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Friday
1 October 99
1 19 am edt
I lack the confidence to be a magician. Every time I tried to do a
magic trick, I would wind up doing too much giggling for people to focus
on my illusion. And it's not that I don't like to be looked at; I
am an exhibitionist when I dance and wear my slutty outfits. I
suppose it all boils down to confidence, but I wonder if I could overcome
my giggle-attacks if I practiced my tricks, and felt exceptionally
confident about them, or if magic just isn't my cup of tea.
I like watching magic tricks. I especially did as a child.
I was so proud when I could figure out how it was done.
Alexandra's graduation from high
school present was a trip to Hawai'i for her and a friend. She took
me. We had a fantastic week on Kauai'i. She got involved in
a romantic encounter with one of the island's residents, so one night,
when she was out with him, I went out with a guy who worked in a magic
store. I can't really remember how he asked me out, but I was 17
and he was at least 40, so it wasn't a romantic request. I think he
was just lonely. We went to a kareoke bar (the only one I have ever
been to) and I sang Lady in Red. When I
told the man we were returning to the mainland, he told me he wanted my
picture. So I came to visit him at his shop before we left, and he
took a photograph of me. I wonder if he still has it. I
wonder if any of the people who's lives have crossed mine ever think of
me. I think of them. I swim in my memories.
1 39 am edt
I am so excited about going to France. I actually wish I had
worked harder at my French. I
just have to remember:
Je suis un végétarienne. Que recommandez-vous?
11 14 am edt
Today I travelled to New Rochelle to meet my 82-year-old cousin Sylvia and
her older husband. I took the wrong train. Twice. I
got on and asked if it was going to New Rochelle and a man said yes, it's
a local train. He was wrong. It was an express to Stamford.
The conductor told me to get on the train going back to New York,
which I did. But it turned out to be an express back to Grand
Central, so I was an hour and a half late arriving. The train ride
was fine, but I got very flustered by the train mix-up -- unreasonably so.
I told myself to remember that feeling, bacause I always tell Matthew that he is being ridiculous when
he gets upset over life's little mishaps, like traffic jams. I know
if I had been with him I would have felt fine, and I would have been super
cheery to keep his spirits up. But on my own, I was unable to let
my feelings go through any feat of conscious thought. Having
finally arrived, Sylvia whipped out a previously done version of the tree,
with mountains of information I didn't have. She then proceeded to
cook a gourmet vegan feast on which I
stuffed myself so thoroughly I thought I was going to pop. While
she was cooking I looked at photos of and discussed her husband's
achitectural and landscaping feats. He had some amazing work --
these wonderful Japanese gardens -- and he told me he had apprenticed with
Frank Lloyd Wright for a year. Sylvia and I took an after-dinner
stroll to the waterfront and then topped off the evening with a lengthy
session of sorting through old photographs.
Earlier, on my way to Grand Central, I spent a bus ride next to a
92-year-old woman who delighted in telling me all sorts of tidbits from
her life, including how the city used to be when she was younger.
"The ladies would get on the buses for a nickle with their hats and
gloves, and there was not a package to be seen. Everything was
shipped." My favorite of her lines was when she looked at a woman
across the aisle from us and said to me, "I hope the style will change
soon. I am tired of seeing all this long hair." I said, "I
have long hair." She said, "I know."
My favorite of Sylvia's lines was, "Isn't this honey good? It
sings." She has written myriad cook books, and is currently working
on her own line of vegetarian foods, so I got to try some of her
wheatballs (fake meatballs), soon to be in a store near you. They
were really delicious; everything she cooked was. I told myself I
would eat whatever I was given, despite not liking some of the items, and
they are all currently in my belly.