11 39 pm pst [ touchdown ]
An uneventful flight to LA; we arrived on time and then
sat on the runway for a half hour due to what the pilot called "a traffic
jam." I talked with 12-year-old Chris, who loves basketball and takes
some medicine which makes all his hair fall out. He had just been skiing
for the first time in his life and he said his favorite movie was The Rock.
The hardwood floor and pale blue carpet sing to me; I
am home. Flannel sheets, familiar scent of the heater, all of my
Christmas presents waiting to be enjoyed. I miss Matthew already -- the
way I clung to him in the airport.
We managed to talk a bit about the future. When I
mention marriage now he gets a pained look, not like a deer caught in
headlight but rather like I just drove large needles into the flesh
between his toes. It breaks my heart every time. My mom says a person
should be ready for commitment after three years but I don't buy that.
Everyone is different. Some people know from day one and some will never
be sure. It just seems that the longer we are together, the less certain
he becomes. Logically, this phenomenon worries me.
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