_________________
Saturday
31January98

11:34 pm
Long day.   Des came over to study with me, and then He joined us.   We all consumed a ton of tea and talked quite a bit more than we studied, but it was very enjoyable.   The deal with studying with other people (if it isn't the same subject) is that you want to share the interesting stuff with them.   So Cindy tells me about the different harmful chemicals in cigarette smoke and we discuss the potential of cows (via their methane emissions) to contribute to the green house effect.   I share with her the main problems with film theory (especially as applied to documentary film).

After studying, He and I went for a long stew in his jacuzzi.   I have another web assignment: making pages for a history class.   That means another meeting to schedule.   I love it though.   I meet interesting people and get exposure to different topics.   I was worried that with Him restarting school and moving -- namely beginning a new chapter in his life -- that I would somehow not fit in.   But things have been going smoothly and I am pleased as punch.

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Friday
30January98

12:22 pm
TGIF.   I had a job this morning working on web pages and they kept coming up blank, even if I didn't alter the code and only changed the file name.   That was rather embarrassing, since I didn't know what was wrong, and I am going back this afternoon to rectify the problem.

2:39 pm
When in doubt, ask someone.   I slipped into the office an a couple of my co-workers were able to help me fix the problem.   I called the man that I am working for to tell him, and he said great, come in anyway and I'll give you more work.   So that's what I spent the past hour doing.   I am completely exhausted because I went to his place last night and we stayed up rather late in his jacuzzi   It was 108 degrees, so we kept having to pop out of the water and sit on the side to cool off.   I love that breasts float in water; it feels so different.

I am very sore today because I crashed a dance class yesterday, and I haven't danced for a month.   After the two hour class, I went running.   My body is screaming right now, but I am so glad to be moving again.

_________________
Thursday
29January98

12:14 pm
So much to say I think I'll forget it all before I type it.   I am getting a mirror site set up for my Super MOO List, thanks to Neil, my best friend in Canada.   Yesterday I went to see two classic film noirs, The Big Heat and Human Desire, both of which were directed by Fritz Lang.   I left Him a message that he could meet me there, knowing fully well that he wouldn't.   Have you ever know that something wouldn't happen but still gotten your hopes up for it?   He is not that kind of guy.   He would never eat alone in a restaurant, as I did last night.   I know him well.   Sure enough when I got home after the films, there was a message from Him saying that he did not want to just show up at a theater without knowing for sure that I would be there and so I should call him.   The whole reason I left the message was because I wasn't going to be home to call him; I went to the movies straight from work.

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Wednesday
28January98

4:57 pm
Well, I was able to make it to the doctor's last night.   I am now on antibiotics for three days to cure my infection.   I hate telling people when I am sick.   I think part of me thinks that I did something wrong, which is ridiculous.   When I had a lump in my breast I didn't tell anyone; I just went to the doctor and took care of it.   When I found out that I was fine, then I called my mom.  She was mad that I hadn't told her earlier.

There are two Fritz Lang film noirs screening tonight so I think I am going to spend my evening at the movie theater.   My French teacher just walked in here and I helped him set up his facility account.   He said, "You passed," which left me with the feeling of not knowing how to respond.   I told him that I knew and that I had done a little dance when I had found out.   Then he responded to my anonymous teacher evaluation.   He said that he would have called on me in class if I had wanted him to.   What I wrote on my eval was that he never once called on me (assumedly because of my bad attitude) but that I was delighted because I live in fear of being called on in French class.   Come to think of it, that is the only class that I did not sit in the front row of.

5:51 pm
This will be my first time closing a facility.   I have alarm codes and everything.   One of the joys of promotion.   Then I'm going to a Web Team meeting.   The fun never ends.

6:12 pm
Now that I have trekked across campus to make my web meeting, everyone is doing homework and our project coordinator is in the hall gabbing with someone.   Oh well, I'm getting paid to be here.

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Tuesday
27January98

9:11 am
Doing work for the class I TA.   I woke up two hours before I needed to this morning.   We are covering some profound concepts in my classes, which I hope to be able to jot down here in the near future.   Tonight I am having dinner with Sheyna, which will be lovely, since today is the day I have class until 7 pm.   I haven't decided if I prefer to have my classes earlier or later in the day.   I definitely favor working in the morning.   There is something so freeing about having evenings without obligation.   Plus, it is much more enjoyable for me to have dinner with someone as opposed to breakfast with them.

2:43 pm
This morning I finished my second Web Notebook entry*.   I have to go to the doctor's and that is a pain in the butt to schedule.

5:12 pm
I use scheduling as an excuse, but I am really nervous about having a serious infection.   I feel safe saying that here, but I haven't told any of my family or friends yet.   Why is that?

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Monday
26January98

9:24 am
I specifically requested to not work opening (7:45 am) shifts this semester, but I somehow got scheduled for them anyway.   I don't especially mind.   My window faces the sunrise and I keep my curtains pulled back, so the sun usually wakes me before my alarm goes off.   But I figured that if I am dating someone, I want the option to spend the night at his house and not have to wake him at 6:30 am to drive me home (he lives quite far from me and I don't have a car, so he has to chauffeur me around).   Yesterday I was working during the football game, which wasn't a big deal since I wouldn't have wanted to watch it anyway.   However, He was having a party, and part of me wished that I could have attended that.   Cindy went, which was weird, since I wasn't there.   The idea didn't bother me, I just hope it wasn't awkward for her or Him.   Ben was also there and I would have loved to have hung with him.   When I spoke to Him, he was a bit odd.   I get funny feelings about things all the time, and if I have learned one thing, it is to trust my inner voice.   I was going to be upset, but then I realized that he was intoxicated, so I let it go.   Now I am glad I missed the party.   I don't especially like being around people when they are getting drunk and stoned.   I don't do it (I have never done any illegal drugs and I can count the amount of times I have drank alcohol on my fingers).   I don't look down on people who engage in recreational drugs -- if I did I would have no friends.   But huge crowds, where I am the only one who is sober, sometimes get to me.   I feel so responsible for everyone.   I guess it depends on my mood, because sometimes I will act more goofy than anyone else, no matter what they are on.   I would not have been in the mood for that yesterday, not after working from 9-5.

Karlyn had dinner with me last Tuesday and brought over a fantastic book called 1000 Nudes.   A certain someone saw the book and said "Yuck!" while turning it over so that she wouldn't have to look at the cover.   I was surprised; how could she not be curious?   How could she be disgusted by the human body?   It wasn't an obscene photo; it wasn't a woman laying spread eagle.   It was a discrete backside, from more than 100 years ago.   The photos were wonderful.   They were nudes from around the world dating from the 1850's to the 1940's.   Karlyn knew I liked the book so much that she bought me a copy.   She is very generous, one of several of her qualities that I have tried to assume.   She is the one who opens car doors for everyone, which I also try to do.

Last night I went over for dinner at Ben's.   We made a bet a year ago as to whether or not I would smoke pot in the course of the year.   Ben realized that if I bet that I would not, then I would have more incentive not to.   Since he would like me to, he canceled the bet and said that he would take me out either way.   But I still consider it a bet that I won.   Rather than going out, he offered to make me dinner.   I love men that know kitchen magic, and Ben whipped up a veggie stir-fry teriyaki thing that was just fantastic.   He started pulling all sorts of things out of his fridge, and quickly everything was chopped, cooked, and being served over steaming rice.   It was delicious.   I got to hear about the new woman he is interested in and his escapades in Israel over winter break.   I had a blast.   His housemate Elan and our mutual friend Aaron were there and we all ate our food while watching a 70's film called The Street Fighter.   It was a riot.   Ben promptly fell asleep when the film started, so we all stopped watching about halfway through and left Ben's room so that he could sleep undisturbed.   It was a magnificent evening.

One person has come to the computer center in the past two hours!   Silly!

_________________
Sunday
25January98
Super Bowl Sunday

2:27 pm
Back at work for good (my first time working in the computer centers this semester).   I need to buckle down and got to my work-related stuff (like designing cleaning schedules).   I have all sorts of decisions to make about what classes to keep and how much to work.   The wedding yesterday was beautiful.   I thought it a little bizarre -- getting married at 22.   Everyone in my family is divorced (with the exception of my cousins and a couple aunts and uncles) and so I plan on waiting a long time.   I want to be really sure that the person I marry is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.   Also, I had never been to a church wedding, only Jewish ones.   But I was very moved.   It was so beautiful to me to watch two people start their lives together.   I love to see people so hopeful about the future.

Before the wedding (it was in the evening) we [He and I] went shopping in the city.   I needed to buy a slip for my dress.   It was a fun excursion.   His car was broken into about a week ago and the culprits took all of his CDs and whatever money was in the car.   But he also had his dirty clothes (darks) in the back seat and they took that too.   So he has few boxers and we went and got him some new ones.   He gets weird about me buying him things, which I only half way understand.   I work a lot so that I can have enough money to play with.   He makes me happy; I want to make him happy.   I wish he would worry less around me and enjoy more.

_________________
Saturday
24January98

Today I went to a wedding in Alemeda.

_________________
Friday
23January98

12:18 pm
Ah, the end of a week.   Tomorrow I am going to the wedding of one of His friends.   I was asleep before ten last night; I had a splitting headache from staring at the computer screen too long.   Just before bed, He called.   He said he was going out and so I tried to get of the phone.   My curtness led him to believe I was mad at him, which I was in no way.   We need some sort of code word so that when I say I'm not mad he can know that I mean it.   Actually, he is not the first guy that I have dated who has complained about how I get off the phone.   When someone says they have to go, I assume they have to go.   When they say "I'm going to go now" I say "Ok, bye."   This makes sense to me.   But they seem to want to drag out the good-bye process.   What is the point of this?

Astro is my only class on Friday.   In class my teacher kept referring to ambient conditions.   He talked about the atmospheric pressure at sea level in ambient conditions, but all I could picture was a dimly lit bar with plush seats and jazz music playing softly.

1:23 pm
I am about to make my way home.   I have to go into the City today or tomorrow to but a slip for the dress I will be wearing to the wedding.   I just spell checked some of my previous entries.   I have a lot of weird mistakes where I flipped letters (b for d, w for m).   I wonder how that happens in my mind.   Perhaps society should have tried to construct an alphabet where all of the letters were unique (had no flips) or were all symmetrical.

_________________
Thursday
22January98

1:45 pm
On Thursdays I will be ta-ing from 10am-4pm.   That's a long time to sit in a classroom, but I brought my lunch and I figure if I get bored I can calculate how much money I am making per second.

I will be making a documentary film this semester (6-9 minutes) for my documentary class.   I got the following review of the film I made last semester for my Avant-Garde class:

Your campus is certainly beautiful through the video-optic, at once, through superimpositions, revealing its layered surfaces of the enchanted and the disenchanted. The wonder you evoke is a composite, made of immaculate architectural space and space-in-the-making, construction sites. The superimpositions of the two is effective in creating this sense of wonder and suggests a personal vision - a montage perspective - of a place that radically departs from its banal catalogue description. Good work!

3:19 pm
Well, my day of ta-ing is winding down.   My teacher, inspired by this diary, has assigned the students to do an online web notebook, in which they will discuss their impressions of the assigned readings.   I feel like I owe the class an apology.   Here is my first entry:

HYPOMNEMATA (online source)

From an Interview with Michel Foucault in The Foucault Reader;
Paul Rabinow, editor (New York) Pantheon, 1984, p 363-5.

Thurs, 22Jan98:
To start, I went to Webster's Online Dictionary and looked up HYPOMNEMATA but it said that the word does not exist.

Although Foucault suggest that, "the question of writing and the self must be posed in terms of the technical and material framework in which it arose," he does not seem to truely examine that frame work. Foucault asserts that writing was used to construct a relationship to oneself. I am convinced that people had a relationship to themselves before the advent of the personal writing device -- the notebook. I think that people most commonly use writing (especially notebook style) to supplement the human memory (as in shopping lists) or get get something (as in letter writing).

Foucault believes that writing is linked to the problem of the culture of the self. I feel the the real of writing as a form of self-expression -- as in the novel -- is linked to culture and the self, but that the idea of gotting down details in a notebook so that they are not forgotten (such as directions to someone's house) is in no way linked to problems of culture. Perhaps Foucault (as he so often does) has taken this idea of linking the act of writing and larger societal issues a bit to far.

4:42 pm
It is way past my time to head home.   I am looking forward to a nice bowl of cereal.   Oh!   I have red beans and rice soup!   I shall dine tonight!

_________________
Wednesday
21January98

12:31 pm
Plugging through my second day of classes.   My Astronomy class is going to be fantastic!   I love science and I have not had the opportunity to take much of it here.   Plant Biology was one of the best classes I ever took at Berkeley.   I was so into it.   My rundown of classes is as follows:

Documentary Film (looks very challenging but I will learn a ton and I love documentary as a genre. the teacher is fantastic; she flew in from Sundance to teach our first class)
Film Noir (hasn't net yet but the teacher is supposed to be fabulous and I love the subject)
Astrology: the Planets (should be engaging though also a substantial amount of work)
Stagecraft (necessary for my dance minor. not looking forward to the amount of hours, but I know I'll manage and I may may some good contact people)
Art: the History of Multimedia (the class I am TA-ing. I will end up doing all of the work of the normal students, but I'm getting paid and I am really looking forward to learning more about this subject)

I may manage to throw in a dance class, but I can't figure out when I'll squeeze it in.   In Astro today my teacher referred to geological time and I have to wonder how that differs from other forms of time [I am so tempted to say temporal time].   Perhaps I'll ask him some time.   Documentary was way over-enrolled yesterday. Nearly ninety people showed up for a class in a room which barely holds fifty.   There were dozens of people on the floor.   Today in Astro the same thing happened, only this time the lecture hall held around 600 and there were about fifty people sitting on the stairs or in the aisles.   I was in the third row and there were a few empty seats around me, but we all know how uncool it is to sit in the front of the class.   I like being in the front.   And it means I don't have to wear my glasses.   I'm off to stagecraft.   Slowly I slip into a routine which I will cling to for the next few month and then discard at the advent of finals.   What a funny place college is . . .

_________________
Tuesday
20January98
First Day of Classes

1:37 pm
Well, I had my first meeting of the class I will be TA-ing.   I am very much looking forward to this experience.   My spark is back.   I walk down the street with my big dopey grin and I let trickles of laughter bubble over at various moments.   This is going to be a fantastic semester.   I don't know why I ever doubted it.   I will learn a ton, and earn bank, so to speak.   I will be able to see my friends again, and study with my man.   He's coming back to school after working for a year.   I am so proud of him.   He really is an incredible human being.   I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.   And there is a man named Neil, whom I have never met, who has been so generous with regards to helping me keep My Super MOO List online.   I will hopefully be able to mirror the site.   Thanks a bundle Neil!

_________________
Monday
19January98
Martin Luther King Jr. Day

6:33 pm
Just had my first meeting for work.   School looms as a terrible threat, about to erupt tomorrow.   I just saw Titanic with Cindy and Matthew.   The writing was horrid -- cheese city -- but overall it was rather well-done.   I want to spend another night with him, but wonder if he needs time alone.   I have never spent this much time with anyone in my life (besides my roommates and family).   I enjoy it immensely.   I have this creeping feeling of dread about school -- very unusual for me (at least before it starts).   Cindy has it too; there is a thin mist of tension in our apartment.   I made a ton of potato-leek soup last night in the new 5 gallon pot my dad gave me for the holidays.   I love cooking.   Sometimes I am so domestic!

7:00 pm
Yea!   My Super MOO List is back online!   My server is back after being down for an upgrade for nearly a month.   I am so delighted.   Can anyone say computer nerd?

_________________
Sunday
18January98

Spending two evenings with Him (last night and tonight).   Emotional.   Perhaps we sorted things out.   Perhaps we created more distance between us.   In the end, I think he understands why being with Him is so hard for me.   He has so much patience.   Karlyn called, and I hadn't talked to her in ages.   She puts such an interesting spin on things.   I really like her way of looking at the world.   She said her new man has never embarrassed her in front of others -- a trait I never recognized as important until she pointed it out.   I hate being put down in front of others; it's so humiliating.   Of course, I could probably do with a bit more humility.

_________________
Saturday
17January98

1:36 pm
I just filled out my sched for work.   I got a message from a woman that said that they can't hire me as a TA because I work too many hours at my other jobs.   This is a mess.   I am going to have to do some major shuffling.   I am excited to go see His new house.   We are going to make a late lunch together, and then perhaps take a dip in His jacuzzi.

_________________
Friday
16January98

Drove up to Beserkeley.   Being back at school is good, but for some reason I am not as excited about this semester as I have been about previous ones.   I'm sure I'll get into it once classes start.   Driving up with my dad was fun.   He's a good guy.   We saw Jackie Brown together.   My dad said that what makes me attractive is that it is readily apparent that I think I am a good person (and that I don't know that it shows).   I think I'm dandy, but the real fire lies in the fact that I believe that I will be unbelievable in the future.   I think I am going places.   I feel in my gut that I will succeed.

_________________
Thursday
15January98

12:02 am
I had a horrid dream last night that I hurt my brother.   I think it is making me a bit afraid to go to bed tonight.   I had such a glorious day.   Sheyna and I had orange tea and ate strawberries for at least an hour, while giggling about our respective men.   Her boy sounds like a dream, and I'm glad to hear that she's found someone that makes her so happy.   All of my friends keep telling me they've never seen me so hooked on a guy.

Doing a little spring cleaning.   I'm throwing out tons of e-mail.   It feels good to delete entire folders -- such a simple, clean way to erase a person from my life.   I feel like I am starting very fresh this semester.   I'm also breaking a bad habit I have with men.   I have seriously dated one guy every semester I have been at Berkeley (five semesters, five guys).   This semester there will be no new man, only my sweetheart from last semester.   I declare the pattern broken!

2:09 am
OK, I am officially up way past my bed time.   I have so many ideas swimming around in my noggin; I doubt my brain will ever let me sleep.   I used to hate that I couldn't turn off my thoughts.   Now the constant hum of interest is a comfort.   I don't think I have ever been bored in my life.   Well, maybe if I'm standing in line and I have nothing to read, but then I have people watching to pass the time.   I also love to eavesdrop on conversations.   I often laugh at people when they are upset and they make a fool out of themselves.   The best location for activity of this sort is the airport.   Someone will turn bright red and begin spewing curses at a the poor clerk who informed them that their luggage has flown to New Jersey instead of LAX.   In the middle of their tirade I burst out laughing behind them in line.   The clerk looks startled, not sure what the irate client will do.   The unhappy luggage loser will turn to face me.   (S)He (it's usually a he, but you'd be surprised at what I've seen) is ready to assess me as a threat, but (s)he is never quite prepared for me.   I always flash my best I'm-12-years-old smile, but they can usually still seen the smirk behind it.   Ah, I love people.   I love this planet we live on.

9:00 am
I was bitter cold last night and it took me forever to fall asleep.   This time tomorrow I will be on the road to Berkeley.   Here we go again.

_________________
Wednesday
14January98

9:24 pm
Wonderful day with Sheyna.   We went to the Huntington botanical gardens in Pasadena.   We had tea and chattered away the afternoon while strolling through lush gardens.   My idea of heaven.

_________________
Tuesday
13January98

11:36 pm
Terrified I have revealed too much   I told him I didn't want him to read my diary for the month   too personal   explains too much of my true feeling towards him   Is it safe to reveal such things?   I am scared   he will hurt me   Funny, he worries that I will hurt him   Rebecca* says this fear will hold us together, but I don't think it works that way   love will hold us together and fear will tear us apart   Do I reveal too much?   Am I too honest?   Is there such a thing?

Two bizarre experiences yesterday:

I dragged myself to the post office in order to mail a letter for my mom by the pickup time.   I was also to check the PO Box, to which she had lost the key.   So I got in line with my ID in hand.   I was fresh out of bed -- hadn't even washed my face yet -- and I was wearing a sweatshirt and sweat pants in two shades of grey.   I saw the last man in line turn to assess me as I stepped up behind him.   I looked so schleppy that I was sure he was going to ignore me.   And I was pleased at that prospect; when I am satisfied with the one I am with I don't even look at others.   So I'm twirling my shiny new driver's license between my fingers (got it renewed last month; no longer has the big blue ribbon which pronounces Age 18 in 1995 but still has the great red banner which declares Age 21 in 1998).   He looks at it and says, I thought those pictures were supposed to be awful but yours turned out cute.   This is actually true; I got a marvy picture on my license, besides the fact that I look 12 and I was 17.   He asked how old I was in the picture.   I went back to twirling my ID.   When I finally got to the desk I collected a lovely assortment of backlogged junk mail.   I took it to the desk by the recycle bin and began sorting.   He was there.   He looks at me and says, "Are you looking for a job?"   I smiled and said no and then inquired as to what service he might find me qualified for, seeing as how he had first seen me only five minutes before.   He could see I was amused and it made him more nervous.   I have had my share of lines, mostly due to the fact that I used to dress in next to nothing.   So I was prepared for something cheesy, like modeling.   But he said he was a jeweler and he needed someone to neatly handwrite the names of stones for the display cases.   That was a new one -- he hadn't seen my handwriting.   I told him I went to Berkeley.   Then came the real kicker; he said that he was sure that if he was in Berkeley he would have no trouble finding help.   This was a useful statement, especially considering what a small place Los Angeles is.   I wished him a good day and went on my way.

Now if that didn't qualify as weird, then let me share this with you.   I was lounging at home with not much to do.   My brother returned from basketball practice and we hung.   As he was getting in the shower he made a goofy face at me, which totally reminded me of Sam, the man I was most in love with until my current beau came along.   It took me ages to get over Sam, and the second half of our relationship was long distance (he in Chicago, me in Berkeley).   So I decided to call him up; we hadn't spoken in ages.   Background: Sam had a high school sweetheart named Wendy, whom he dated for years.   They broke up simply because distance separated them when college began.   I met Sam my second semester of our freshman year, and we immediately became involved.   He was kind enough to tell me that he still had feelings for her, but he was very depressed and he clung to me like there was no tomorrow, which worked because I'm usually good for a bit of worship in any relationship (as in, I worshipped him; he could do no wrong).   Sam, in his misery (and one of the hardest majors at Berkeley) managed to fail out of school.   So he went home to Illinois and I dutifully wrote him daily (actual letter, can you imagine?) though I rarely got a response.   Finally he told me that he had slept with one of his friends back home (let me say briefly that he did not tell me this in a nice way) and he wouldn't even own up to it; he said that she jumped him [note to all men: don't ever say this; you will sound like a moron].   Months later he called and told me that he and Wendy had begun to hang again, and though neither of them had planned it (please join me in a communal eye roll), they were now back together.   His intentions had been to return to Berkeley after a year of community college in Chicago, but now he was going to school in Iowa to be near her (hmmm, degree from Berkeley or degree from Iowa?   Now that's a tough decision).   So he slipped out of my life as gently as he had slipped in.   I'm friendly with all of my exes (though only friends with Ben) and I was genuinely interested in how he was doing when I called yesterday.   He asked about the men in my life (I knew he would be curious) and I told him about the life in my man.   And then I inquired about Wendy.   They are getting married!   It seems strange to me when people my age get hitched.   But someone I've dated?!?   That is definitely up there on my list of weird things in my life.   I hope I get invited to the wedding!

_________________
Monday
12January98

12:02 am
It is good to be home.   My old Centris welcomes me.   But sleep and The Difference Engine call me.   G'night, wonderful web.

2:04 pm
My tummy is bulging on my mom's bean and pasta soup.   I watched Liar Liar this morning.   I slept eleven hours, so I must have needed some serious rest.   One more week until classes begin again.   One more lazy week of lounging.   My mom is concerned that I spend too much time with Him.   She knows how attached I am.   At various times she slips inquiries about our relationship into our conversations.   Today she came home and asked if we have had our first fight yet.   I told her not really.   We have not had it out yet; there have been times when I've been upset, but nothing major.   He really makes me happy.   I am spending the night at his place tonight.   I hope his family isn't upset that I spend so much time with him.

_________________
Sunday
11January98

10:57 pm
We drove back from Berkeley today.   After we arrived and unpacked stuff at his house we went out to dinner.   Upon returning home my mom remarked that we were inseparable.   I suppose that we are.   I've realized why I am so afraid of getting close to Him.   In my relationships, I have always wanted to be a small part of a man's life -- I wanted to be something extra that makes him happy.   But with Him it's different.   I want to be a big part of his life.   I want to spend a huge amount of time with him.   I've never had anyone this close to me before, and that gives Him such an opportunity to hurt me.   My mom said she doesn't want my heart to get broken.   I told her that makes two of us.

There was a little earthquake tonight.   Something to shake life up a bit.   It is good to question one's sense of security once in a while.

11:28
I am a bit jittery about going back to school.   I will be working three jobs and I want to do really well in my classes this semester.   My parents always stress how important my grades are.   My mom does so because she is a college professor, but even my dad has started in on a your-grades-this-year-are-most-important-for-grad-school routine.   I do not want to concern myself with graduate school now.   I want to concern myself with now.   Thinking about the future makes me think about Him.   I won't pretend that I don't; I judge the husband potential of every guy that I date.   Some I think about briefly and then dismiss, but some make me ponder their ability to be a good father.   I actually have the illusion that He and I will stay together a long time -- but then there is no fun in dating if you don't, in part, believe in of hope for that mutual future -- and I wonder how I will ever leave Him when I graduate.   Would I stay in Berkeley to be with him that last year?   Would he follow me to the East Coast after that?   There is some sort of comfort for me in such intellectual wanderings.

11:38 pm
I won't pretend like it doesn't frighten me a bit to be so honest.   I fell as though it will all come back to haunt me.   It felt good to be away from the computer for a week (though I kept up my diary on paper) but I now have to desire to swim through the sea of e-mail which has amassed.

_________________
Saturday
10January98

4:46 pm
I feel as though I am playing a game to which I do not know the rules.   This feeling is common in a relationship, is it not?   I try not to bring up silly things that bug me.   I tell myself I am overreacting and I try to let my feelings pass.   But He gets irked that I avoid discussing such incidences.   I am only trying to make things easier, yet somehow they turn out more complex.

_________________
Friday
9January98

11:29 pm
So good to hold him in my arms.   I spent all day cleaning and packing useless stuff to take home.   I thought about Him in the countless hours I was alone with myself.   He returns to me and my whole being sings.

I like the sweet smell of beer on his breath.   The piquant odor makes me grin.

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Thursday
8January98

8:59 pm
I am alone.   I watched Smilla's Sense of Snow and it was deeply powerful to me.   I am moved.

I am alone in my home with my demons.   They are not as frightening as I thought they would be [as they used to be].   I stare at the face of an attraction which grows in me every day.   I am afraid to get too close.   It is so silent here.   There is no music, only the quiet hum of the refrigerator in the closet.   There is no happy drunken buzz from the bar I live across the street from.   A few cars drive by on the street.   I love the stillness of silence.   I am at peace with myself.

I got my grades today: decent.   I passed French.   I am getting a computer.   My plants are singing their green song.   I never buy flowering plants.   Why is that?

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Wednesday
7January98

6:13 pm
Said good-bye to Susie and Taryn for the semester.   They are both taking a semester abroad in Spain.   My good friend from the dorms, Brian, will be in New Zealand for a year, as well as Michelle, whom I went to high school with.   So many of my friends will be away, but there are so many new ones to meet.

I've spent all day indoors.   I've been repotting plants and rearranging furniture.   I like the idea of starting off the semester fresh and clean.   I would make a terrible housewife if I didn't come home.   Everyday when my husband came home he would find the household had been rearranged.

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Tuesday
6January98

I went with Him to MacWorld today, where He is working for the week.   I loved watching Him in action, but I was rather overwhelmed by such a large display of capitalism.   So many visual and audio attractions, all designed specifically to attract you close enough to a booth so that a salesperson can rope you into buying the product by giving a shnazzy demo.   I saw some amazing products; I was especially interested in the innovations in non-linear editing.   I decided that I really need one of the massive printers that allow you to print your own posters.   I guess I'm an easy sell, but I wasn't looking to buy.   I had someone else's badge and so I was sporting the title of Supervising Technical Manager, or some such nonsense.   When I told people I worked at Berkeley they asked whether I meant the school or Berkeley Systems.   I found that quite amusing.

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Monday
5January98

I had to stay home while he went off to work.   I feel a bit married and the most frightening thing about it is that it really doesn't bother me.   I spend so much time with him and I love every minute of it.   After he returned we went shopping.   I intended to be shocked if we made it out of the grocery store for under $200, but we somehow managed to get out of there at $150.   I love food.   It is my biggest expense (not counting rent and school, hee hee).   We were trying to decide on material for dinner and he was not engaged by any of my suggestions.   Finally I asked him what he would cook for himself; he replied: steak.   I suggested that he get a steak to make himself and I offered to make rosemary roasted potatoes for the two of us.   My mom says it must be love if I let him cook steak in my apartment.

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Sunday
4January98

Drove to Berkeley.   We don't get sick of each other, even after so many hours together.   I stopped at In-N-Out just so he could get two cheeseburgers.   Will he fault me because I try so hard to please him?   We rented Austin "I shagged her rotten" Powers and Bound ("Who's the dead man?").   I had seen the latter and he had seen the former, so it was a perfect compromise.   I think Bound is one of the most spectacular films ever, and I'm always afraid when I share a film like that with someone that my friend won't see the qualities in it which I loved.   But everyone I have shared it with (including my brother and father) have found it to be phenomenal.

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Saturday
3January98

11:31 pm
Adam and I have just watched 2001: A Space Odyssey.   I told my brother it was slow and would be anti-climactic at the ending, but nonetheless we both enjoyed it thoroughly.   Conservative cousin David (who slept through the film) spent New Year's Eve at the Rainbow Bar and Grill in West Hollywood.   I have fun imagining him there.   Rebecca has returned home to Florida and I'll be taking a trip to Berkeley tomorrow, which should be fun.

The city was ringed with a marvelous circle of cream puff clouds this evening.

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Friday
2January98

4:44 pm
I had breakfast with my friend Adam.   I had humus and hash browns at Jerry's Deli and we chatted about Adam's adventures at Club Med.   Then I saw The Sweet Hereafter with my mom.   I knew it was going to be depressing but it fascinated me; it was so un-Hollywood.   Then my mum and I went shopping and we are going to have a wonderful dinner tonight: pasta, butternut squash soup and strawberries and chocolate for dessert.   Yum!

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Thursday
1January98
New Year's Day

11:06 am
Beautiful day.   As Howard said this morning, how could anyone live anywhere but Southern California.   The high today in Cincinnati is 29 degrees, but here in LA it will probably hit 80 again (like it did yesterday).   There isn't a cloud in the crystal blue sky.   This is paradise.