11 32 am pst   [ in bed giggling ]

I am laying in bed giggling, while Matthew is trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. We are going to see a movie with my mom in a few hours.

Jennifer has sent me the url of her webcam and I am delighting in watching her. I got my own private show! This could get very addictive...

I am a packrat with regards to e-mail, even though I almost never go and reread them. So I have a folder called "fam" where I file family mail. Only, my definition of family is broad. I include my brother, my sister, my mother, my father, all my other true family (including my distant cousins), my mom's boyfriend, Matthew's mom, Matthew's dad, Matthew's sister, and my sister's mom. This list will no doubt continue to expand.

11 32 pm pst   [ your cheatin' heart ]

Bear with me, because this idea isn't fully formed in my head and I expect to wind up with some conclusion by talking through it. I do this often, and there is something very satisfying from walking away from an argument having realized you were wrong, as long as you know how and why you arrived at your new standpoint...

This month's topic for On Display is security. Here I must sheepishly admit that I proposed the topic, and once it was selected I still couldn't pin down what direction I wanted to go with it.

Then I started thinking about relationships, and the security one is supposed to have from being in one. I don't mean financial security, but rather the security of having someone, and knowing they are there for you. It is an ephemeral notion, and I began wondering what it was really all about.

You see, the more I thought about it, the more I decided that said security doesn't really exist. Relationships are always tenuous, and the security of knowing you can depend on your partner to be faithful may contribute to why people cheat.

I have been told I look at cheating backwards from most people. I would never cheat on Matthew because he trusts me not to. I have been told that this is when most people cheat -- when they have the trust of their lover. But I am more inclined to be unfaithful if I weren't trusted. If someone already believes you to be a cheater, why not live up to their illusion? Not that I am advocating cheating -- how could I after seeing what my father did to our family? -- but I really think that trust is sacred, and one should do one's best to preserve it. Go ahead, give your partner the security to know that you won't misbehave...

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two years ago today: "I am having the most bizarre experience."

one year ago today: "I don't think I look half bad with my lenses on."

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