I'm not feeling great. I've spend a week and a half cleaning and organizing so that Matthew would have a lovely home to come to. I paid someone to come in an clean the stuff I simply can't (scrub the floors, dust the cobwebs) and they broke two things and didn't tell me.

I really enjoyed the party I attended last night, but I got really upset by something my friend said and I actually cried, which was so embarrassing to me. I haven't cried in months. I can't even rememeber when. Oh yes, unfortunately I can.

Anyway, I don't really like feeling like a girly girl. And that is how I felt as my eyes welled over. C'est la vie.

I did have a super lovely time talking to several different interesting friends of friends. And a man at the party lost a ten dollar bet that I was a professional dominatrix (of course, another man won).

...

I've thought about this several times before, but I don't know if I've written about it. In February I went to a teacher's conference and the keynote speaker said that she moved from the States to Israel to give her life a purpose. She said she was quoting Walden (of Pond fame) when she said that living in Israel allowed her to live deliberately. A little light bulb went off over my head when she said that. I live deliberately.

I live deliberately without trying; it is natural for me. I think through my choices, analyze the norms of society, and choose what to obey. I don't have pierced ears; I don't watch TV; I'm vegan. I am different not because I set out to be different, but I set out to consciously decide if what most people do is actually right for me.

The reason I bring this up is that I was sitting at the party yesterday having a typical "deliberate" internal analysis. Why do people go to this type of party? What is fun about it? Are these people having fun? It was fascinating as always.

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