8 14 am pdt   [ arg ]

It would be easy to say I had a horrible day at work yesterday, but the truth is that I had a horrible last half hour which tainted my whole perception of my day. That is what I told Charles (of amaebi fame) when he greeted me at the door yesterday. We had a divine evening of the new Shaft and dinner at The Cheesecake Factory, where he had never been before. I will proceed to annoy everyone by saying "It's my duty to please that booty!" ad infinitum. Charles had a most enthusiastic waiter named Gary. It was his third day on the job and he came by to ask if everything tasted ok while we were still eating bread.

I should have know it was going to be a strange day. Over breakfast yesterday my dad asked if I would be willing to donate my eggs to a woman who couldn't have children. My dad doesn't ask hypotheticals, so I asked him whom he was referring to. She is one of his friends' wives whom I have never met. My first thought was that her child is going to have to have braces, and probably glasses. But I would seriously consider it. It would be quite an honor to be asked. I'll have to research what is involved...

The day went fine, until we had to do our demos of the product we've been learning. I was expalaining something and my boss said, "No, that isn't right." So I tried to say it a different way, and I really couldn't understand what she thought was wrong. I know how the process works, and I thought it was a termenology problem. She just said, "You don't understand this. Read the manual." I knew that I did understand, and it was simply a problem in how I was communicating it. She didn't want to hear it. She snapped that she didn't have time to explain it to me, and I should just read the book. By this time I had fully lost my cool and I began feeling the surge of adrenaline that always accompanies a confrontation. The rest of my demo I rushed and was perpetually flustered. I was shaking so hard, which was very distracting to me. As soon as it was over, I popped up and walked into another room. I tried to talk with the other people there, but it became readily apparent that I was having my normal reaction to the fight or flight syndrome. I either need to hit something, go jogging, or cry. I found a dark room upstairs and let my sobs out. Then I went to the bathroom, splashed water on my eyes, and rejoined my co-workers. They all wanted to talk about the demos, and I tried to remain in control, but then I was crying again. Suddenly everyone neeeded to tell their demoing-at-trade-shows horror stories. The point is, I wasn't doing a real demo. Instead, I was giving my boss the impression that I am an idiot. In addition, I was really excited about demoing at trade shows, and now I am worried. Arg!

Thankfully, it was the end of the day, and I made my way out to the car and gave myself permission to cry as much as I wanted on the drive home. Since I was so flustered, I decided it was an excellent time to have a total personal crisis, so I began thinking how depressed I am and on and on. I was in full effect yesterday. Maybe it was good to get all that out of my system. I do think I am a bit depressed, mostly from not having Matthew to take care of, and that is why I am not sleeping well. It took my a good three hours to fall asleep last night. I am so frustrated with this sleep thing...!

3 25 pm pdt   [ please ]

Please tell me my female boss didn't just stand here and tell me I couldn't go to SIGGRAPH because I'm female. "There's only one hotel room left, and we've decided that co-ed housing wouldn't be a good idea." I can't even comment...

4 00 pm pdt   [ better ]

Oh, it gets better. "It's not your fault you're a girl, but we do need able bodies to lift heavy things."

10 36 pm pdt   [ perhaps ]

Perhaps it wasn't fair to post that (out of context and all) but I was grasping at the nearest outlet. Saying, "That's not fair!" wasn't going to get me anywhere, so I calmly addressed how we could correct the situation, and my boss came through and went to bat for me. She had initially proposed we draw straws when I let her know that I didn't need housing (because Matthew will be there). But then she went into problem solving mode and came up with a solution that involved all three of us going, instead of only two of the three. That made me feel much better.

I can say that now I have had my fall from grace and my job has gone from an amazing ideal to a reality -- a transition I knew would come sooner or later. As the dust settles on my new life, I have discovered that I am working with a lot of people I really like and I am doing something that I find to be really fun.

June 1998
June 1999
June 2000

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