11 18 pm pdt [ our issues ]
It was a long, full day, and we accomplished a lot in
our relationship. Here's the plain truth. Our issues involve money, Matthew's moods, and sex.
In the beginning, Matthew had no money, and I made more than I
knew what to do with, so I paid for everything. This arrangement did not
please him, but we had no choice. I didn't mind one bit. Now that he
makes good money and I am mostly unemployed, he pays for most everything.
But when I paid, it was simple. Nothing is simple for Matthew (much as I
love him). He is steadily working his way out of debt (such as his
student loans) but the whole issue of money causes him so much stress and
worry. He has tremendous guilt for wanting to purchase nice things -- a
guilt that remains unshaken despite all of my reassurances.
I try to explain that we are participants in
capitalism; we are supposed to want to buy things. I try to explain that
having a nice car which he will enjoy every second that he drives it is a
perfect reward for how much and how hard he works. The man has a three
hour per day commute and he still feels guilty about his desire to buy a
new car.
So money continues to be a source of stress for him,
which I compound by having erratic guilt about him paying for most
everything at the current point in our relationship. He always reminds me
that it used to be reversed, but somehow that doesn't satisfy my feelings.
As for his moodiness, he's been working on letting me
know when he feels grouchy and I've
been working on not doing any of the things that I know will set him off
(like tickling him).
Then there's sex. I hope he won't kill me for writing
this, but we're not having as much as I would like to. So we discussed
that today, amongst a dozen other topics, as we cuddled in bed to digest
our lunch. The sunlight was streaming into the room and performing its dance on the wall. I was
curled up against him and he revealed that he just isn't happy. I hemmed
and hawed, squirmed around on the bed, and decided to give him his
anniversary present a week early. I made him close his eyes and I fetched
my idea box from where I had
stashed it and placed it gingerly in his hand. As soon as he had opened
it and I had explained its purpose and shown him the silly drawings it
contained, a single tear spilled down his cheek.
I was proud of my gift. It is filled with all of my
love for him and I was so heartbroken to see his perfect smooth skin
streaked with tears. He said that my gift made him happy and pronounced
the contrast between the difficult time he was having. We talked it
through. We escaped the bedroom and ran off to Kathmandu for vegetable momos and lentil soup.
The city felt deserted, with half the stores and restaurants closed for
Easter. We clung to each other.
We didn't resolve anything. Can couples really do so
in an afternoon? But we acknowledged our problems. He affirmed that he
was willing to support me until I found a day job. He confirmed that he
isn't feeling good lately and that this depression, along with his
exhaustion from work, is killing his sex drive. I told him I would try to
work through my discomfort with not having my own space. We excitedly
made plans for our second European adventure. We both know we'll be fine.
I'm certain that if he didn't get home from work so
late, and wasn't so tired at the end of the day, we wouldn't have any sex
issue at all. But having sex when we are tired has led to an amusing
phenomenon between the two of us.
When we cuddle in bed, we have a particular way of
laying that involves one of us tucking our legs under the other. The
person who is on the bottom is in what we call "the good position." I
usually volunteer for the bad position because it's easier and more
comfortable for me. When we have sex when we are tired, we both again
feel that the bottom is the good position. So we bargain to be on the
bottom when lust is driving us but our energy levels are lacking. If one
of us is feeling generous, we will offer the bottom to the other partner.
Of course, we never end up staying in that position for very long, so one
can be sneaky and offer the bottom in the beginning and then end up on the
bottom later. Negotiating who is on the bottom has become part of the
fun of our late-night encounters.
"The good position" is a gift when cuddling and "the
bottom" is the coveted location for sleepy sex. These are only two
phrases in our ever-growing personal
vocabulary.
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