10 19 pm pst   [ Josh ]

I don't know how to write this. I'm not sure if it is good for me to say that. I am trying to write about Josh. Today I made a diary page about him and I want to complete the story I began about him in 1997.

Josh figures heavily in the first three months of my diary's existence. We were close then. I haven't seen him in years. I have tried to get back in touch with him, but I don't know where he is. I would like to know. He was very important in my life for a short time.

Here is the story I began in 1997:

Josh and I have a fantastic story of how we met. One day last year, just before finals, I stumbled across Chris Shumway's page [no longer online], because he is a fellow cinemaspace user. I thought that he had the niftiest program [dynamicHTML], so I contacted the maker, Josh, to ask for help in putting it on my page. I couldn't get it to work at all, and school ended before Josh could help me. However, before school ended, I applied to be a computer consultant at Berkeley. The week before I applied for the job, I asked every consultant that I encountered if this is a good job. Josh was one of the people I asked, but I had no idea that he was the same Josh that I was e-mailing about his program.

Josh had shaved his head and dyed the remaining side bright blue. He was about as mismatched for me as any guy [really, I have no idea what "type of guy" anyone could ever envision setting me up with]. Though he was far from my physical ideal, I was intensely attracted to Josh. But I fear I am getting a bit ahead of myself.

I was attracted to the unknown Josh I was e-mailing in the spring of 1997. I go for intelligence, and I knew from the start I was talking to a computer genius who was kind enough to take the time to help some unknown student add his Perl script to her web page. Finals were upon us, and I offered to meet him at a cafe for tea. He considered it, but we were never able to set up a date under the crush of our schedules. I wish I had our original e-mail exchanges. I wish I could paste in my messages with their impossibly suttle flirtations. I think I was flirtatious without even thinking about it back then. And this man caught my attention.

Now we go to the story above. I asked various consultants about their jobs (every single one said it was a good job), including one blue haired boy who seemed mighty surprised when I approached him to talk.

A new semester began. I dove into fall 1997 with the high energy I was usually able to bring to school. I started a job and I dove into that too. There were about 120 consultants in our department. I remember our first staff meeting vividly. It was August; it was hot. The blue haired boy showed up in a full length black trench coat. Every one knew him. He was one of the few to stand up and make anouncements, and he made some sort of joke that had the room reeling.

I spent the lunch break with another "new hire" named Sebastian; I am told he now works at Adobe. There was nothing for me to eat because I was the first vegan on staff. We went back inside for more training. I only remember the end. I remember that Josh walked right up to me in his black trenchcoat and with his half a head of blue hair. "You're the girl who came in last semester asking about this job." I don't know if he meant it as a question, but I answered yes. "Well, I see you got it. Congratulations." I said thanks. I thought our conversation was about to begin, but it was actually about to end. He said he had to go, and I could clearly tell he was chasing after a girl who was not waiting for him. She had a substantial head start, because he had stopped to talk to me. I think her name was Candice.

Josh was the sys admin [system administrator] for the machine we used where I worked. It wasn't long before I was asking questions right and left. Our friendship sparked up like wildfire. We would arrange to meet in various computer labs just to work on machines next to each other. We would e-mail back and forth for long stretches while we were both working. My job was a student job, and was thus limited to 20 hours per week, but they never complained when I regularly work 25 to 35 hours a week. I loved helping people; I loved making money; I loved filling my time with another complication.

That same semester I took a web-based art class. I began to look at technology as an artistic tool. I wrote a rant. I started this diary. I saw Josh as a resource to empower me to create. He gladly embraced this role. He began teaching me new UNIX skills. He made lesson plans -- e-mailed assignments for getting around a UNIX box better. They were always labeled Lesson 0.

Josh had somehow figured out that I was the same Rachel who had been e-mailing him about his program. I hadn't. We laughed.

I met his best friend. The three of us went to a jazz club in San Fransico where I got my introduction to Sloe Screws, which were to remain my favorite drinks for at least a year. Josh and I were obviously attracted to each other, but we skirted around the issue. He only hinted; I brought it up. We discussed it. We discussed dating. We came up with reasons why it wouldn't work. I don't think we ever went on a real date. We kissed once, and it was the most awkward kiss of my life.

I think he was trying to work things out with Candice. I began dating Robert (a man ten years my senior whom I had French class with daily). Josh and Robert were reading my diary each day. I was learning how to incorprate it into my life. I lied in my writing to make my relationships easier. I remember writing at one point that I was dating two men at the same time. This was never true. It was a linear progression from Josh to Robert to Matthew with no overlap. But how could I concretely put in words that I had given up on Josh before anything had even begun?

Our friendship faded when I began dating Matthew, for we spent every day together from the begining. I tried to cling to Josh in moments when I missed his friendship. Today I am having one of those moments. I have tried three e-mail addresses for him. I have scoured the web. He has disappeared from my reach without a trace.

Josh, where are you? Do you ever think of me? I am thinking of you. I want to know that you are well. I want to know that you have found a job and a city that make you happy. I want to know you are putting your brain to good use. Find me. I haven't moved.

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