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Wednesday
15 September 99
11 46 am edt
I wake up feeling hung over many days, and I know that is because I am
dehydrated. My new chores for myself are to drink more water, eat
lunch regularly, and go to bed earlier. I am basically on
California time because I talk to Matthew every night and I don't have any reason to wake up early.
3 07 pm edt
My eyes have begun to ache from all of the computer and television
nonsense I have been letting them take in, so I dug out my glasses and
donned them for the first time in many months. I spoke to my cousin Brian today and he said the
hurricane rain is going to hit tomorrow and possibly Friday. Does
that count as a good reason not to go out dancing? In addition, I
was hoping I might be able to hit some
cemeteries this weekend, but my aunt informed me that the are
currently spraying for mosquitos due to the current encephilitis outbreak.
I told her I wasn't worried. I really can't stand the news.
The whole current events thing is good to know, but I find the tele
and the newspaper much too depressing. Of course, I am startled
sometimes to find out how uninformed I am. These bzillion
hurricanes that apparently are hitting the east coast all the time are
total news to me. I have heard of Andrew, Dennis, and now Floyd.
That's it. I don't stay on top of this stuff, and that is
the way it has to be for me. This planet is a very scary place.
I can't remember ever parking a car without worrying if it will be
broken into (except at my mother's
house). Berkeley and now New
York are filled with the sirens of emergency vehicles try to help in yet
another disaster. I won't even tell you what I think about at
night. I am not in fear all of the time, but definately much more
often than is healthy. I just can't watch/read the news and stomach
all of the murders/molestations/rapes, especially of children. The
brual attacks that have no reason, that weren't even provoked, make me
want to curl up and die. And it seems to me that it gets worse
every year. My god, I am revealing to much about my secret
terrors...
I sat for a second and stared out the window, imagining for the millionth time what I would do if an attacker broke into my house. Glasses are an amazing thing, transparent lenses that bend the world a little so that it looks better. I wish I had some of that teenage invincability that people always talk about. At least I'm not worried about mosquitos, only people.
7 39 pm edt
I finally decided I would go to the store to get some dinner, since my
grandfather e-mailed me (!) from the office to say he had an unexpected
business dinner to attend. I got my shoes on and my hair in a
ponytail, and then realized that it was pouring outside. I don't
mind walking in the rain, but carrying groceries is another story.
So I scoured the cupboards, but all that I had was a lone can of
vegetarian baked beans. That was dinner. I put some mustard
in it, just the way my dad used to make it when he made us beanies and
weenies (what we always called franks and beans). Thankfully, my
eyes feel much better now that I am wearing my glasses (which is actually
pretty bizarre, because they usually hurt like the Dickens when I have to
get readjusted to wearing them). I immersed myself in working on a
novel, which is an activity which I have participated in off and on since
I was about 10. The fantasy that I will someday complete more than
a few chapters of one of these monsters always persists.
8 45 pm edt
I jut had a super-long conversation with my
sister, who is exceedingly excited that school tomorrow is cancelled
because of the hurricane. She is really coming into her own, now
that she has started high school. She informed me that like my brother and I did, she is geting braces.
She was also telling me all aobut her wintergaurd routine, and I hope I
can go see her perform after the New Year.