December 99 December 98 December 97 _________________ Thursday 09 December 99   11 23 am pst   [ looking down ] I added a whole slew of pictures to yesterday's entry.   I was having fun with my camera.   I realized that I have never seen the top of me head.   For instance, both Matthew and my brother are six foot two.   This means they are always looking down on me, and I have no idea what I look like from that angle.   Well, I had no idea until last night: I find my nose to be rather beak-like from that angle [no wonder Sam, who is also six foot two, called me "Bird"], but otherwise, I am not disappointed. I have always worn my hair parted down the middle. my mother has always worn hers that way too.   Pictures of her at 18 show the same long, blond, parted down the middle hair that she is wearing fourty years later. My mother parted my -- then blond -- hair every day of my childhood, and now it grows that way.   Fresh out of the shower or pool my hair naturally parts down the middle.   But when I was in middle and early high school, the middle part was very uncool.   I didn't bother trying to fit in, so I happily walked about with my unstylish 'do.   I will never forget my devestation the day Jaimie cornered me with several of her friends when I was in 7th grade. "Why do you have a butt cut?" A butt cut?   Hello?   It's a part, not a cut.   But I was mortified nonetheless.   I spent the next several years trying to wear my hair in different ways: side part, straight back in a ponytail, bun, and lots of headbands.   Near the end of high school, when I finally mastered no middle part, there was a 60's resurgence and every girl, including Jaimie, began wearing their hair parted down the middle.   I am such a trend setter. 11 43 pm pst   [ something fishy ] Right about now you're probably wondering what happened.   My first black background diary entry every.   I needed a change.   I got a gentle nudge saying I needed some graphics.   Why was I being such a lazy bum?   I do this for a living, so I might as well put a modicum of design effort in.   I am still going to for the simplicity factor, because I really don't like that people make sites which are inacessible in older browsers. I'm having an artistic crisis.   Many people have said that when they saw better artists than them, they gave up.   This has never happened to me.   I consider myself a writer and a filmmaker, and -- of late -- a painter.   Even when I fell I am a bad writer (or designer, as I seem to be in a web design slump) I don't give up the title.   No, that isn't right.   I don't ever use the title.   My point is that I don't give up the concept of myself as a writer / designer / artist that I hold in my mind's eye. So my crisis is that I feel down on my creative work (except my watercoloring, which seems to be florishing [which is why I bought expensive new paints and real brushes today]).   But I plow ahead, making and making because I need to and I can't stop.   I pile on project after project, because I have a hunger for activities to feed my brain.   I am swimming in a feeling of satisfaction swirled with discomfort with my output.   I did however make a new page about my camera today (it isn't done yet) which I am most excited about.   No doubt you'll find an official link tomorrow. I wanted to make a tour of my legs today.   Matthew could only muster a distasteful "Why?" to which I had little answer but, "because I want to..." He asked if I was planning on doing my whole body, which I said I had considered, but wasn't sure of.   Perhaps if I spread the installments out over time... Guaranteed you'll see my leg tour in tomorrow's entry.   ps: I am super excited because tonight, with Matthew's help, I wrote my first cgi script; I can see coding being very adicting for me, and Matthew is trying to talk me into writing RenderMan shaders (geeky animation stuff).   I'm not putting up much of a protest!