Did I convince you? Because I convinced myself. Yesterday I came with a wonderfully convincing reason for being afraid to get a job.

But it wasn't the truth. At some point today I realized that. I realized my true fear, and I looked it in the face, and I thought, that still frightens me.

So here it is, my big dark secret: I am afraid of messing up.

My former roommate Cindy brought home an article one day and left it on the coffee table. I found it and read it. It was about "imposters syndrome" amongst engineering students. Imposters syndrome is a phenomenon whereby you feel that you have somehow tricked everybody into thinking you are smart and you can do what they want, but you are constantly worrying about messing up and having your inadequacies exposed. The article brilliantly ended with the strong implication that engineering students felt this as much as the professors. My eyes bulged. I felt like that all during my experience at UC Berkeley. I had somehow managed to be admitted by a fluke and I was not up to par with the other students and eventually they would find out. This mindset is, of course, rubbish, but I truly felt those thoughts from time to time. I even felt this way about writing my honors thesis. Ack!

So now, having graduated with honors from one of the finest universities in this country, I still feel like I will be exposed as being incapable. This isn't an all the time worry -- none of my worries are -- but it is a creep-up-and-bite-you-in-the-neck worry.

Now, my great fear in the workplace is not the work, it is the social graces. They say it is a Sagittarian trait to stick your foot in your mouth. I certainly do. I look at socially inept people, and I pity them. I think how hard it must to be to behave really inappropriately and to suffer the consequences. And inside my mind I think I am inept too, simply an imposter in polite society. I have somehow tricked people into thinking I know how to behave and I have manners, but someday when I am working and it is terribly important I will dress the wrong way or say the wrong thing. I will overstep my bounds, make allowances where I shouldn't have, do the wrong thing. I am worried they will find me out. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm making this up as I go along. Please, don't tell them. Maybe I can get away with it for a little while longer.

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two years ago today: "I have realized that my recent discontent is the result of my feeling of being disorganized. I believe that if I clean up my room and do my laundry I will begin to feel more relieved. I want to let a project slide off my plate but I am feeling guilty about having been committed to it."

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one year ago today: "I feel good because I am growing this semester, and learning a lot..."

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