10 37 am cdt   [ packing again ]

Packing. He took me shopping yesterday, so now I have more clothes and shoes than I came with. He's never spent money on me like that before, and I am racked with guilt mixed with delight. He claims he will keep buying me things until I get used to it, but I feel as though I never will. I appologized for all the times I laughed it off when he told me he felt guilty when I bought him things. Role-reversal is always awkward.

5 55 pm cdt   [ in the airport ]

We got to the airport really early, hopeful I could get myself on an earlier flight (so I wouldn't get in to LA at 2 am). The man at the counter was very nice and said it was hopeful. Matthew and I enjoyed each other -- our last moments together. They didn't open up any standby seats on the flight. I fought back tears. I missed him so much already. Suddenly, I saw people deplaning. Matthew came forth. "There's a thunderstorm over Houston, so we're probably delayed for an hour." I began sobbing. It'd been such a good trip. Perfect. Ideal. Short. Over.

He comforted me in his kind and gentle way. We passed the stolen minutes planning when we would next see each other. He will be travelling to Amsterdam and Sweden for business in September. Why is this long distance thing so much harder this year than last?

When the plane reboarded, I burst into a second weeping fit. I cried as quietly as I could. One of the counter attendants came over. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sad..." was all I could manage.

She asked why. I explained, "My boyfriend just left on that flight. We have a long distance relationship." I felt pathetic for being so devestated. I felt foolish for weeping in the airport. I felt self-absobed for feeling such a profound ache in my chest while my life is so fine and so many peoples' aren't.

She asked where we lived, then offered to let me on board to say good-bye one last time. "I'll walk you down there myself," she offered. I said thank you as I shook my head no. "That will only make it worse." It was such a sweet offer though.

"You're breaking my heart," she answered. She handed me my boarding pass, having checked me in without my having to tell her my name. She said that if any of the passengers missed the reboard, she would be sure I got on the plane. I thanked and said I hoped that didn't happen because it would ruin someone else's day. She smiled at me.

After I watched the plane pull away from the gate, I settled into a different seat for the two hour wait I now have until my flight. The tears began again. A man nearby got up and approached me. "In times of stress, this is what you need," he said, offering me M&M's. I shook my head and said "No, thank you," but he insisted. I took them, and thanked him again. He's a married man if I've ever seen one. Give the weeping woman some chocolate. Oh yes, he knows.

..........

July 1998
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