2 42 pm pst [ on becomming a foster parent ]
I was up past my bedtime last night on the phone with
Matthew. He was upset and
having trouble communicating. I had told him I was looking into becoming
a foster parent.
May I make a recommendation? Go read David Andreasen's
LiveJournal. David and I met sometime last year and he excitedly
told me about preparing to run for a marathon. I was shocked to visit his
journal one day and discover than his marathon plans had turned into bone
marrow transplant plans. I read each entry with mounting fascination.
Instead of taking bone marrow they had opted for straining stem cells from
his blood stream. David helped save someone's life.
I've never donated blood. I never met with the weight
requirements which they strictly enforced until a serious blood shortage a
few years ago. But I've also never wanted to give blood and the weight
requirement was just an excuse. Even the tiny bit of blood I have to give
when I get a physical exam makes me sick. I have fainted from having my
blood taken, most likely because I was traumatised by the time a nurse
came to take my blood and she poked the needle into me and blood
splattered everywhere. My jeans were stained. It made me feel quite ill.
I was startled to read in David's journal that he was
listed with the National Bone Marrow
Registry. I didn't know such a thing existed and I think it is so
wonderful that he volunteered to become a donor.
My dad asked me a
little bit ago if I would be willing to donate my eggs to a couple in
need. My gut reaction would be a wholehearted yes. But any sort of
medical proceedure makes me wary, especially invasive ones. There are
other ways I want to give back to the community.
I almost had a job teaching computers at an elementary
school this year. Though it ididn't work out (lack of funding), I would
still like to do something along those lines.
There was a time on diary-L when a lengthy discussion on
adoption errupted. I researched a bit on the web. I spent a long time
exploring Precious:
"a photolisting of children available for international adoption." I was
pleased that the internet was being used in this way. I read and read. I
was intruiged that certain adoptions didn't require you to be married or
own a house. For example, there are so many unwanted girls in China, that
if you are willing to adopt one over the age of 2 there are practically no
requirements. I tucked this knowledge away. I had always believed that
adoption was an incredibly difficult proceedure.
One of my main goals in 2001 is to become a mentor or a
Big Sister through one of many mentoring agencies. I've just been waiting
to make my move up north.
To connect the dots, David's journal inspired me. It
rekindled my passion to give back to the community. And one method that
has been of interest to me is becoming a foster parent.
I don't think I'm ready to be a full time parent, but
if I could help out a needy child for a fixed period, such as a year, my
heart would be so filled.
The idea behind foster parenting is that the child
should be reunited with its biological parents or matched with suitable
adoptive parents. Recently, though, the focus has changed in many cases.
Foster children are not supposed to be moved so often and there is often
the hope that the foster parents will adopt.
You do not need to be married or own a house. You do
need to have an ample income. The child needs it's own bed and room. You
must be over 21, have a TB test, get CPR and First Aid training, be
fingerprinted, and meet wiht the qualifications and training of the foster
care society you go through.
So many of my questions were answered. "Reunification
foster parents provide temporary homes for periods lasting anywhere from
two months to about a year." Reunification is the program where the main
focus is to get the child back with their biological parents. The
stipend "can range from about $100 a month up to $800" and is determined
by financial need. There is greater need to place teens, siblings, and
(of course) special needs children. Taking in an adolescent is appealing
to me. Of course I'd have more of an aunt / big sister role than a
parental role due to my age (my age might prevent me from being able to
foster a teen).
The best links I found were:
So when Matthew and I got on the phone last night I
naturally told him I was looking into foster parenting. I explained what
I had learned and said that though I was not near making that sort of
decision, I thought I might get the certification and training as a way of
learning more about the program.
He was not happy. He sat there in silence and barely
responded to my probing. It took a long time to get him to share. He
later explained that he felt like I was making a big decision without him.
But I wasn't; I was mearly sharing my research and expressing interest in
finding out more.
Matthew is adopted. I once asked him if he was
interested in adopting and he said no. This made perfect sense to me. He
lacked the blood connection to his parents -- the genetic heitage -- which
is an important part of family dynamics which we often take for granted.
I understood that his main desire was to have children with whom he would
naturally have that connection. [Of course, if he had said that he would
really like to adopt, I would perfectly understand that response too. He
would want to give a child the same opportunity he was given (to be
welcomed into a loving home). Neither response is "right" and both are
completely logical from my point of view.]
Matthew clearly doesn't like the idea of foster
parenting either. But with that feeling comes guilt. He feels very
guilty for not wanting to be an adoptive or foster parent. I feel a bit
guilty for not wanting to give blood, but I mostly feel that I can
contribute in a different way. Unfortunately, having me tell him this was
nothing to feel guilty about did not allay his guilt at all.
He was uncomforable and I was worried. It was late and
I suggested we go to bed. This morning he appologized for getting so
upset and we agreed to talk about it later. I am looking forward to that
conversation.
Our water heater went out again. I stayed home from work this morning to
meet with the gas guy, who also had to deal with a gas leak in our pool
heater. When he relit the pilot on the water heater (he was the same guy
who came