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Tuesday
12 October 99
12 19 am 3 39 pm 11 06 pm
12 19 am edt
I am feeling rather uneasy about what I wrote
earlier. I think I believe that if I admit to being scared I am
somehow inviting misfortune. I have been trying to distract myself
by catching up on mailing list and
personal e-mail.
Since my long discussion with Ashley about
cheating wound up being so tangental, tonight I sent him a concise
list of reasons why people
cheat when their relationship is on the rocks:
- it's fun *
- they feel they have an excuse
- they want to hurt their partner
- the person they cheat with takes advantage of their unhappiness
- they think it will be comforting (and i suppose sometimes it is
[comments on this?])
- they think/know their partner has cheated on them
- they want to give their partner an excuse to dump them, so that they
won't have to be responsible for being the dumper, and perhaps even so
that the cheater can feel sorry for themself for being the dumpee (or so
others will feel sorry for them that they got dumped)
- to be really sure the original relationship is ruined (aka to be
spiteful)
- they have the physical urge to do so and don't think at all about the
consequences
- they have the emotional urge to do so and don't think at all about the
consequences
- they feel/decide the benefits outweigh the consequences
- they want to feel in control
- they want to feel out of control
- they think/believe they can get away with it
- they want to get laid
* My first item on my list is "it's fun". I
should specify that I meant the "it" being sex, not cheating. Is
cheating in and of itself fun? Perhaps to some, but I can only
think for the novelty/thrill of it. I cheated once, on my first
boyfriend (the only official boyfriend I had before Matthew). I am not proud of this.
In fact, it saddens me to have that in my past. He always thought I
was going to cheat on him, and he would lecture me about it. I have
said that I would never cheat on Matthew because he doesn't believe I
would. People respond that that is the best time to cheat -- when
you are trusted. But I would never cheat when I was trusted.
I did once, when I was not trusted (and when the sex was very
unsatisfying). I hope I will have the strength never to do so
again.
3 39 pm edt
I need to say that what I wrote yesterday
sounds an awful lot like a suicide note, so if I accidentally get hit by a
bus or something today, for the record, it will be ana ccident. I
don't loose my cool very often, and I'm still not sure why I did last
night.
Instead of talking about that nonsenes, I have a small list of swanky links and quotes that I
have found of late:
I am more or less obsessed with quotes (as well as lists), and especially with giving
credit to those who say such marvelous. I know that many make the
argument that there are no original thought, and that may be true, but I
still credit it due to those who specifically put together their words in
such a memorable way, and additionally say them in such a context that
they will be quoted in the future. Perhaps that second point is
simply luck, but if it works, if works...
11 06 pm edt
Since I have been totally fanatical about making lists today, I decided to make a few
about food. I had fun listing
my favorite foods, but I petered out on searching for old food entries.
A project for another day...