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Begin at the Bottom _________________ 7:32 pm I told Matthew I had a film idea involving him and already he's demanding royalties! I'm so glad that Ben introduced me to him. I just realized that I am blessed with some really amazing guy friends. _________________ 9:14 am 9:14 pm _________________ 9:08 am I just discovered that my Super MOO List is listed by PBS Online. Pretty shnazzy! 12:59 pm _________________ 5:48 pm _________________ 10:20 am Joshua has been teaching me many wonderful computer lessons. Today I added pictures to my page of links. 6:51 pm _________________ 2:28 pm Teaching went well, and I was assisted by George* whom I absolutely adore. We work together on the web team. I tried to get him to show me some martial arts moves, but he got shy. Rebecca and I then went and saw Gattaca, which was loaded with cheesiness but was still interesting. We then had a feast of Thai food; I eat a ridiculous amount! We were supposed to go to a few parties in the evening with Desirée but she kept making it later and later, and when she finally called to flake out, Rebecca* and I just went to bed. I would have been mad, but I know Desirée so well that I actually expected it from her. I said "Promise you'll be here in a half-hour?" but when she said "Yes" I didn't buy it at all. It is interesting to know someone too well. _________________ Some quotes from stories that I read tonight: "But the way men are so attached to that one little part of their
bodies, the way they're thrilled or pained by whether it's big or small,
well, I think it's cute." Kneel Down and Lick My Feet
Amy Yamada, 1988
"There was so much passion in their relationship at this point that whenever they were alone they fell immediately into each other's arms. That left no time to do anything else." A Lover's Ear
Yoan Ch'iung Ch'iung, 1985
"...he is called neither Sam nor Richard nor LeRoy but Hermann, and his hair, curly like the fleece of those black lambs that girls in mountain villages once had to procure as a dowry for their husbands, frames a forehead curved at the temples. Frames."
Black and White
Nicole Ward Jouve, 1977
_________________ 5:34 pm 'I know quite well what I am doing,' Dikeledi replied happily. She turned around to say that it was not a good thing to leave dirty dishes standing overnight but her mouth flew open with surprise. Two soft pools of cool liquid light were in his eyes and something infinitely sweet passed between them; it was too beautiful to be love. The Collector of Treasures
Bessie Head, 1977
_________________ 8:16 pm 9:59 pm My oldest friend [that has a weird connotation; it could mean that she's REALLY old, but really I mean that I've known her since first grade], Alexandra, sent me a letter with a beautiful necklace in it. It really meant a lot to me. I wear it as a symbol of a friendship that has truly stood the test of time. Today I got a package from my mom. She is so good to me. She was supposed to send some books and a blanket that belonged to my Grandmother, but she included all sorts of little presents for me too! She sent me dried apples (I love dehydrated foods!) and cinnamon scented soap. She sent some new bras and underwear (I'm wearing a matching set now!) and I am just so happy about that! _________________ 8:13 am 6:38 pm I am feeling like a delinquent friend. I am trying to determine how much of my guilt for neglecting my friendships is caused by others and how much is self-imposed. My level of busyness this semester, which has been unequaled by any other time in my life, has taken a serious toll on my relationships with others, especially Desirée and Robert. Josh seems to handle it quite well and Aurora actually laughs when I try to apologize for not seeing her more often. I really don't know what to do at this point, and I am so tired of saying I'm sorry. _________________ 8:15 am 9:31 am _________________ 8:08 am 4:50 pm _________________ 4:13 pm 4:58 pm _________________ 8:43 am Cindy and I have a lot in common personality-wise. But to watch her roll through highs and lows (elation and weeping) the past few days has been a real lesson. I think I understand what it's like for people to deal with me (I have a new respect for my friends, and more than an inkling of pity). Logically, you know the bad mood is not your fault, but you still feel responsible for the other person having it and you still feel guilty for not being able to get them out of it. Next week I am starting training for my job as a Macintosh technician. I am very excited! I love learning new things, especially about computers. I want to redo my web pages but I really don't have time. Quote of the month: "I had a good art teacher in high school. And I had a sense of purpose. I was going to be a painter. The fact that I couldn't paint for beans had very little to do with it. I found out quite early in the proceedings that I really wasn't a painter at all. Whatever else I was, I was not a painter." -- Edward Gorey 12:43 pm Speaking of flattery, when I was walking home from buying Cindy's antibiotics yesterday, some guy on Telegraph told me I was cute. A few days ago, when I was walking to class, some guy asked me if I was a dancer. I wasn't even in my leotard, and I found it so bizarre that he could recognize that in me. My whole life, I have written stories in my head as they have occurred. Sometimes I'll be walking to the market and thinking "She was walking to the market when suddenly . . ." Now, when I compose things in my head, they are always diary entries. I think: "Oh, I should write this in my diary." Of course, I always forget what I was thinking about by the time I get to the computer center. But I find it strange that this daily activity has taken such a hold on my mental processes. They're taking over my mind! One of my co-workers sent me a really rude e-mail and it really bothered me. Why can't people be polite? I know I'm overreacting, but it still irks me. _________________ 10:45 am _________________ 9:01 am I really like Edward Gorey whom I introduced Josh and Sam to, so I built him a little shrine*. 7:31 pm 9:16 pm 11:00 pm _________________ 8:31 am 7:31 Robert brought me a vegan cookie in French class today, which was nice because our film was rather dreary. I watched a film about an uprising in Argentina on Tuesday (yesterday) and then one on an uprising in Algiers today. How many executions can one person watch in 24 hours. It just kinda gets to you. This summer I found all of my parents home movies which were shot on Super-8 film. Hopefully I will be able to see them using the meager resources available to film students here at Berkeley. I want to re-edit them, and give them to my parents (of course, they are divorced, so perhaps they don't want to see this stuff, but I still want to). _________________ 8:20 am 8:55 am I am very please about the prospect of making a film this semester (for my Avant-Garde film class). Finally, I can feel like a real film student. 9:57 am _________________ 8:36 am I have been wearing two friendship bracelets since August. One my sister Rebecca made for me. The other was made by my 6-year-old cousin Liav. The one from Liav fell off Saturday night at my friend's house, probably while I was folding his laundry. These things are supposed to fall off; the teach us some sort of lesson about loss. 12:12 pm 7:08 pm I am teasing Josh mercilessly because he made the mistake of sitting next to me. _________________ 4:03 pm _________________ 2:54 pm _________________ 10:01 am Josh and I have a fantastic story of how we met. One day last year, just before finals, I stumbled across Chris Shumway's page*, because he is a fellow cinemaspace user. I thought that he had the niftiest program, so I contacted the maker, Josh, to ask for help in putting it on my page. I couldn't get it to work at all, and school ended before Josh could help me. However, before school ended, I applied to be a computer consultant here at Berkeley. The week before I applied for the job, I asked every consultant that I encountered if this is a good job. Josh was one of the people I asked, but I had no idea that he was the same Josh that I was e-mailing about his program. _________________ 9:39 pm If I get all of the assignments that I have due for Monday done, then I will be pleased as punch. If I can do all that, plus see a few friends this weekend and take at least an hour a day just for relaxing, then I will be delighted beyond belief. Josh is teaching me UNIX tricks right and left. I've learned control-L and wall and all sorts of fun stuff. I really like the last command, but that's just because I like to spy. _________________ 8:42 am Josh was so sweet to me last night. And he always helps me with my computer questions. I love my friends! I have decided that his native name will be "Dances With Keyboards." He must type 150 words per minute! But he wrote by hand for me! Even though I know this diary is on the web, I somehow forget or don't believe that people actually read it. I am always surprised when someone refers to something I wrote. I'll say I had a good dance class and a friend will respond, "Oh, you took a lot of Advil?" I am always a bit startled at the things I have revealed. 9:51 am 6:42 pm So today I had a rather long thought process about how my different friends perceive me. Robert only sees me in French, where I am -- how to put this delicately? -- not the best student. He only sees me in a classroom situation where I don't understand and don't put in a huge amount of effort. Now Joshua sees me in the computer context. I'm very good (if I do say so myself) at the things I know, but my overall breadth of knowledge is quite slim (and when compared to Joshua's level of understanding, mine is most decidedly minuscule). But the friends that I make in a dance or film class see me as highly motivated, on top of things, and in control. Ah, what a wonderful world. 8:02 pm 8:19 pm 8:39 pm 10:20 pm _________________ 9:27 am I have a paper due today which is 20% of my grade, and I just couldn't get it done. I have reached my limit for schoolwork, at least I know where it is now. I keep telling myself that everything will turn out ok, but my roommate is really bummed out about school and she tends to bring me down. My weekend at home was an un-wise wonder. I will soon write about how I got my new job (thank goodness I don't start for a while) because it is a wonderful story. Hope everyone else is surviving this week of work, work, work. 9:56 am _________________ 6:49 pm I got a letter from an ex-boyfriend today. Glad to still be friends with him, even though our lives have veered in to startlingly different directions. When I woke up this morning I had the worst cramps. I loaded up on Advil (the only medicine I will take) and trudged off to work. I ended up having a deliciously good day; I even got a new job. I've bought a knee brace, and dance was great today (though that could be the Advil). I am surprised at how much sympathy I get; I thought no one would notice! Back to work . . . But wait, I love this site! On my CinemaS p a c e account I got access to my .login and .cshrc files today and had way too much fun playing. I even made a .aliases file [refer to nerdity test above, I got a 43.80%]. _________________ 9:15 am I am finding being home to be rather disorienting. My Mom's house in under major reconstruction, so half of it is torn up, while my dad's house is full of artifacts from my grandmother's house, most of which is still unpacked. My grandmother died last semester and her house has just been emptied so that it can be sold. I had a dream the other night that my Art teacher told me that my web pages demonstrate that I am an egomaniac.Yesterday a friend of mine took me shooting. I had never shot a gun before and I was very surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I even got to fire an FAL, and the recoil for that was huge! My friend Alexandra, whom I have known since first grade, is coming over now to make crepes with me. I'm going to go slice strawberries. 12:14 pm I feel that I am not handling some of my friendships well, not putting enough time into them. I really don't have a choice, but I feel guilty nonetheless. I keep telling myself that it is only for one semester. But what if this is a lifestyle change? After this past summer I was very excited about New York, and I was thinking about going to NYU, or even Columbia, for grad school. But now I really want to go to MIT. Of course, MIT currently only has 24 people enrolled in the program I am interested in and only 24% of their graduate student are female. I wonder if I could get in. I wonder what my next flavor of the month will be. He wants so much of my time. I hate to say no to spending time away from my school work, but I am forced to so often. It is a huge responsibility to try to "make things better" for someone else, even if it is often reciprocated. 9:14 pm PDF: Portable Document Format. Adobe's variation of their Postscript language [it's a subset of PS, I think]. It's a neato-esque way of transferring document data with fonts, graphics, vector-based design, and URLs; the result is a cross between a nicely formatted magazine and the world wide web. _________________ 1:12 am Now, many a time in my life, I have exchanged phone numbers with someone. It's standard procedure. Once, when asked out to dinner, I used full nerdiness in replying, "You have my e-mail address . . ." But this was a first; we exchanged web sites. I have just realized that there is no protocol for the spelling of
certain web-related terms. They are not in any dictionary, so there
is no authority to refer to. _________________ 9:00 am I enjoyed the lecture last night. It was very well put together. There was a reception at a gallery afterwards, but Jo [a friend from art class] and I left early to make the voyage home on the beautiful BART. 11:09 pm _________________ Worked a few hours this morning and then hung out in the computer center a few extra hours to work on the Suitcase Clinic pages. I am officially getting credit for doing them, and that feels good. I'm now up to eight classes. I'm going to SF MOMA tonight for a lecture on interactive (multimedia) art and technology. It should be interesting. It was wonderful to have a break from class today for Rosh Hashanah. What a fantastic way to start the year. The other most romantic thing that has ever been said to me: _________________ The server was down when we were supposed to give our presentations yesterday, so our teacher had to cancel class. Someone cracked a joke that on the east coast school is canceled if there is a snow storm, but at Berkeley, school is canceled if the server crashes. I was frightened to realize how correct that statement is. I was so "out of it" this morning. I wake up to a clock radio. Actually, I usually wake up before my alarm goes off, but I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, so today I woke up to the alarm. It goes off at 6:58 so I can listen to the weather on 470 AM (it is supposed to rain tonight!!!). But the alarm is set to 91.1 FM (a magnificent Jazz station). This morning, I glanced at the clock and saw 91.1, but I read it as 9:11. I thought I had overslept! I leapt out of bed before I realised what was going on. Then it took ten minutes for my heart to come down from the adrenaline rush. Silly me! I had meetings about both of my webmaster positions last night (technically Web Administrator and WebGoddess). I have never been this busy in my life! The most romantic thing that has ever been said to me: Sundown tonight begins the Jewish New Year. It is 5758, so celebrate!!! _________________ Well, my knee injury that I thought wasn't so bad, has taken a turn for the worse. Today I have to give a presentation as to why I chose the content I chose for my web pages. I don't really know why! Things just appeal to me, so I use them. My roommate was really depressed last night (she was crying!). I felt bad because there was nothing I could do. I had to take a walk because the negative energy was so great in the apartment. Now I'm stressed out, and I just want this week to be over. Something or someone, give me the strength to survive! _________________ Last night I went to the city with Dimples (he brought me roses!!!). I didn't get my French composition done for today. I bruised a rib last week, so dance is going to be an interesting proposition today. I am teaching myself all sorts of HTML Goodies. Today is Josh's birthday. Have a spectacular one! I took a sub and now I'm finishing my eighth hour of consulting. I just made a list of places on the web that link to me. Who me, bored??? _________________ Worked on my web pages again today. Fixed an image at Josh's suggestion. _________________ Working from opening to closing is always an interesting experience. I have over-booked my weekend, but at this point I don't care. I just need to whip out two film essays before Monday rolls around. Today I played with more web design. I got to field two "non-computer related questions" (as the clients put it) today: "When does the game start?" (thank goodness Andy stepped in to take that one) and "Atheist means non-believer. How do you say disbeliever?" After asking him what exactly he meant, I suggested agnostic and then directed him to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. I made a page of Goddess Quotes*, which should grow rapidly in the near future. Happy Birthday Diary! You are now one week old! _________________ Ok, so I'm not working today, but somehow I still wound up in the computer center. I am working on an animation and JAVA script. Wish me luck! This morning I met with one of my bosses to discuss a program I want to be involved with. I told him that I'm getting a promotion next semester. Perhaps one should not tell one's boss when one is going to be promoted, but do I ever do what I should? Someone was missing from a facility, so I offered to cover his shift, but now that I'm here, he has arrived (only a half hour late!). So I am back to playing . . . (No rest for the wicked.) _________________ Andy took a sub and is working with me this morning. He thinks that I'm nuts for working every morning, but in time he will know that I am nuts. I got a reply to my reply to the long, convoluted e-mail and have decided that the two of us could bounce off each others' words forever. I had an amazing dinner last night with several of my best friends. I took off my watch and was actually able to forget about school for a few hours. Work is mild. Andy showed me the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. He also taught me to use a new program, a converter, though it didn't work for what I was trying to access. _________________ Work is SO slow today. I worked on several web pages. One of my friends sent me a very long, very convoluted e-mail, so I tried to sort through his ramblings. This was not an easy task. The network has just fluctuated: people are having trouble logging on and sending e-mail. No rest for the wicked . . . _________________ Too busy to write today. Running around like a mad-woman trying to fix computers. I stayed up to late last night doing French with Robert. It took us three hours to read a six page story! _________________ Today I get to work for five hours at the language classroom in the bowels of Dwinelle. I am sleepy because I stayed up way too late on Saturday night. But I got to watch two great flicks: Ghost in the Shell and Psycho. There were several problems with the computers here and I have spent a few hours e-mailing with the techs. I was glad to have something to work on. I like fixing things; I get that from my dad. I miss my family and I cannot wait to go home and see them. My brother is my favorite person on the whole planet. Quote for the day: "The day begins at midnight." Of course, I'm the one who goes to bed at eleven, but only because I work at 7:45 every morning. As one of my friends said of Berkeley, "If you're a morning person, you own the city." People have been super nice to me today, and it is only 10:53 AM. George* offered me a bagel and Ben came and rescued me. I was an idiot and left my French notebook at home and he came and watched over the ridiculously hectic language lab while I ran home. I love living one block from campus. Anyway, thanks a ton Ben! _________________ Today is slow beyond belief. I added more links to my cafe page and asked Josh and Phil lots of questions. I really like helping people, and it's bumming me out to have no one to help. "Where have all the clients gone, long time passing, I wanna know . . ." My counter* is not working on my page and it is starting to irk me. Actually, I've been toying with the idea of a web diary for a long time. There are all sorts of implications of how we present ourselves and what we are willing to reveal on this media. _________________ 20September97 Today I had the exciting honor of getting another e-mail address. We won't count my AOL account or my two Juno accounts because I never use them. To date I have my vegan account (which used to be my main one, but broke in half in August), my cinemaspace account (where most of my web mail is directed), my uclink4 account (which I never use), my cafe account (which is now my main mail account), my garnet account (which I never use and believe no longer exists), and my brand new web manager account *. Why anyone needs more than one account is beyond me (especially since the advent of filters), but there you go! |
