November 99 November 98 November 97 _________________ Monday 1 November 99

1 33 am est I suppose one way to realign one's internal clock is to stay up really late.   I didn't plan to do so, but here I am.   I am going to go put some warm yummy miso soup in my belly and then drift into the arms of sleep.

1 03 pm est How many people get to sit home all day doing absolutely nothing?   In my defense, I know that I led a charmed life, and I am exceedly grateful for what I have.   I work on and off, but I haven't really gone after any new clients since I've been here.   I can't get motivated...

2 59 pm est I am an exceedingly messy person.   Give me any amount of space and I will turn it into a series of piles.   I make piles of clothes and papers and books, and material relating to whatever project I am currently working on.   My mother is obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness, and I grew up rebelling; I suppose I never stopped.   I can't remember the last time I made my bed.   And I used to never brush my teeth (I would several times a week) whereas my brother would twice a day as perscribed.   Yet whenever we visited the dentist it was always "What a good job Rachel is doing!" and "Adam needs to brush a little bit more."   I attest this to the fact that I ate supder duper healthy when I was little (salads with no dressing were a favorite, and I'd always ask them to add broccoli to my pasta). One of my worst habits is leaving draws and cupoards open.   I think in the back of my mind I assume that I will be opening them again, so why bother.   I also never close the door to my closet (though I no longer have one).   Despite my cluttered lifestyle, I am not dirty.   I never leave food or dirty dishes laying around.   I even like dusting.   Cluttered, but clean, that's me in a nutshell...

5 55 pm est Now that Halloween hath gone On the horizon Thanksgiving doth dawn Very chill the air now turns Embers of fire are called to burn Many days will see rain and snow By a visible puff our breath doth go Each day will pass, precious and dear Remember the past, for December is near!

6 10 pm est I was having a lovely session of watercoloring a thank you picture, when I remembered the first two lines of the above poem, which I came up with right before I fell asleep last night.   One of my clients has asked to fly my to LA for a marathon web design session, which I would be all for.   I hope it works out!

6 20 pm est As an addendum to my above statement that I am messy, I should specify that I am only so in the home.   At work I am an anal perfectionist, and every desk I have sat at has been kept impeccably organized.   Even the virtual realm of my desktop must be kept spic and span.

6 38 pm est There are some days when I can feel myself go a little bit mad.   I have a secret terror which haunts me at times, and the weight of having to rethink my days activities over and over sometimes makes me feel as though someone is sqeezing my brain, and still I cannot quiet my mind.   I know that I make up [fictional] stories all of the time, but it took me a while to realize that I rehearse conversations that I am going to have, in addition to reviewing past conversations and thinking of things I would have like to have said.   Does everyone do this?   Does anyone do this?

7 52 pm est I have a really good friend, whom I have known for more than 5 years, makes me uncomfortable.   I feel really awkward when I am with him, or even when we talk on the phone (which is very uncharacteristic for me.   Now, when I talk to him, I think to myself if I should just tell I feel uncomfortable, but he does not strike me as the type who would take well to that.   I am at a loss for what to do.   The feeling comes and goes -- it isn't predominant in the conversation -- but it is there too often to be ignored.

9 12 pm est A friend named Adam asked why I am so stressed about getting a job.   Excellent question!   There is serious pressure from my parents, specifically from my dad.   He told me, while we were in France, that until I had to get up every day and go to work in an office at a 9-5 job, I wouldn't understand what he does for me.   I vow to never make any such statement to my child.   That is right up there with the meanest thing my father ever said to me: "You are an expense."

10 29 pm est I just completed the first of my France pages.   This is going to be a project!

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