"So, you're the man who knows how to do semi-transparencies."

Matthew trotted off to help her. We are in the 3D computer lab; it is one in the morning; the kiddies are antsy as they all have a big assignment due tomorrow.

Matthew came back to sit down and he couldn't conceal a huge embarassed grin. He knew I was going to tease him. He knew that some time soon we would be alone and naked and I would ask him in a soft sexy voice to show me how to do semi-transparencies. He knew he would be hearing "So, you're the man who knows..." coming from my lips.

I saw a commercial for it on tv, and now I absolutely have to have this $800 faucet because it is the loveliest bathroom fixture I have ever seen.

It is three in the morning and he is nowhere near being done with his homework and I am am going rather batty here in this computer lab. I don't know why he wanted me to come with him but I could tell it was important, so I did. In fact, I specifically told him I didn't want to come here but I would. I knew this would happen. He promised we would leave at two. I know that wasn't true.

Should I ask him to take me home? No, I can't interrupt his schoolwork. It is most important now. I know he would whisk me away if I asked...

He just turned to me and said, "Ok, we're out of here." Is my man psychic or what? Sweet soft bed, here I come...

I meant to write more on the job situation yesterday, but Matthew said he was coming home from class so I rushed to make him dinner and then we went to the computer lab for many hours. In the wee hours, while I was twiddling my thumbs in the lab and trying to be supportive, Catherine of Naked Eye e-mailed me: "Wanna do a Tea Kettle story about being afraid to do the thing you know you were meant to do?"

What, you are now asking, is a tea kettle story? They are more or less spontaneous collaborative entires that occur between online journallers. Catherine made it up with Nancy, when they did the original one (on tea kettles). Catherine has a little guide to her tea kettle stories. I happily agreed to join the ranks.

You see, we had been e-mailing. Catherine seems to have a series of opportunities falling in her lap. But she's not jumping at them. And me, I realized I am somehow terrified of getting a job. Let's explore this.

I'm not worried about finding a job. I think I can work many places and be happy. There are lots of jobs I would enjoy. And I'd be doing the company a favor by bringing them such a dedicated creative employee. I have normal fears associated with actually obtaining a job; interviews can be nerve-racking and my résumé never makes me happy. But that is not where my moment of terror derrived from.

I worry that having a job will mean having to give up my freedom. But I am willing to walk away if I am not happy and this, too, is not my fear.

There is something about planting your foot firmly on the future that is disheartening. I have dozens of interest and I could go into dozens of fields. My direction is llimitless right now. But the moment I am on the payroll, I am in a field, in a career, on a path. I am gaining experience in a specific area, which means I am most likely to continue working in that area. Perhaps that is where my discomfort grows from. I am having a hard enough time trying to break away from web development as a career choice, and if I had gone to work for a real company this past nine months, imagine how much harder it would be for me now.

And yet, it is time. I need a place to live. I need to start building new friendships and I need to start gaining serious work experience. I need to begin settling into my future. I need to wrap myself in direction and run head first into the unknown. Enough is enough.

The three of us found ourselves in some sort of strange triangle today. Jeff noticed it. I suppose that makes him the acute angle -- the pivitol point. You see, Jeff reads me. He read my diary and one day he wrote me and between compliments he casually mentioned that he was considering starting a web journal. I gave my standard advice and asked him to let me know what he decided. To my surprise, he bought himself a domain name and dove right in with a fantastic first "fragment" on ties. In a latter entry, he linked to Crayon, who happened to have a link to My Super MOO List. So now I have completed the triangle by linking back to Jeff.

On Crayon's site I found a link to the end of the internet. Swanky.

My 31 December 1999 entry was nominated for a Diarist Award for "Best Account of a Public or News Event" about a week ago. This was a total surprise; I actually laughed out loud with shock when I got the notification.

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two years ago today: "The only thing keeping me warm (besides Earl Grey) is the thought of Him coming over last night. I closed my eyes and hoped for him to come and he did -- first time he has ever shown up unanounced. That is new for the warm and fuzzy list!"

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one year ago today: "I arranged for one of my professors to meet my boyfriend today."

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