8 01 pm pdt

I've lost something. I've lost some part of me. I've lost some part of my life. I've lost the feeling that I'm important.

I know my family and friends care about me. I have a ridiculously good relationship with the love of my life and some day we're going to get married and make a family. These thoughts fill me with joy.

And on the flip side, I've been depressed before. Though I am mostly happy, I have my down swings. I get overwhelmed much easier then I care to admit.

But this is different. This is fundemental. I've lost a feeling. I can still look in the mirror and think that I am happy with what I see. But when I look inside I'm not. I used to love me. I used to love being me. I don't think I was conceited or that there were any negatives. I just woke up pretty happy with myself. I knew I had things to work on and I spent all day being the best I could be. I felt like I'd figured out something most people never do -- how to be content with myself.

Now I'm not.

I am overwhelmed by myself. I don't like who I am more and more of the time. But I worry that if I shut my mouth for too long, I will lose what makes me me. I will lose the essence of myself -- my spirit.

I'm at a loss. This is why I don't write. I no longer feel worthy. I don't deserve to share. I've become someone I am afraid of. I never know what I will say or do. I could make a mistake at any moment. I am to be wary of.

I'm making a change. I want happy me back. So I'm going to make some changes. I'm not going to play any more computer games. It's a waste of time -- a substitute for television. When I feel like I need to play games, I can do sit-ups or use my arm weights until the feeling passes. That's step one (really step one and two, since I need to do some sort of exercise). This summer I will clean and organize until this apartment is perfect. I can do this. I am setting a ralistic goal. I need to take it one room at a time. This summer I will write. If I can't whip something out this summer, then I need to stop deluding myself that I can write more in the future. This is a limit. I'm an adult. I can set my own limits.

I am interesting. Like every person on this planet, I am unique. I have something to offer. I try hard. I really do. I need to get to know myself again.

Hi, my name is Rachel.

It's a pleasure to meet you.