7 03 pm pst   [ loss ]

I only found out by chance. I peeked at the latest submission to On Display because I was sure it had been submitted twice, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't overlooking a member site. I just glanced at the main page for a second. The entry was titled "Goodby Ginkgo". I knew right away. I opened the entry. And I saw the word suicide.

I knew where to get the information I needed. I subscribed to diary-l and requested all of the posts for November. The message had come with two links: a painful entry by Heidi and an entry by Ginkgo's husband. I read each. I stumbled towards the bathrooms. Both were occupied. I made my way down the hall to the cool dark machine room. I sat down to cry.

I was able to make it to an upstairs bathroom without seeing anyone, and I calmed down. I was able to distract myself during lunch. But when I told Matthew, the sorrow welled up in me and I left work and hour early. I was a bit scared to drive when I was sobbing and shaking so hard, but I wanted so badly to be away from anyone who might see me.

When I told Matthew, I didn't know if I should refer to her as a friend or an aquaintance. We had corresponded many times, but not recently. Only now do I realize Ginkgo was a friend, but Eve was a stranger. I forget that we construct ourselves in these online presentations. And now I fight the dreaded irrational logic loops which force me to wonder if there was something I could have done.

I am awed by how powerfully we can become connected with someone we have never met. I would be devestated if something were to happen to Catherine (of Flux Redux), Ashley (of gotcha), Chel (of whole star intact [now bliss]), or Heidi (of Soingée). They are kind beautiful people who have touched my life and brough me joy. And I was heart broken today to learn of the loss of a magnificent intense soul.

My heart goes out to her husband and family, to Heidi and her close friends, and to Eve, who had to carry so much pain inside to take this exit. To all of you, your sorrow is shared. Such sadness takes my breath away.

If I may, I'd like to finish with a quote from Ginkgo's last journal entry, more than a year ago:

Let us make a promise to ourselves to create the worlds we envision within ourselves inside the world we live in, no matter how dark the stories around us become. Let us make a pact, let us make a promise, an allegiance of sorts, even, to remember the world within and give a piece of it to the next person we meet. Let us do the right thing without becoming sappy, and deliver us from senseless waste.

Amen.