11 37 pm pdt [ lost ]

I took all these fun photos today and had a bit of a grandeous entry in mind. I have proof:

But once again I encountered cruelty and I am lost. I must confess that there have been a few times in my life that I believed I might suffer from bi-polar disorder or clinical depression. Tonight I again wonder, for what else but a chemical imbalance could explain my deep upset over someone so insignificant. I had to crawl into the shower and weep. My tears did not help me at all so I dressed and planted myself on the porch and acknowleged that I am insignificant and hoped for the simplest achievement. I begged the universe to let me concentrate on my breathing to quiet my mind for any length of time but the fates thwarted my efforts on every level.

Now I trying to cry silently, next to Matthew here in bed. I am so low right now I have no words to describe my sorrow.

[ 3 years: ]

three years ago today: I really feel that my hard work paid off.

two years ago today: We are constantly joking about the family, especially since mental illness runs in both my mom's and my dad's sides.

one year ago today: Matthew told me I could skip my diary today, but you can see that I didn't take him up on that offer.