7 04 pm pst [ cheat on ]
I just watched a film called Two Girls and a Guy
(1997; NC-17). The "guy" character reminded me of David; he too had an uncanny knack for
lying even when he was caught. When you watch Robert Downey Jr.'s
performace you can see the same mastery of turning the tables of blame as
David posesses. But the film offered me another revelation.
When you find out someone has cheated on you, much as you can be
consumed with anger and hurt in that moment, the person in front of you
(caught or confessing) is still the same person to whom you were attracted
and to whom you formed whatever bonds you have. I have always marveled
that my mother was able to stay with my father even a day after she
learned that he had made a child with another woman, but now I understand.
I comprehend how she could look past the infidelity to the decade of
marriage and the life they had created together. I understand why she
wanted to give him a second chance, even though it didn't work out.
What irked me about the film is the typical humans
weren't meant to be monogamous attitude. If that theory is indeed
true, then that's the whole point of relationships. They're supposed to
be hard. Religion doesn't make sense, thus requiring faith instead of
reason. Fidelity isn't natural, thus requiring effort instead of nothing.
But sometimes when someone launches into the
anti-monogamy rant, I feel uncomfortable. I feel something almost akin to
guilt for my faithfulness. I amaze myself that I have been able to be
completely faaithful for over three years with relative ease. I haven't
kissed or touched in a sexual way anyone since Matthew and I began dating,
even before we became committed (which was his idea). I've been perfectly
faithful unless, of course, you perscribe to the definition of adultery
proffered by Jesus, whereby you have committed the sin if you look at
another with lust in your heart. I've done that. I've thought about sex
and cheating and the whole gammut of interersonal relationships on many
occasions. I think that's only natural. What is unnatural is my ability
to feel guilty for absolutely everything...
