at my dad's house]. At this point my father entered my room. He was very cross and he began scolding me. I was trying to switch phone to a one line phone, but for some reason I couldn't get the second phone plugged in. I somehow ended up accidentally calling Randy again. He began lecturing me on how I needed to be more careful about who I called. I ran into my father's room, but when I picked up the phone line I could hear dozens of voices asking, "Hello? Is someone else on the line? What's wrong with the phone?" I sat bolt upright in bed and woke myself up.
11 48 pm pst [ a long walk ]
I had a fantastic long walk today. I filled my belly with cereal, took a long steamy shower, and then set our with my camera and wet hair.
The adventure was promising from the begining. In a pot outside the door I found numerous delicate white flowers. I filled the entire view with them and snapped my shot.
That seemed to be the theme of the day. I made my way to the Lawrence Hall of Science snapping a view of the most spectacular bright green. Once at the Hall, I found infinite mounds of grasses.
I tend to be pulled towards shapes; horizontal and vertical lines will always catch my eye.
I liked how bright the Eucalyptus acorns were. When I took this shot the stench of tar hung in the air.
When I set out I had no real purpose. I was simply wandering. I read a sign that said I was entering mountain lion habitat. Someone had crossed out mountain lion and written in yuppie, clearly making a statement about the neighborhood's residents.
I finally settled on the windpipes. I made my way slowly, as being sick has made me a bit weak. The pipes on a hill by the Hall. They have a large hole near the bottom, like a gaping mouth, and then a vertical slit on top. They sing to you on a windy day such as today. Their haunting sound is reminiscient of an orchestra tuning before a performance.
I sat and listened to their song for a long time. I enjoyed the private performance. The windpipes play best in the least hospitable conditions; the windier it is on the mountaintop the lounder the play their unrepeatable tune. Each windpipe excursion produced a unique preformance for the attendees.
Through the pipes I saw a strange shape. I just had to investigate. I climbed the hill and approached the curved shape. Immediately I saw the prisms' effect. There were at least two dozen. I caught several rainbows in my hand, knowing them to be as fleeting as the windpipe's song.
Matthew asks me if I ever have the urge to keep things to myself. I don't. I want to convey my experiences as much as I can. Documenting and sharing to not detract for me. I could write for days straight and I could never really convey the whine of the pipes or the way a rainbow fits in my palm. I still try.
two years ago today: "Going home had its allures..."
* * *
one year ago today: "I sat around and made myself a strawberry banana daqueri (although I am sure I am missing some of the ingredients) and made some computer generated art. Digital paint is a powerful tool, and I had fun with it."
* * *
six months ago today: "I liked the seller because he gave me a free Mr. T coloring book, which I wanted for my brother."
* * *
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