10 43 am pdt   [ hello, self ]

Hi Rachel. You're in the computer lab and I'm mailing you this entry via e-mail to post when you get home.

Today is a full day of work, but it's also spring break, so we have less than two dozen kids, which is a far cry from the 60 little ones normally in your care. It's cold and grey, so none of them wanted to go outside. You took them to the computer lab right after morning snack. You love taking them to the computer lab, teaching them to use a tool that will be much more prevalent in their childhoods than it was in yours. You suddenly remember working in the computer labs at Berkeley and how your favorite part of the job was when you got to take someone onto the web for the first time.

At this moment, you really like this job. You like these children and this school and this life. You really need to find out how much your boss' job pays before you apply for it. It could be great or it keep you as stagnant as you are now financially. You were thinking last night about how many truly wealthy young people you know (all from the dot com boom) and how interesting it is that you're really not motivated to go for the easy money.

10 01 pm pdt   [ perpetual elation ]

Hello again, Self. You're at home, sitting on the couch. Your arms tingle when you type because you worked out again today. Wow! What motivation you've magically uncovered. And your hard work has paid off. You feel perpetually high on life. You are overflowing with energy. You walk down the street grinning. You have the wonderful delicious feeling you'd like to bottle and save for a reiny day. You feel good. You believe your body will look better if you keep this up. You know your body will feel better if you keep this up. You are exhausted at 10 at night because of all this crazy activity. Go you!

If I may switch persons, I've been brewing an entry since saturday and I want to see if I can get some of it on "paper".

Safe

He was safe. I've never encountered that sensation before. A man. A safe man. I didn't need to appologize for being unavailable. I didn't have to wonder and worry about when and how I would tell him that I had a boyfriend. I didn't have to feel guilty that I might be leading him on. Why has this never happened before?

He lives with his girlfriend. I live with my boyfriend. We both knew this. So suddenly we were free to grind on the dance floor like there was no tomorrow. There was no tomorrow. There were no consequences. Two bodies pressed tight -- gyrating -- in public. No future. No history. The motions of sex, but clothed, with no hint of an afterwards.

Electrical, chemical attraction. Pheremones. Lust leading nowhere but the smooth rhythm of the dance beat. Safe to explore there. Lost in his smell. Touching his hair. I felt the heat rising on my flesh and I danced it away. Grind. Freak. Push it.

Unfamiliar music. Unfamiliar surroundings. Unfamiliar man. Connected. And the beat. Heart beat. Breathing. Walking. Dancing. Grinding together. Press me harder.

I've got to get out more often...