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Tuesday
5 October 99
12 56 am edt
I had a bit of a debate with my
grandfather. Night before last I threw away half a head of
romain lettuce (which I had purchased) in the afternoon, because it had
gone bad. In the evening, I asked my grandfather if he wanted
anything from the store. He told me that I shouldn't go shopping if
I was just going to throw out food. I said that if I was paying for
my groceries then I should be able to do whatever I want with the money I
earn. He said no, that was not right, because it was wasteful.
I was really upset. For some reason, my grandfather's opinion of
me is very important. I suppose I am just overly concerned with
having the approval of those I care about. So I waited until I was
outside to cry, but I did cry. Sometimes one has to in order to
regain one's equilibrium.
I thought about the subject of wastefulness a lot. I never waste
water or electricity, but that is more of an environmental issue. I
certainly try not to be wasteful with money, but I also don't make myself
unhappy as a result (like eating yucky lettuce).
At dinner tonight (technically last night), I
decided to bring up the subject again. I asked my grandfather why
it was bad for me to throw out lettuce. He said it was wasteful.
I asked why? He said it was because it was throwing away a
buck fifty. I said that if i worked to earn that $1.50 I should be
able to do what I want with it, including giving it to a bum, throwing it
in the trash, or buying lettuce of which I would only eat part. I
said that if I worked for an hour and earned $15, then I know that $15 is
worth exactly one hour of my time, and I should be entitled to do what I
want with my earnings. He said that I shouldn't, because if I threw
away money then I was saying that my time was worth nothing. I
disagreed strongly, but I knew we were going to get nowhere, so I made my
final statement. I said, "You grew up through the depression and
world war II, and so you have a different concept of wastefulness than I
do. I will never understand your viewpoint, because I didn't grow
up like that." I was only doing what I consider reasonable.
I guess we agreed to disagree, without saying as much.
3 42 am edt
Today I was asked to write an editorial for MetaJournals, which I think I will
enjoy doing. I realized how fully involved I have gotten with this
online community, so I made a page about
my involvement. I need to satiate my need to make lists every so often.
11 30 am edt
I added a tirara to my wish list,
because I'd really like one. I recently went looking for one in a
costume shop, but ideally I would have a real one some day. I love
the idea of going to a dance club wearing one. I had a silly crown
borrowed from Desirée when I lived with her. I wore it about
campus on my birthday (either my 19th or my 20th), and I
once wore out to a restaurant for dinner with my family (The Cheescake
Factory, I forget the occasion). I like the attention it brings
me, and hopefully someday I will have a tiara for such purposes.
4 23 pm edt
What it is about water? Why is water the symbol of life? Why
does water captivate us? Why can the image of a running stream in a
commercial sell facial cleansers? Why is the ocean so wonderful?
I like to sit and watch it, listen to it, contemplate it. I
like that the ocean makes me fell small and insignificant; it always will.
Not believing in the after life or reincarnation, I still don't mind
how the ceaseless pounding of the waves makes me feel small. It is
good to be reminded, every once in a while, of how short a time you will
live. The ocean reminds me that nothing I do will matter in 1000
years. And yet I strive to leave my little marks on the planet.
Above all else, I strive to be a good person, for I believe we live
on in the stories people tell about us. We can live forever in the
memories of others, until the dusk of humanity, however soon that comes.
6 09 pm edt
It is to my disappointment that I have found another reinyday. I was delighted to
have found my own unique (and, I though, rather clever) name for my slice
of the web. It is nice to think that I had some unique name for
myself, and I don't really think this other site has spoiled that.
I do love having my own domain name! It was a birthday present from Matthew.
8 23 pm edt
I had tomato soup for dinner. The flavor and smell will always
remind me of Matthew and our cold
nights together in Berkeley.
Nothing was finer than cuddling by the fireplace, his laughing at me
lightly because I always insisted on burning my cocunut shells as they do
in the South Pacific. We had good times, despite the stresses of
school; I am so excited that he is coming to visit in two days. My father and mother are unhappy that I am
paying for the trip, but I look at it as his birthday and our anniversary
gifts, since both occasions will occur this month (unfortunately, while I
am in France). Of course, I'd fly him out here even if I didn't
have those excuses. I love him, and he brings me the ultimate joy.