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Saturday
28February98

10:17 pm
Problems with the server today and who knows when this entry will go online.   When I tried to log on I recieved a message which said that I had no shell access.   So be it.   After the break into the system, I gave a bit of thought to my digital materials.   This diary is the only document I would be devestated to lose.   I want this day-by-day record of my life to read in fourty years [if I am lucky enough to still be around then].   Today I didn't have work and I was so delighted to not have to be up at a certain time.   We spent the morning reading chapters of Anais Nin's Delta of Venus to each other.   We finially got out of bed to eat lunch.   I cannot go for many hours without eating.   I have spent all day here at His house.   I was highly amused in the middle of the afternoon to find thre of the boys who live here attentively watching the painting instruction of Bob Ross, who today said that mistakes are "happy accidents."   The sunset was glorious.   I tried to contain my happiness for the first part of the day, but finally I uncorked beaming Rachel and let her shine.   He had a mood swing and got a bit grumpy and I had a terrific time trying to contain my warm and fuzzy feelings.

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Friday
27February98

3:42 pm
The party last night was lovely.   I got to dance a lot and I actually met a few nice girls.   Usually I look at the girls at a fraternity function as other.   I see a them and a me.   But last night I met a few to actually talk to and dance with.   I wore real stockings with garters and all the ladies found that to be so classy.   Everything is back to being romantic and mushy with him.   He came to class with me this morning, and since we went from his place and I forgot mine, I am wearing a pair of his socks.   I met with three of my bosses this week and I was over-worried for each meeting.   Everyone is delighted with my work, etc.   I am currently scrambling to finish designing an academic site for Art History 172 -- The Dutch Golden Age.

5:23 pm
I am very frustrated with myself.   I stupidly left my homework until last night and was unable to get one of the questions done in time for class today.   I am frustrated with my ability to do graphic design.   Nothing that I am making looks good to me.   But most of all, I am frustrated with my ability to be a student.   He is very good at graphics and I asked for help.   He said that I get upset when he corrects me, which I did not realize.   I have never taken criticism well and I thought that I was inproving.   The big slap in the face is that I am not.   I think of the word I have written here this month and I have time and again noted my faults.   I know that I feel bad because I chose to not focus on my strengths but on my weaknesses.   I need some time to celebrate being me.

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Thursday
26February98

10:38 am
Spent four hours last night watching a run-through of the play I am doing set design work on.   It was the first time I have seen The Seagull and I very much enjoyed it.   Before I went off to rehearsal I called Him.   We talked for a bit, but for part of the time we sat in silence.   Finally we agreed to end the conversation.   I know that I don't get off the phone well (aparently, I am rather abrupt) but he chose to overreact and behaved childishly.

12:32 pm
Back to my story:   So I went to the rehearsal and thought about him a bit and decided that I could use an evening off.   I wasn't exceptionally upset, but I didn't feel like getting into the whole ruckus of discussing with him what was wrong and how I could fix it (my favorite question to ask).   There was no way to avoid it, though.   When I called him and told him I didn't want to come over, he decided he was being punished and then he had to get very upset [guilt] for causing the whole situation in the first place.   So we ended up talking about it and having a whole production, which didn't end as neatly as either of us would have liked.   Such silliness.   I try to tell him that certain situations are not such a big deal, but he tends to blow things out of porportion (and I thought that was my job!).   Needless to say, we are spending the evening together tonight.   He has a date party for his fraternity so we will be in the city tonight and I got off work for the morning so we can sleep in tomorrow.

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Wednesday
25February98

9:08 am
I have arrived at work.   He will be joining me shortly; he is bringing me tea because I missed breakfast due to his dawdling.   Of course, I would rather have tea and see him for an extra ten minutes than have breakfast.

9:41 am
He is in a grumbley mood because he has a midterm today, which is understandable.   I wish I knew beautiful, poetic thinks to say to make him feel all better.   When I was younger and I got sick, my mom would always say, "If I could take your sickness and put it in my body I would."   At last I understand how she feels, and I would gladly suffer a bit to see his shining smile again.   He is so good to me.

10:31 am
I pointed out several errors on my Astro homework sheet to the TAs on Monday.   They did not look at all pleased and I felt a bit guilty because I sort of enjoyed telling them they were wrong.   I hate that I like being right so much.   Des told me I sometimes have a know-it-all attitude, which I am sure is true and which is probably quite unpleasant for others.   Yet another feature of me to improve.

1:02 pm
The play rehearsal I was supposed to go to on Monday was moved to tonight, so I am in for a long evening.   I may not be home until eleven.   I am tired from eating lunch and hope to get peppy soon!

4:31 pm
I harbor some guilt because I actually sometimes find myself opperating in a sort of 50's housewife mindset.   I am very independent, outspoken, and strong, but sometimes I can understand the notion of support a man to his success.   Oh, it makes me ill to even type that.   Sometimes, I cannot believe these words come from within me.

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Tuesday
24February98

2:04 pm
I have realized that my recent discontent is the result of my feeling of being disorganized.   I believe that if I clean up my room and do my laundry I will begin to feel more relieved.   I want to let a project slide off my plate but I am feeling guilty about having been committed to it.

7:39 pm
I missed work last night and I feel disappointed with myself.   I didn't even know I was shifted.   I didn't see my initials on the schedule and I have rarely been shifted in the evenings.   Oh well.   I know I should not worry about things that I cannot do anything about.   I tell myself that constantly, but sometimes I forget to believe it.   Also, with regards to one of my other jobs, the professor for whom I am designing a course page seems to be fretting, and I am not sure what to do.   I have put in many hours already and that is why I am here tonight.   Work, work, work.   At least when Wednesday draws to a close I begin to feel like me week is winding down.   Somehow I feel like I am ready to graduate, but I am a semester early for senioritis to kick in.

9:34 pm
I have definitely worked too long.   Now that my eyes are bleary and my shoulder sore, I shall begin preparing to go home.

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Monday
23February98

10:48 am
I hate to reach the point where I begin to find a person's traits annoying.   Then they can do no right.   It is common when dating a guy, to find his personal habits oh so cute when you are attracted to him, and then oh so repulsive later on.   That, to me, is a semi-understandable progression.   But I find it so disheartening when this phenomenon occurs in relation to my female friends.   It has only happened once before, but right now I am in the middle of finding everything annoying about someone who I used to spend an excessive amount of time with.   I was telling Matthew about it and he said he could not believe that such little things would bother me.   I find it frustrating myself!   I do not know what to do when I begin to understand one of my actions/feelings but am still at a loss to rectify/change it.   This lack of possible actions to take makes me feel quite helpless.   I am a slave to myself.

2:04 pm
I found myself in a pissy mood when lunch came around.   I was just overwhelmed by my schedule for the day.   Class till five, and then production stuff for stagecraft until around nine.   The only thing keeping me warm (besides Earl Grey) is the thought of Him coming over last night.   I closed my eyes and hoped for him to come and he did -- first time he has ever shown up unanounced.   That is new for the warm and fuzzy list!

4:32 pm
We are watching The Big Heat in class, which I watched just a few weeks ago, so I have snuck out for a bathroom and diary break.   I needed to stretch my legs.   I am amazed how much more I can pick up on in a film when I see it for the second time.

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Sunday
22February98

1:23 pm
The sun actually came out today so I trotted off to work in my new five inch platforms.   Now my feet are teathered in band aids (they are actually curad brand) as I try to break them in.

3:44 pm
My time at work is drawing to a close.   I have submitted this diary to two new webrings: Private Parts and Journal Windows.   I like being part of this community of online journalers.   I wonder if other writiers have the same motivation that I do.   I communicate my experiences to preserve them and to depower the ones that need a little depowering.   Sometimes I marvel at how my roommate tells the same stories over and over to each of her friends.   I have come to believe that the experience grows less and less important to her with each telling (as it does for me).   There is a comfort in having this method of reduction.   I keep my most important memories deep inside; they are little treasures for me to look back on in the future.   Sometimes I envision a small bottle which I wear on a ribbon around my neck, where I keep these special moments that make me who I am.

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Saturday
21February98

2:56 pm
I am about to teach an intermediate HTML class.   This morning Cindy and I took our recycling to the center and then went grocery shopping.   All this we did in the middle of a pouring rainstorm.   We got soaked -- and I mean really wet -- but I thought it was quite fun.   I laughed the whole time!   Rain makes everything an adventure.   I have not been as productive as I would have liked to have been (as usual).   But I have this evening to do schoolwork -- well, before Des comes over to make dinner with me.   There is always some distraction to be had.   I am six pages away from finishing my paper diary, which I started 28September96.   It has sort of taken the back burner to my writing here, but I will have a sense of closure upon its completion.   It means a lot to me -- a way of saying good-bye to memories.   I am feeling a bit out of sorts today, and I spent the morning (after our rainy shopping adventure) reading for pleasure and sipping tea.   It was like a vacation in an hour.   I need some extra sleep and I will be brand spankin' new.

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Friday
20February98

9:13 am
I am so delighted that today is Friday and that I will be done with classes by noon.   At that point I will be going into the office and doing several hours of work to try to get some major stuff out of the way.   My professor read my entry yesterday and apologized in response to it, which seems rather bizarre to me, since I chose not to address the issues with him at that time.   I knew that I was having the immediate reaction of being pissy and I wanted to wait a day to blow off some steam.   I know myself well enough to realize that how I react in the short term is different then how I intend to act in the long term.   Well, I got not enough sleep last night, for though I went to bed at a decent hour, the phone kept ringing at odd hours, including one call for his housemate at 3:30 am.   He feels bad because I don't get a good night's sleep at his place, but there is nothing He can do about it so I wish he did not fret.   The heating system in his house works such that it is eaither freezing, or the heat dries out the air to a point which I cannot stand.   So I always wake up in the wee hous shivering or with a sore throat and I have to get up and switch the vent from however I left it when we went to bed (open or closed).   Once again, this is not his fault, and it does me no good if he feels guilty.

I was not really upset with my prof, I just get really frustrated about being late, and when I realize that I was worrying for no reason I get frustrated with myself.   I have a total complex about being on time and more than one of my friends has kindly let me know that I need to get over it.   I think it is rude to be late, and I believe that when people are consistantly late to class, for example, they are simply disrespecting the prof.   So, to add to my list of self-improvements, I shall strive to get over my lateness complex.

10:39 am
He is going out of town this weekend, to UC Santa Barbara with one of my best friends, but I cannot pretend that I am devestated by this.   I will be glad to have lots of sleep and study time.   I would love to have gone with them, but the notice was too short for me to miss work and I would feel like I was intruding on boy's weekend.   Also, I know the amount of drinking that will be involved this weekend and I would prefer to avoid that.   I always feel responsible for watching out for people, because I am sober.   Yet another one of my needless worries.

4:56 pm
Yesterday I arrived home from classes completely wiped out and needed the menial activity of painting my nails to reset my brain power.   Today I will need a similar sort of activity (I am most pleased with the translucent mother-of-pearl shine on my surprisingly long nails) as I have been scanning art history slides for four hours.   TGIF!

_________________
Thursday
19February98

12:36 pm
Someone broke into this account and did all sorts of nasty thing, so it was turned off for a brief time yesterday.   Of all of the accounts on this system (about 100), mine was used the most.   How do these things happen?   I am a little irked because I arrived at work today (TA-ing) to get a note form my professor saying that he would be missing the first half of class.   I have really hurried to get here on time and I was bummed that he didn't let me know at least yesterday, that he wouldn't be here on time today.   I would have liked to have stopped and gotten some Earl Grey, since I have become largely addicted to it (though I can't seem to find any effects of the caffeine in my system).   He has also made our weekly meeting an hour and a half rather than an hour, this occuring during my two hour lunch break in which I walk home, eat, get my books, change my clothes (for dance), and walk to the meeting.   I didn't mind giving up the one hour, in which I would shower or nap, but now I cannot even eat in the middle of the day.   Something must be done.   I saw two films last night with Matthew and Joshua: Le Samouraï and Purple Noon.   Afterwards, Matthew gave me a divine massage, which was just what I needed to make it through this week.   I am looking forward to dance today now that I have my muscles all loosened up.   Other than that, my life has slipped into a routine, as it always does when the semester progresses.   Will this happen when I am in the working [shudder] world?   Will I ever be in the working world?   I think I would be great at playing Corporate America, but I am not sure how much I would enjoy it.

12:54 pm
Ah, so the whole point to my griping was that my professor never showed up, which is so rude!   He could have at least e-mailed me and let me know he wasn't coming!

5:12 pm
Well, this whole break in has become quite the fiasco.   People keep reading over my login files to figure out which ones weren't me.   Everyone seems to enjoy the project.   Dance was wonderful and I feel quite rejouvenated.   I really want to go running, but it is so cold that I fear I will make myself sick.   My body hates the constant switch from the overheated indoors to the bitting chill of the outdoors.   Tonight Josh and I are working on more computer programming.   I already did my homework for tomorrow so I am pleased about the idea of relaxing tonight.   It is so nice to have a shortened week.   I would much rather have Monday off than Friday.

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Wednesday
18February98

9:56 am
I got nearly ten hours of sleep last night, but at the expense of having three horrible dreams (I suppose they were nightmares).   They encompassed all of my fears: First I dreamt I was fired from my job and the woman who fired me (who was actually my dean in high school) attempted to humiliate me in front of my coworkers.   Then I dreamt that I was late for class and I was lost (driving).   I didn't have my security pass and I couldn't find my way home.   Lastly I dreapt that men were trying to break into my house.   One of them succeeded and was trying to rape me.   I hate bad dreams.   They ruin the effect of a good night's sleep.   I must be being punished for taking a night off of sleeping with him.

1:59 pm
My teacher paused in her lecture and said, "I am having a conundrum as to whether to start in on the topic or let you go."   After a brief time of chanting "Let us go!" from the students we got out of class ten minutes early.   This I love because I get to take a bathroom break before making my way to my film noir class.   Today I even found time to check my e-mail!   Tonight I have a production meeting for stagecraft and then I am going to catch the noir double feature rather than doing my homework.   Doesn't that sound divine?!?

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Tuesday
17February98

11:24 am
Wish I didn't have to come to school today.   I loved having a three day weekend!

6:01 pm
My long day of classes will be done in an hour.   Today is my one day without meetings and I cannot wait to go home, shower, and get some sleep.   Class calls . . .

7:14 pm
Going home had its allures, but I was drawn to the computer center to finish up a few little projects.   It feels good to be productive, though I was also on Saturday.   I cannot believe that my weekend got better as it progressed.   I had such a marvelous time!   Now I intend to go home and feed my chips and salsa craving.   Perhaps I will even do some of my laundry.   To be truthful, I will probably contribute to my sleep deprivation by going to spend the evening with Him.   As of late I have been rather ecstatic in terms of my relationship with him.   I am still in disbelief in having found someone who is willing to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him.   He warned me from the start that he did not like to be alone, but I never thought that it would be like this.   We are practically living together, a stage which I have never before reached in a relationship.

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Monday
16February98
President's Day

12:58 pm
I am glad to not have to venture to school on this wet day.   I am stuffed to the gills with vegan pancakes and about to settle down to do some of my film noir homework.   We have a slew of reading weekly and we are supposed to write five pages worth of journal a week.   Needless to say, I need to flesh out some of my previous entries before I get down to business on this week's writing.

2:21 pm
I am working on being a master procrastinator today.   My noir journal sits in one of the windows on the screen, but the possability of reviewing my previous grades on the web is much more alluring.   I am listening to Ella and Louie and my belly is still stuffed from the pancakes I ate earlier, but I am going to try to ingest an orange.

10:31 pm
I saw the most beautiful rainbow today when I was going to market.   More spectacular than any rainbow to me is the way the sky looks when it is raining but the sun is shining.   Such conditions have quite a disorienting effect.   I got some really yummy organic apples!   We made a most divine dinner of pasta, bread in garlic olive oil, and wine.   Let me say that, hypothetically speaking, if I were to have been able to buy wine without getting carded, I would be very happy!

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Sunday
15February98

12:23 am
I am listening to Irish music and finishing up the six hours of computer work that I did today.   Yes, I know that it is Valentine's Day, but I got tired of wathing Him play Toom Raider, and rather than asking him to stop, I decided to be productive.   It feels good to have cleaned my plate of one of its myriad projects.   We had Mexican for dinner, since I was having a major craving for chips and salsa and he thought a margarita would sit well with him.   Now I am ready to drift into the world of dreams and rest my eyes.

10:18 am
I am a bit bitter.   Two of His three housemates are out of town, so at four am the only one remaining decided to have a little party and turn up His high-end surround sound system (which resides in the living room) to an obscene level.   I really would have liked one night of uninterrupted sleep.   I have work in a few hours, which I am not especially looking forward to.   Such is life.

3:42 pm
I am finishing up my third hour here at work and I a more than ready to go home.   Not one person has showed up to use the facility, but thankfully He came to work with me and we have been discussing all sorts of computer related materials.   I have been looking for links to me on the web.   I suppose that is a rather egotistical activity, but I am curious as to what people say about me and where links turn up.

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Saturday
14February98
Valentine's Day

11:51 am
Pardon me while I eat my electronic words.   He joined me at work yesterday, as we had planned, and we left together.   On the way to my place we stopped by the flower shop which I live next to and he handed the owner money while she produced a massive, stunning bouquet of flowers.   I was stunned.   For all the times He told me he doesn't buy flowers, I really believed him.   They were beautiful, containing tulips, cala lilies, peruvian lilies, stargazer lilies (one of my all time favorites), greber daisies, irises, and a rose.   Amongst the greens were sprigs of eucalyptus, which I love for its smell and because it reminds me of my home in the mountains.   The most amazing thing about being with him, which I only realized yesterday, is that he has made me remember what I thought a relationship would be like before I had a few.   I used to think it was simple: you have two people who make each other happy and so they spend a lot of time together.   Quite often though, it has not been like that for me.   Everything seems to get too complex.   But with Him, it is that simple.

2:14 pm
There is a behind the scenes look at Sphere on TV right now and one to the writers just said that one of the key compnents to suspense is isolation.   Why are people afraid to be alone?   I love being by myself.   Why do so many people not recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely?

_________________
Friday
13February98
Friday the Thirteenth

9:43 am
My friend Amber, whom I have know since first grade, just sent me a long e-mail about the amazing man that she is dating who drove from LA to Pasadena to leave a red rose and sappy letter on her car when she was having a stressful day.   Ok, so maybe if I wasn't a bit jealous I would have said sweet rather than sappy.   I have never dated a cheezy romantic guy, and I would like to have the opportunity to decide if I like it.   I love flowers, and could go for for some words of encouragement when I need them.   i love letters, especially when they are hand-written.   Not to complain about my man -- he is very sweet and exceedingly patient with me -- but I know there are no bouquets in my future; he is just not that kind of guy.   He is still the kindest man I have dated tus far.   I am blessed such that each man has been a vast improvement over the last (can you tell how bottom of the barrel my first was?) and I have learned important life lessons from all of them (though often these lessons involve what not to put up with in the future).

I spend the night at His place last night, against my better judgement, since I have been so sleep deprived lately.   I am convinced that a three day weekend is just what the doctor ordered.   We set the alarm for 7:30 since I had work at nine and it takes him an hour to wake up.   His clock is also fifteen minutes fast, a fact which I never cease to forget when I am there.   So he snoozes the alarm when it first goes off and then he turns it off when it again sounds.   Normally I am up for good once the alarm goes off, but I was so tired and we were snuggled up so tightly that I fell right back asleep.   Suddenly I sat bolt upright in bed and looked at the clock: 8:40, and he lives ten minutes from campus (by car).   I said, "Sweety, you need to drive me to work right now."   It turned out I had time to spare since his clock is fast, but we popped out of bed and into our clothes and made our way out to the car.   My poor baby was so sleepy, having missed his requisite hour of laying around and groaning and stretching and trying to go back to sleep (which it is my duty to prevent).   Strangely enough, this morning was exemplarary of the phenomenon by which I never sleep through anything.   I always wake up at the last possible minute to make it to wherever I am going.   I almost never set my alarm because I figure that if I oversleep, then it was more important for me to get my sleep then to go to class.   But I never over sleep.   I also cannot fall asleep in class, but I mostly attribute that feat to a subconscious fear of drooling.

He skips class all the time, which I find disappointing, because I know it adversely affects his performance in school which in turn lowers his self-esteem.   I NEVER skip class; I figure I am paying to be here, so I should get my money's worth.   I am also never late to class, because I consider it to be a huge disrespect to the teacher.   Plus, I like to sit in the front row in the middle (this is mostly because I am nearsighted and I don't like to wear my glasses, but also because teachers like it).   Even in a two hundered person lecture, the professor always knows my name by the second week.   I like to be involved and ask questions; that is the only way I can make school interesting for myself.

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Thursday
12February98

12:57 pm
I dragged Matthew to two Marilyn Monroe pictures last night.   I just love her sex appeal.   She is just so unashamed.   If I may quote Bound, I hate women who apologize for wanting sex.   I had a great time and ate Indian Naan bread during the first flick and bananas throughout the second.   I like to be eating all the time and when I bring food to class I often eat it just for the act of eating and not because I am hungry.   I don't think I have an unhealthy relationship to food, but anything is possible.   When I was in high school I hated to eat; I found eating to be a waste of time.   I would rather be reading or some such activity.   But now I see food as one of life's greatest pleasures.   I have respect for food preparation and I firmly believe that you are what you eat.

I will grant that being a vegan limits what I can eat, but said change in lifestyle has also served to open me up to many new possibilities.   I am definitley willing to try new things.

_________________
Wednesday
11February98

9:24 am
I am still feeling bad about being late for my meeting at work.   I cannot stand the feeling in the pit of my belly when I know I have messed up.   Also, on two occasions I have left the heater on high when I have gone out.   Cindy is not very pleased with me.   Being forgetful is one of my least favorite traits.   It only comes about when I am distracted or sleep deprived.   I took an evening off from Him last night and got in bed quite early.   I had to lay there for over an hour before I fell asleep, but I got nine hours and woke up exactly one minute before my alarm was to go off.   I need a few more nights like that I will be back to my old self.

Last night I made another batch of salsa.   Rather than spending an hour chopping, I decided to use the food processor.   I have no skill with the food processor.   I pulverized my salsa.   It is now salsa slime, but it still tastes nummy!

10:01 am
My major decision is whether I should go see Citizen Kane -- considered by many to be the greatest film of all time, but which I have seen many, many times -- or Foxy Brown -- a classic Blaxploitation film which I am sure will be an absolute riot.   Decisions, decisions . . .   I am glad to be able to see more films this semester.   I really missed out last year.

1:59 pm
I cannot wait for this day to be over.   It is not going so well and I cannot afford to start messing up this early in the semester.   I misread one of the questions on my Astro homework and wound up with a 68.   Yuck!   And the most ridiculous thing is that I feel bad about it.

5:47 pm
Just went to a staff meeting.   They give out gift certificates for good work each month.   I got one last semester, which I considered a great honor because I had only been working a month.   Well, I got another one today, which has put me in a better mood.   It was in appreciation for putting up with the disastrous walk-in classes last week.   Glad to know someone cares.

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Tuesday
10February98

7:37 pm
The problem with liking your boss is that you actually feel bad if you do something wrong.   So now I am harboring a good amount of guilt for being late to my meeting on Monday.   I am chilling in the CAP office after hours with Greg, Josh, and Eric.   They are educating me as to the fact that one does not get picked up on at Goth clubs.   I am not twenty-one, so I don't usually have occasion to go to clubs.   I have certainly never been to a Goth club.   I do not believe I have ever even heard Goth music.

I feel more than a touch sleep deprived and I would love to go home and fall fast asleep.   I tried taking a nap today, but I didn't really get enough sleep.   I believe a half-hour to be the ideal nap time.   But I have finished all of my salsa and I would love to make another batch.   I am amazed that so many people go through life without ever cooking.   The tragedy of it all!

I was just reviewing what the difference between a hyperbola and a parabola is.   I forgot the difference the other day and it has been bugging me for a while.   Today I got me first lesson in LISP programming from Matthew.   Anyone who tries to teach me anything with regards to computers has to have a lot of patience to deal with my constant interruptions to ask questions.   Matthew is very patient with me.   We are now listening to The Nightmare before Christmas soundtrack.   I really loved Blacks and Jews, which I saw last night.   I was so fascinated by it, and the ensuing discussion that arrose in the theater afterward, that I can home and chewed Cindy's ear off for an hour about it.   My conversation with her later moved into the nature of relationships and all sorts of other topics and we both had a good mindwalk.

Quote of the month:
"A custom loathsome to the eyes, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain and dangerous to the lungs."

_________________
Monday
9February98

10:41 am
I don't feel so hot right now.   Actually, I feel like I've been crying all morning, which I haven't.   I just have this vague feeling of something being wrong.   I have misplaced my appointment book, so I'm at a loss for what meetings I have to go to this week.   I am not even sure of my work schedule.   I did remember my meeting this morning, but I arrived a few minutes late and the woman had already taken off.   She didn't wait around at all.   I found this ironic since I had a meeting yesterday, and I waited twenty-five minutes for a girl who never showed up.   I then called her and she still hasn't returned that call.   I am getting major flake vibes from her and I don't really feel like interacting with someone who is so rude.

12:24 pm
I think I am figuring out why I am not up to par today.   I think I am probably sleep deprived from my evenings with Him.   We like to watch movies and he has trouble waking up in the morning so we have to set the alarm for an hour before He actually wants to get out of bed.   It is a compromise I am willing to make because I like waking up next to him, but I am definitely missing a few hours of sleep every time I am over there.

After stopping by three of the places I work, I was able to locate my missing schedule, which is quite a relief.   I am now going to run home and grab some lunch before I head off to class from 1-5.   Tonight I am going to see a documentary called Blacks and Jews.   Creative title, huh?

1:57 pm
We got out of class a few minutes early so I popped in to check my e-mail.   Now I have film noir and hopefully we will be watching a wonderful movie.   I even remembered to bring food to class so I wouldn't get too hungry.   I have to shiny green pears wrapped lovingly in paper towels waiting for me in my book bag.   I am looking forward to Valentine's Day just for the novelty of it because I have never been dating anyone over v-day before.   I have always enjoyed wandering around on the 14th wishing everyone a happy VD.

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Sunday
8February98

1:19 pm
I came into work today to find a rather desperate e-mail from a woman from Denmark.   She is writing an essay on MOOs.   She had some specific questions and she wanted to know if I had any topic ideas for her essay.   I, of course, did.   I gave her all sorts of MOO Resources and suggested several text-based online web-specific art works that she could use for her Global Electronic Journalism class.

Last night Cindy and I took one of our monster grocery shopping trips.   I thought that six bags would be enough to house our food (that is how many I brought with us to the store) but we ended up needing eight.   Once we got home, I set about to make salsa.   I had never made homemade salsa before.   My recipe was: four roma tomatoes, one green bell pepper, half a white onion, cilantro, and half a jalapeño pepper -- all finely diced.   Topped with some salt and allowed to stew overnight in my fridge, this combo is amazing!   I like making my own salsa because I can make it exactly as spicy as I want, and I know that all of the ingredients are fresh.   Cindy made her humus and then we had a little chip fest before I left to spend the night at His place.

I just stumbled across CREW -- Compact for Responsive Electronic Writing.   Their concept, if I understand it correctly, is that as a signatory you should be willing to add a link to someone else's page if they request it.   It could actually be a nice idea if it caught on, but I don't see that happening.   The only place where such an idea really seems to work is in the system of Webrings.

2:36
I was just reading old e-mail to and from Matthew.   I found a reference that I made to something being as interesting as a piece of lint.   I laughed out loud here in the computer center.   Sometimes I am really nuts.   There is only one client here and I have been working for more than an hour and a half.   I am starting to get cold.   I can feel the raw onions and garlic from my salsa doing a little dance in my tummy.

3:12 pm
Now my hands are getting too cold to type.   I don't think it would be helpful for me to put on my gloves.   Then I really wouldn't be able to type.   Less than an hour till I leave.   I told my man I would watch a movie with him tonight (he's feeling a bit under the weather) and I will hopefully get some homework done first.

10:03 pm
Glad to be indoors as it has been raining all week.   My film teacher said, "How do you like this noir weather we've been having. Unfortunately, crime is down."   I am always impressed by teachers that can make their classes laugh.   I am logged in from His computer.   We are supposed to be doing homework, and I am actually using his computer for that purpose.   He, on the other hand, is upstairs watching his housemate play Final Fantasy on His Sony PlayStation.   I have drank an obscene amount of earl grey tea today.   Cindy has been struck by the worst case of procrastination I have ever seen in her.   When I got back from work today she had taken apart her brass lamp and was polishing each part individually.   She even washed out her incense burner.   I told her that I wouldn't consider her really bad until she began dusting the leaves of her plants.   This is one of my favorite procrastination activities.   When I mentioned it, she said she was just about to start on it.   Cindy is stalling because she has a paper to write.   Today she declared that essays are worse than finals.   I found that amusing due to the sheer volume of writing that I do.

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Saturday
7February98

2:54 pm
Today has been a bit hectic.   As a senior consultant (which I was promoted to this semester), I am required to facilitate one day of walk-in classes.   I thought I would be very bright and get it out of the way early.   So today was my day to facilitate four classes.   One of the duties of facilitating is that if a teacher does not sign up, you have to teach.   Only one person signed up, so I was going to have to teach for four and a half hours straight.   Not only that, but half of the documentation was missing and the overhead was not working.   It was slightly disastrous, but thankfully several of my fellow consultants came to the rescue.

As for last night, He and I had a tiff two nights in a row.   In the afternoon, we sorted most everything out and we were being disgustingly sweet to one another.   Last night, I didn't want to go out, but I had promised Aurora that we would go to her party, so Matthew and I made our way to her place.   We had a blast (I love to dance!) and then we decided to take off.   We walked outside, and as we stood there, we watched someone in a 60's Mustang smash into Matthew's car (which was parked across the street).   As it happened (the person was clearly drunk, since they side swiped into the car continually instead of pulling away), he said, "Is that my car?"   I answered yes in disbelief, and he took off down the street to try to get the license plate number.   I have NEVER seen anyone run so fast.   But the Mustang was hightailing it out of there, so Matthew couldn't catch up.   He ran back to the car and we jumped in to try to chase the hit and run perpetrator, but too much time had passed and the neighborhood was a mess of windy streets.   We could not locate the assailant.   We called the police, then went back to Aurora's party to see if anyone knew who the Mustang belonged to.   No one did.   We pulled up right next to where the accident had occurred.   Matthew got out to look at the damage.   The woodlike paneling had been torn from the door.   He picked it up and in his anger he smashed it to the ground.   I was a bit startled by his show of pure rage (a side of him which I will try to refrain from seeing again).   It scared me, but it also fascinated me.   He said he was disgusted by how much he wanted to beat up the person who had done the hit and run.   I understood that drive.   I guess I am pretty glad that we didn't find the Mustang driver.

5:06 pm
Well, classes are finally done and I should be getting out of here soon.   I was just reading old e-mails from Him and getting nostalgic.   Cindy and I are going grocery shopping tonight.   Food, food, food!

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Friday
6February98

9:28 am
A bit of explaining about the way relationships work nowadays.   This is not to say the it always works this way, but I have had to explain this to my mother a bzillion times, so I thought I would offer this up to the rest of the non-twenty-something crowd.   There is a wonderful (take note of my sarcasm) system by which people can date today (and sleep together) but not have a committed relationship.   People have notions about what it means to have an officially committed relationship and what it means to officially be boyfriend and girlfriend.   As such, I have a total of one official boyfriend in my lifetime.   It has never really bothered me to not state the obvious (namely, that we were together).   I have always believed that one does not go shopping if one has what (s)he needs at home.   I was perfectly fine to say that I won't make someone make a commitment to me, we would just do our own thing and hopefully we would wind up only wanting to be with each other.   Sam was the only guy I would have liked to have been my boyfriend, but shortly after he brought up the subject, he found out that he was leaving Berkeley and going back to Chicago.   So be it.

So I have been fine being non-committal with Him.   I don't worry that he will be with someone else.   It isn't especially feasable due to the sheer volume of time that we spend together.   I asked him to tell me if he was with someone else and he promised to do so, a promise which I believe in.   But I think [I cannot believe I am going to admit to this; I appologize in advance for sounding exceedingly self-centered] I want him to value me so much that he is afraid of loosing me and wants me to be his girlfriend so that he has a guarantee that I'll stick around.   I should point out that this entire ramble has been spurned by the fact that he and I had a lengthy discussion on the topic last night.

10:01 am
Basil has recommended Discovery Online's Someone In Time mysteries.   I am sure I could spend a lot of time there trying to solve the riddles.   I enjoy puzzles for the mind.

2:51 pm
Just finished a rather lengthy meeting with one of my bosses.   I was getting updates for what new projects I am working on.   He is by far the best boss I have ever had.   He said he knows we won't be happy unless we are working on projects we are interested in, so we are supposed to tell him our specific interests.   I cannot believe I get paid to do this!

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Thursday
5February98

11:43 am
Paul and I had a magnificent dinner last night.   I was blown away by the new project he's working on and he was kind enough to give me a copy of his Campanile Movie.   I found his new project to be so applicable to what I want to do in terms of visual effects for film.   I never cease to be blown away by the capabilities of the human eye.   Sometimes, as I walk through campus, I make my eyes dart around and marvel at the ability of my eyes to instantaneously focus onto different planes.   Eyes are the perfect cameras.

Last night I went to His house, against my better judgement, since I was very tired to begin with.   Before I left, I had a requisite talk with Cindy.   I wanted to make sure that she didn't think it was because of her that I am never around.   After that, we went to His place.   We hung in the Jaccuzi with a couple of his frat brothers and then I apparently said something which pissed him off because his mood took a dive.   After ignoring me for about ten minutes (we were out of the water by then) I asked if I had pissed him off.   He said yes and then said that he wouldn't tell me what he had said becuase he needed to get over himself.   I understood where he was coming from, but I couldn't have him tell me that I had upset him and not tell me what I had said.   That makes me second guess everything and sort of kills my confidence in myself.   I believe myself to be enjoyable to be around, and he was making me question that belief.   I told what was unacceptable to me and let it go.   This is one of the lessons that he is helping me to learn.

1:16 pm
Today I have dance, which I am looking forward to, since the rain has prevented me from jogging all week.   I feel so much better when I actually get out there and move.   My body thanks me.   Tonight I am making diner with Aurora, whom I haven't seen in about two months.   She was my best friend at berkeley, and I miss having her in my life.   Now I think Matthew is my best friend.   I call him first to tell news about my life.   Of course, that is usually after I have published it here.   The web is funny like that.

1:24 pm
I cannot keep my mouth from gaping open.   I just got an e-mail from a frined of mine who said that she spent last night discussing buying a house with her boyfriend of a few months (I think it is since September).   I guess I always think of long term futures when I am dating someone, but I know that most of the men [and especially the boys] don't, and I can't imagine one letting me be so open about my hopes for the two of us.   Well, I am exceedingly happy for her that she can begin building so many hopes and dreams with him.   I suppose I would be a bit jealous, but I am way to pleased for her.   Let's just say I have empathetic happiness.   Can one have empathy for positive emotions?

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Wednesday
4February98

6:17 pm
I worked for two hours this morning at one job (making web pages), and I'm working for two hours now (consulting).   Afterward, Paul will come and rescue me.   I met him last semester at an art lecture, and we love to discuss computer animations and graphic design.   He has worked on some amazing stuff.

When He took me to work this morning, he said he was going to do schoolwork at a cafe next door.   I told him that if he was still there at eleven I would walk to school with him.   As work drew to a close, all I could do was think about him.   I floated next door, high on the idea of seeing him.   When I walked into the cafe, I didn't spot him right away.   This led to a brief doubt, which was assuaged by his shining face.   He couldn't believe how happy I was.   I couldn't either.   I brought him an apple and we walked to our respective classes holding hands, with him munching away.

I am having great difficulties scheduling all of the things that I need to.   I am supposed to be doing production work for my Stagecraft class, but everywhere I go, I am redirected to another person in another office.   I have been trying to make plans with Josh for forever, and we finally agreed on a date one week from tomorrow.   There are a ton of films I want to see, especially ones which are relevant to my classes.   And of course, I was to make as much time as possible available to him.   He has horrible study habits, so I have to remind myself to spend some time on my own, becuase my productivity is so lessened when I am with him.   He is a wonderful distraction.

6:48 pm
Back in LA when I was in high school, I used to read a free weekly magazine called the L.A. Reader.   Most people read L.A. Weekly, but since the Reader was quite a bit less popular, it had more free rein to be subversive.   Anyway, I really loved one article, called The Straight Dope.   I always found out the most interesting things.   The author answers different random questions, whatever the topic.   This evening I managed to locate The Straight Dope Website and I had a bit of fun perusing the articles.   This is definitely one to come back to.   Why IS a raven like a writing desk?

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Tuesday
3February98

10:56 am
The prof for the class I TA is out of town today, so he left me to teach the class.   I told the class that they could play on their computers for an hour and then I would teach them how to build animated gifs.   I am preparing to do that now.

11:57 am
Well, that went a lot smoother than my Photoshop lesson last Thursday.   The problem is that half the class gets it right away and half the class thinks I am going way too fast.   I never know who to teach to, though I assume that it is best to teach to the low end of the class since the computer savvy people are going to get bored no matter what I do.   We have to take consultant development classes for work and I have the hardest time concentrating.   My mind wants to wander and the computer is filled with so many wonderful toys to play with.

12:59 pm
Class has come to an end.   I will march home in the rain and try to scrounge up something for lunch.   Hopefully I can get some reading done too.   Seems like my routine is kicking in, though I still feel a lack of permanence in my schedule.   I wonder why that is.

Many people have that ONE thing that will just make them melt if their significant other does/has it.   My ex E. had a thing for girls who could do the rubik cube and my friend Rachel from summer camp went for men with nice shoes.   In the film Singles, one of the women just wants a man who will say, "bless you," when she sneezes.   All I ever wanted is a man who would call me from work (or wherever) and say, "I'm too busy to talk but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you."   Well, I got home from teaching today to find a message which said, "I know you won't get this till later, but I just wanted you to know that you are missed and loved."   I was a little pool of goo on the floor.   He doesn't even know what he did.   He doesn't even know that he did my ONE thing.   Time for me to go home to an evening of servitude.   He is in for some major worship tonight!

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Monday
2February98

10:24 am
Ah, my first week of office hours.   Of course, the class hasn't been notified about this, so I'm getting an hour of alone time.

When we arrived at His place last night we walked in on two of his housemates discussing the specifics of why computers can't think.   I jumped right into the middle of the query and the conversation moved to the nature of language, semiotics and semantics.   I like a good stretch of the mind.   We discussed Deeper Blue, the chess playing computer.   Josh was discounting it's ability to win at chess because it was programmed by many brilliant people.   I said that a chess player is also coached by teachers; (s)he reads books and studies other games.   I said you couldn't dismiss Beethoven's brilliance because someone taught him music.   This morning We made home fries with Josh and Josh and I discusses the order of magnitude of base pairs in a chromosome.   Fascinating stuff.

12:38 pm
In my Astro class this morning, two annoying people sat next to me and talked the whole time.   Small noises drive me nuts (rattling cars, air conditioning systems, computer processor fans, air ionizors) but this was horrible.   They mumbled well above a whisper but a bit to low for easy eavesdropping.   I could barely hear the teacher.   I went home and reheated some pasta for lunch.   If you have old pasta and sauce, you can throw it in a frying pan for a few minutes and give it new life.   I just decided that I really need rain boots.   I don't know why I don't have them.   I certainly don't care about looking silly.   I wonder where I could buy some.   I suppose this will be another project for next weekend.   I have jazz stuck in my head, specifically Ella singing Everything I Got.   I am now going to go set up my hours for stage craft.   I will most likely be working in the scene shop.   I hope I get to paint; I enjoy it!

12:47 pm
For some reason I don't want to go.   I just want to sit here and fiddle, though I have nothing constructive to do.   I am not fond of this feeling.   I need to get motivated.

7:46 pm
I got scheduled to work till ten tonight, and I hope it will be the last time.   The skies have been pouring an obscene amount of rain on Berkeley all day.   I love umbrellas.   I want to know who inverted the portable personal roof that we all take for granted.   Matthew (who is 6'2) says that umbrellas only work for short people.   I don't know if this is true, but if it is, I take it as further evidence that short people rule.

He told me that I make him a better person, which I take as an extraordinary compliment.   We have been spending a ridiculous amount of time together, with no end in sight.

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Sunday
1February98

3:38 pm
A long lazy Sunday at work.   The skies have been dumping their contents onto this fair city, so I was glad to stay in bed all morning.   I have put an afghan which belong to my grandmother on my bed, which bring the blanket total on my bed to five.   I am cold all the time and I consider myself to be roughing it to not have an electric blanket here in Berkeley.   He came into work today, and since my duties are rather slim today (it is very slow), He is a warmly welcomed distraction.

4:29 pm
Work is dragging because my tummy is empty and it is screaming at me.   I actually have more schoolwork this semester than the previous one, but I have less hours of class and of work a week so I am managing to stay afloat.   I am trying to decide how many activities I can commit to without being too overloaded.

4:49 pm
I bought a pair of 9 lb weights because I got tired of references to my tiny stick arms (I have smaller wrists than most anyone I know).   I intend to make some excuse for biceps appear on my arms before the semester is out.   I also have been jogging; I hope to be a bit more toned.