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Tuesday
31March98

9:48 am
I had a very pleasant meeting with one of my bosses this morning, and though the skies are dumping rain, I am anticipating a pleasant day.   I have a bit of web work to do, but first I must finish my proposal for my documentary film.   I am making it about Cindy.

11:23 am
I ran to the office on the off chance that He might be here.   He isn't, but just thinking about him has warmed my day.   I have never been so mushy about anybody before and it feels wonderful!

2:46 pm
I am having the most bizarre experience.   I am not finding my good grades to be at all satisfying.   Perhaps I have realized that in the grand scheme, they do not matter.   Or perhaps I yearn something more, which schoolwork is not providing me with.   I am actually excited about the idea of a summer for my mind.   I hope to do a lot of research, reading, and writing.   Perhaps I will stumble across a topic for my senior honors thesis, which I intend to write.   Something about postmodernism, sci-fi, computers, cyborgs, and cinema -- all rolled into one!

Adam just sent me the sweetest e-mail and my afternoon is made!   Plus, I get to have dinner with my man when I get home from class at seven.

10:29 pm
Somehow I wound up at his place even though I told him last night that I wouldn't spend the night tonight.   I think he is bribing me with his computer.   I am about to jump into bed and let him stay up studying for his midterm tomorrow.   I took him out to dinner and we went into the bookstore and browsed for much too long (I found twenty books I wanted to buy, but at his suggestion, I only got one this time).   I got back my documentary paper, which I think I did well on (judging by the comments) even though it carried no grade.   I cannot really figure out why the teacher did not give us grades on this assignment.   I am looking forward to work in the morning, as I have done consulting in nearly two weeks.

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Monday
30March98

9:19 am
I woke at six this morning only to fall back to sleep and have a nightmare.   Such is life.   I turned in my Stagecraft project and now I need to polish my film noir journal.

6:22 pm
I dragged my bum to the computer center for a web meeting only to find that three quarters of the group did not show up.   But my day is bright.   I managed to pull an A on my film noir midterm and a 100% on my Astro midterm.   That gives me some satisfaction for my hard work.   There is nothing like working hard and still not doing well.   I will be having dinner with my man this evening and hopefully we can pretend to still be on vacation for a few hours.

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Sunday
29March98

9:57 pm
Coming home was uneventful.   Berkeley is warmer than LA!   He wasn't in a very good mood for the drive and I rightly guessed that his mood was due to a lack of enthusiasm about spring break being over.   Both of us had work that we didn't get done and that seemed to additionally dampen his spirits.   We got everything unpacked and I found that my roommate had cleaned everything.   It was the same for me last year; I would clean whenever my roommate went out of town.   For some reason I always feel guilty whenever Cindy cleans.   I feel like I should have done more, or something like that.   And I know she only does it to procrastinate.   Needless to say, it was really nice to come home to a sparkly clean apartment.   I was going to do work this evening but I am exhausted and after my shower I will be more than ready for bed.

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Saturday
28March98

5:38 pm
Adam just dropped me back home from a wonderful afternoon.   After arriving in his new jeep [black, very nice, suits him well] he took me to lunch at Wolfgang Puck's and then to see Wild Things.   The movie was surprisingly excellent (my brother recommended well) and the lunch conversation was even better.   Everything just flows so smoothly with Adam that it is such a pleasure to occupy the same room as him.

This morning I went on a magnificent hike with Alexandra and Jenny and I have the muddy shoes to prove it.   Though it was rather brisk and very windy, once we got underway everything was stunning.   The wildflowers were blooming everywhere and thus the green hills were splotched with glorious yellow and purple patches.

Tonight I am going to His little sister's dance concert.   Then I will be spending the night at his place so we can get an early start tomorrow.   Once back in Berkeley I will be doing a spot of schoolwork.   I am so glad I cleaned my room before I left.   I have something so lovely and inviting to come home to!

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Friday
27March98

10:51 pm
We never did make it to the new Getty.   We woke up too late and our yummy dinner interfered with hitting the late night lull.   But the day was perfect.   We cuddled and lazed around and watched Dukes of Hazard and other such nonsense.   When we finally left my mom's house in the evening, I was exhausted from a day of loafing, but I found time to visit Rebecca before crawling in bed.   Though he and I parted at 8 pm, he still asked me to call him before I went to sleep and thus I stayed up an extra hour and a half on the phone with him.   We are so silly.   I explained to him that if he were the first guy I had dated I would probably go mad with his closeness -- I would find him to clingy.   But because I have been with other guys, I really appreciate him wanting to spend so much time with me and making me such a huge part of his life.

I have had to curb a major urge to buy more plants, for there is no room for them in my humble abode.   I saw the most beautiful hanging plants, but I know they will wait for my return.   Ah but I do love those green friends of mine.

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Thursday
26March98

11:34 am
I was online at seven this morning but I wrote what I believe to be a good article and now I can relax.   I feel very good for sticking up for myself to my boss (I feel that I was putting up with way too much crap) and now that the air is cleared between us I assume things will settle down a bit.   My mom is going out of town today and I am having a private dinner with Him this evening at her house.   She had a total spaz about the idea and wrote a long set of instructions that included checking to make sure the heat and stove are off -- twice.   It isn't as though I have been living on my own for three years.   When will she learn to accept that idea?

8:04 pm
We did not make it to the Getty today as they were closed to general access by the time we got out of the house.   Apparently, the architects constructed it with very few bathrooms, so the capacity is very limited.   Of course that makes entrance much more desirable, and would be a brilliant marketing technique.   If we wake at a decent hour we will go tomorrow morning.   I am going to hop in the shower and make dinner for my baby.   He has been so good to me today (as always).

_________________
Wednesday
25March98

10:22 pm
I went to the gym today and completely fatigued myself.   While shopping later my bloodsugar dropped and I nearly fainted.   I did get my brother some nice clothes though.   I will relax more tomorrow.   I have a deadline in the morning and then I will be able to enjoy a leisurely trip to the museum.   I am going to check out the new Getty, and I am especially looking forward to the sculpture garden.   I am spending this evening at my mother's and am watching The Relic with my brother.   I feel completely drained and cannot muster the energy to do any of my schoolwork.   I suppose I will be waking up early tomorrow.

_________________
Tuesday
24March98

9:42 pm
I spent the day at my mom's and skipped the gym.   I have amazed myself with my capacity to watch movies on TV today (there is a reason I do not have cable at school).   I still don't like most of what is on television.   The day was lovely but a storm has just rolled in and it is supposed to rain all day tomorrow.   I was so enjoying the sun.   I am very pale and so the sun is a stranger to me most of the time.   But hey, I'm on vacation (or at least I am supposed to be).   I actually have quite a hefty chunk of schoolwork to plow through but I am confident in my ability to manage everything.   I am a master juggler.

_________________
Monday
23March98

10:11 pm
I went to the gym again this morning.   I will probably go close to everyday this week.   I might as well take advantage of the pass.   And there is so much to do there.   They have a sauna and a steam room (we had a little discussion about the virtues of each and everyone decide the steam room was better).   The jacuzzi is nice after a hard workout and they actually have airconditioning.   I like the stationary bikes and the machines that combine running and biking and skiing into one mega-exercise.   It was amusing to be there this morning and to listen to the women on the stationary bikes talking in the cell phones about hat they would wear this evening.   "I'm not going to the awards but I'm going to the afterparty."   I have never seen so many fake breasts in one room.   They stick straight out of the confines of leotards and sports bras.   [My brother thinks "leotard" is a funny word.]   I think people are such a hoot sometimes!

_________________
Sunday
22March98

11:36 pm
He wanted to meet his little sister's boyfriend so the four of us went bowling last night.   On a good night I break 70.   The first game I got 86 and the second I got 64, so I think I did swell.   I had a lovely time but I was pretty tired. I wanted to spend the night with him, but I had to come home so I could be here in the morning to go out with my mum.   This morning I got woken up early to go see Primary Colors with my mom.   It was decent -- meaning it was entertaining.   Afterwards I drove to century city to go to my dad's gym with him and my brother.   My dad got me a week membership.   I am already addicted.   I really enjoyed its four floors and I was amused by all of the trendy Los Angelinos.   This city never ceases to surprise me when I come home.

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Saturday
21March98

7:51 pm
Los Angeles has opened her arms and welcomed me.   Summer seems to be approaching on overdrive down here.   The days are warm and full of sun and every mountain is in bloom.   The camellias and lupines and daisies are springing up from every crack.   I am so happy to be on vacation.   I have quite a bit of schoolwork to get to but I am pleased to once again be amongst my family.   I feel good for having stood up for myself to my employer and I am delighted to be such a pleasure to my family.   I am going out with Him on a double date with his little sister.   Silly as it may sound, I have never been on a double date before.   It should be a fun evening at any rate.

_________________
Friday
20March98

5:44 pm
I am officially on spring break and that is such a relief.   We probably won't leave for LA for another two hours.   I was highly offended by an e-mail I received from my boss and I spent a half-hour composing a reply.   Since I cannot hold onto my anger at all I had to reply immediately, while I still felt the rage in my belly.   I feel that I have put up with too much disrespect and lack of appreciation.   One should never work in such conditions.   I spent the day doing schoolwork, from the moment I woke up until 5 pm.   I skipped lunch to work (something which I never do) and I had to take a break to eat at four, when I began getting dizzy and feeling faint.   Now I am doing fine and my tummy ache has subsided (I knew it was due to stress).   I am now going to go home and clean so that I have a beautiful apartment to come back to.   I also have to water all my plants so that I have living flora to return to.   My Phalenopsis Orchids are about to bloom for the first time.   They will be beautiful.   I got the plant in Hawai'i in 1995 when it was only three inches tall.

_________________
Thursday
19March98

11:24 am
The tummy ache I have had since yesterday morning might be deciding to subside, which would be lovely.   My wonderful man brought over Chinese food yesterday so we got to eat in.   He is so good to me.   This morning he sat me in his lap and asked, "Are you mine?"   I have never felt so small and so important at the same time.

12:11 pm
I just made my first Quicktime VR Panorama.   It was truly a thrilling experience, and I will teach the class to make them after Spring Break.

12:52 pm
Time to head home and the leftover Chinese is calling me.   I am really looking forward to dance this afternoon, and to Spring Break in two days!

7:16 pm
Ok, now this is pure procrastinating.   This time tomorrow I will be pleased as punch.   I was fuming during a meeting today and need to figure out how to address my concerns in a calm and constructive way.   I will be spending the evening finishing up (hopefully) my nine page noir midterm.

8:12 pm
I was just looking for info on Lucky Luciano and I stumbled across his grave on the Find a Grave site.   And I thought I was morbid!   That is definitely up there on my list of weird sites on the web.

10:39 pm
I am starting to burn out and, though I have not done as much as I would have like to, I am beginning to seriously think about heading home.   I need some sleep.   The earlier I go to bed, the earlier I can wake up and start working again.   My finger nails are seriously long and I would take a picture and scan it but my Polaroid camera is broken.   i wonder if I could just scan my hand.   It can't be good for me, but I might try it sometime.

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Wednesday
18March98

10:53 am
Yesterday in Documentary we watched My America... or Honk if You Love Buddha and Aka Don Bonus -- both autobiographical documentaries.   We had a discussion as to why Don Bonus's film seemed so "real".   Someone called into question Don's testimony, and someone else mentioned how knowing this material would become public would change it.   But i know the drive to reveal.   I understood why he would sit before the camera, alone in his room, and explain how he cheats, declare that he does not deserve to graduate from highschool.   My prof said that the film could be seem as a type of diary, and suddenly I was reminded of the hundreds of people who reveal their diaries here on the web.   I was reminded of me.

1:38 pm
My stagecraft midterm took 35 minutes and now I have a moment to breathe before noir.   My test went ok; I know I missed a few, so I probably got around 90%.   I am groggy.   He woke me up this morning right in the middle of a deep dream about him.   I was dreaming I was late for class, which I wasn't, and was quite relived to wake up.   But I cannot shake this sleepy feeling.   I hate having unpleasant dreams, for I awake feeling unrested.

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Tuesday
17March98
Saint Patrick's Day

11:36 am
Subject for class today: is the book dead?   We are discussing the implications of hypertext and new mediums for conveying text.   Web pages are modeled after printed text (they are called "pages" and can be "bookmarked") but offer no permanence (are always editable) and less linearity (the author has less control in guiding the reader).   In stagecraft we learned that theater is -- at it's most basic form -- the communication between the performers and the audience.   Such is true of the author and the readers of a book (or a web page).   But this medium eliminates the process of editing.

1:34 pm
Ack!   My professor continues to want more and more work done this week -- this one horrible week (clearly it will be my worst of the semester; only three more days left).   I will see how I fare on a few sleepless nights.   I went to bed last night with time to enjoy nine hours of slumber but I awoke after seven and did not enjoy another wink.   Do pity me.

_________________
Monday
16March98

11:40 am
I just had my Astro midterm and it seemed to go really well.   It only took me half of the time given.   The teacher practically told us one of the answers during the quiz ("yes, you can use a moon as an example of a planet") and the 700 or so students burst into an uproar of laughter.   I love that kind of energy.   That's why I like seeing movies in big theaters, preferably with younger (and, I hate to say this, male) crowds.

1:54 pm
I have just had Stagecraft and we had review for our midterm on Wednesday.   My teacher was nice enough to not insist that I turn in my production notebook early (it is technically due on Saturday), so I have over spring break for it.   I have two production write-ups due on Friday, as well as my Astro homework and my nior, take-home midterm (nine pages).   In between now and then I have my Stagecraft midterm (one of two) and a ton of work-work (as opposed to school-work).   I took off consulting for the week, but I still have TA stuff, art department responsibilities, and web pages to construct.   It's always something.

8:26 pm
I managed to do my shot analysis, the essay on which is 50% on my film noir midterm.   I am at the point where I don't even have time to procrastinate, and I am amazed at my own productiveness.   I have so much trouble saying no to an evening with Him, but so far we have not found a successful way of studying together -- at least not in the house.   This morning we spent several hours studying at a coffee house (he has a midterm tomorrow).   He even offered to quiz me on my materials, which was a big help.   My mom always said that the secret of her relationship with her boyfriend is that they are each other's biggest fans.   That is what he and I have become -- always supportive of each other and always looking for a way to help the other out.

10:54 pm
I have just completed a rather daunting session of web page construction.   Though I did not work on my noir essay -- as I would have liked to -- I got yet another item completed and crossed of my ever-present to do list.   I am heading home to do my Astronomy homework and float off to sleep.   I am looking forward to some peaceful dreams tonight.

_________________
Sunday
15March98

2:52 pm
I am making my way through another day of work.   I am taking off next week in order to focus on my three midterms.   I need to do a lot of reading and writing and hopefully the burnout won't hit me until I am at home enjoying my spring break.   I will be driving home to LA with Him and yesterday he asked if we could take a mini-vacation together during the week we have off.   I love the idea and am so pleased that he asked.   I will be racking my brain for good ideas until then.

9:31 pm
Though we are supposed to study together this evening, now that I have eaten I cannot seem to muster any sort of concentration.   I am willing to watch horrid movies on TV and allow my brain to move to the off position.   All I want is to cuddle and go to bed early.   He has class at 8 am, so I need to get to bed early enough to wake up at that ridiculous hour.   I don't mind rising early if I get to bed early, but if I get less than eight hours of sleep... watch out world!.

_________________
Saturday
14March98

11:43 pm
The play I was working on has finally come to a close and I couldn't even muster up the energy to attend the cast party.   We had two productions today, both of which went well, but did their part to tire me out.   I had a little tiff with Him in the morning but it was all sorted out by the this evening.   Soon we will take a dip in the jacuzzi.   He doesn't want to talk about this morning anymore and that makes me a bit uncomfortable because I would prefer a bit more closure.   I like to feel that issues have really been talked through so that we can move on and not look back, but he only wants to discuss it if he has had plenty of time to think about what he wants to say.   One good thing can out of our "serious talk": he said that he thinks we will be together for a long time.   This statement resolved most of my continuing insecurities about our relationship and I felt pretty dandy.   I thought about him all during the productions and was delighted to get to spend the night with him.

_________________
Friday
13March98
Friday the Thirteenth

10:54 am
Another day at work wasted doing menial tasks.   I intend to spend several hours in the office this afternoon accomplishing some important items on my to do list.   I may even convince my man to come with me.   We went to a party at his fraternity last night and though it was stuffy and smoky, I had a blast dancing.   I love to get on the floor and move.   Matthew and Ben were there and they sat on the couch sharing stories of punching their fists through glass.   Ben won't dance at all (well... not without a lot of help from alcohol), so I kept making my way over to the couches to give him a hug.   I stayed up too late, but who cares?   Today is Friday, and sleep deprivation is common amongst college students.

10:54 pm
Cindy says she feels ill and Matthew is acting bizarre.   I have decided that everyone is suffering from some craziness caused by it being Friday the Thirteenth and a full moon.

_________________
Thursday
12March98

1:03 pm
I went to a recruting session for Apple yesterday.   I had a jolly good time people watching.   I think I was the only non-computer science major there.   The recruiters' eyes got wide when I said I was a Film Sutdies major.   Afterwards, I took him to a dance performance -- Alvin Ailey.   He has the most wonderful use of color I have ever seen on stage.   It reminds me of the original Silk Stockings show on HBO.   I have to write about the production for my Stagecraft class.   Yet another piece of homework to pump out before I head home next week.

_________________
Wednesday
11March98

10:59 am
I am going to have to ask for an extension on one of my three midterms for next week because with the play and everything I will not be able to get it done.   Wish me luck.

4:39 pm
I, thankfully, got my extension.   When I first asked my teacher he said a flat no.   But I was prepared with my schedule in hand, and I persisted until he gave me two days extra.   Hopefully that will be enough.   I am quite stubborn when I set my mind to something.   I really do have a ton to get done in the next week.   I am hoping to keep my spirits up, and my dear sweet man said he is only here to make me happy.   We are so in love.   Ah, this is the first time in my life I have been able to say that.   I have loved men who did not return it and I have been loved by those I was not attracted to.   For a short time I was convinced that if a man liked me I could not find him attractive.   But as I watch His feelings for me grow stronger each day, I know what happiness is.   He makes my heart smile.

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Tuesday
10March98

11:47 am
I know I am busy when I cannot find five minutes to write in my diary.   My Documentary essay is finished and I like it (which is usually a bad sign grade-wise).   My man is in the office with me and he is looking cute!   We have been discussing the web and publishing threads (series of links) in my art class.

1:32 pm
I am just about to make a title page and print up my documentary essay.   The play I am working on closes on Saturday, so soon I will be calmer and have more play time.   Why are computer monitors wide horizontally?   Why don't people make monitors vertically elongated, like a sheet of paper.   One of the earliest computers (the Alto, which was developed at Xerox PARC) had a monitor that was 8.5x11, which makes a lot of sense to me.   Text documents are vertically aligned (except in BBEdit).   Web pages are also vertically aligned, so why not screens?

11:28 pm
Adam says that screens are horizontally aligned due to television.   Why would TV have such an profound influence on computers?   Will your television become your computer or will your computer become your television (ok, so you can already do this)?   Lots of money is going into developing products to answer that question.

_________________
Monday
9March98

8:31 am
The crunch has really hit me.   I am finishing up an essay and trying to juggle about ten other things.   Does this get easier at some point?   I feel like I am waiting for a time that may never come.   That isn't really true.   The whole benefit to school over the workplace is that it ends every semester or quarter or trimester.   No matter how bad it gets, you know that everything is finite.   You could be working on an endless project at work.   Of course, with an occupation you can always quit and go somewhere else.

1:41 pm
My day is a bit brighter.   I got out of my stagecraft class a half hour early and I have a decent rough draft of my essay.   I am filled with warm thoughts thinking of the man I love.   I walk around campus wearing a goofy grin and having yummy dreams of Him.   I am even wearing one of his t-shirts (he gave it to me because it was too small on him; I love hand-me-downs!)   Being exceptionally small, as well as younger than everyone else in my grade, I have always gotten all of my friends' leftover clothing.   I love clothing with a story -- articles which have been passed from many hands.

_________________
Sunday
8March98

12:19 pm
Yesterday was a bit busier than I would have liked it to be, but things went well.   I taught a beginning HTML class which went marvelously.   I got magnificent evaluations -- my best so far -- so I feel like I am definitely improving at teaching.   My supervisor even commented on it.   After teaching I made myself some stirfry and trotted off to the theatre to usher a production of A Raisin in the Sun.   It had the most unique use of space and boundary I have ever seen.   My favorite scene occurred when Bo-bo reached into the home and pulled a chair into a side set of a bar and sat on it.   He smoothly shattered the space of the house with one gesture.   I returned home past my bedtime with a headache and slowly drifted off to sleep.   This morning I stayed in bed longer than I should have and when I finally made it to the computer center I ended up doing work rather than the essay I need to type up.   It is a sad form of procrastination when one does one's homework from one class in order to have an excuse to avoid doing work for another class; I am pathetic!   Everyone knows what I will be doing tonight!

_________________
Saturday
7March98

2:31 pm
My friend Adam in my Documentary class came over last night and watched Brother's Keeper with me.   I am currently writing an essay on this film.   I am exploring the filmmaker subject relationship with regards to the main character's mental illness.   I am the only person in the class who asked to do a film outside of one we have watched in class.   I seem to always ask to do things differently, but I am sure the teacher enjoys a break in the monotony and I am pleased because I get to cover topics I want to.   This is my first essay of the semester, and in the following week I have another one along with two midterms.   I am very much looking forward to spring break.   Adam and I went grocery shopping before watching the film and we ran into Matthew, who was supposed to have left to go skiing five hours earlier.   It was quite bizarre.   I was a bit baffled as to how to act.   I love running into people in unexpected places.   Adam and I expected to rent a second film but I was totally zonked out after the first one.   I think I was so tired because I went jogging yesterday.   I also did my weights for my arms (my little nine pounders).   My body thanked me but my mind refused to function any further.

_________________
Friday
6March98

9:24 am
Back in the office trying to finish things up.   Every day there is something new to take care of.   It is almost as if projects divide and multiply like so many microscopic organisms.   In a half hour I have to go teach.   I am really enjoying that experience.   It has taught me a lot about how I relate to people [and hopefully I am improving].

12:54 pm
Some guy just came into class and asked if he could join.   He hopes to graduate this semester.   I am shocked.   We are nearly two months into school.   Does he really expect to pull that off?   I am surprised my professor didn't just laugh at him.   I nearly did.

6:46 pm
I finally finished the art history site I was working on.   I love completing a project!   I did a good job so I am very satisfied.   Now I just want to go home and relax.   I cannot seem to get the tension out of my shoulders.   It was gone during dance today, which was wonderful, but then it came back.   I intend to dance quite a bit more next semester, since I will have one less job and hopefully less classes (who am I kidding?   I love to be busy!).   I love feeling my strength and endurance increase over time.   I need to run more.

_________________
Thursday
5March98

7:23 pm
I was getting very frustrated with the play I am working on.   The set is minimal, so my workload from the start was less than I had expected.   There were no flats to be constructed, nor structures to be built.   I was beginning to feel very unwanted.   The culminating experience occurred when I arrived at the set yesterday.   The stage manager approached me and said that they did not need me to be there.   I was glad to get to go home early, but I was not pleased to have no useful role in the production.

Tonight I was a bit unhappy when I arrived at the theatre [I will explain below].   I was sure I was going to begin crying when greeted by so many pairs of eyes which read, "Why are you here?" Instead I was met with pleasant greetings and smiles all around.   As I sat on the floor waiting for the run-through to begin, the director came up to me and asked how I was and if there was anything he could do for me.   It was everything I could manage to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor.   I was given a role in the running technical crew.   Suddenly I had some sort of importance -- I cannot gleam from whence it came.

As to being upset, I burst into tears over diner with Him.   I am sleep-deprived and stressed and He upset me.   We have quarreled only three or four times in as many months, and each time He says that I must tell Him earlier if things upset me and not let them build up.   So I tried.   All I said was that it makes me feel bad when he makes fun of me in front of others.   I have told him before that it bothers me and I readily admit to being oversensitive when it comes to this issue.   I am very self-conscious about how his friends perceive me.   I have already explained all of this to Him.   I have dated men who were much older than me and as such I have dated men who were embarrassed by my age (the fact that I act and look so youthful).   I now refuse to date men who are ashamed of me.

_________________
Wednesday
4March98

10:47 am
I managed to reduce my e-mails from well over fifty to under a dozen.   And it has taken forever.   That has been my task of the morning.   It seems so trite...

5:53 pm
I feel like I am building up to some high pressure.   The next two weeks will contain a bit of stress for me.   But I am hoping to get everything under control, but I have essays and midterms and all sorts of good stuff.   I am beginning to understand why some people prefer work to school.   I am ready to graduate now!   I am frustrated by this feeling of antsiness.   I want to move, but I do not think that a new apartment would cure what ails me.   I am dissatisfied with something I cannot put my finger on, which is the worst kind of discomfort (in my humble opinion).   My opinion is all I have.   I can try to be open to the ideas of others (and I do) but in the end, my thoughts are what I have to contend with when I lay in bed at night.

_________________
Tuesday
3March98

9:59 am
I am about to run off to class.   Glad to have my happy server back online.   The avalanche of e-mail I attacked today was horrid.   It will take another hour for me to answer everything.

11:43 pm
Every time we have a break in class I am the only person to get up and leave.   What are the other students doing?   Surely one of them has to go to the bathroom after an hour and a half.   I feel silly being the TA and being the only one to leave.   Such a small problem, yet I wonder about it every week.

2:09 pm
So I realized that they wait until I leave to wander around and be out of the classroom.   I have been working on the Dutch Art website and now I am more than ready for lunch.   I have to go to rehearsals for the play for which I am doing set design every day this week, so I am out of the house until ten.   I am underslept and unfed and I am doing my best not to get crabby.   I am a worse student this semester than I have ever been before, and I am mad at myself for it.

4:57 pm
We discussed symbolic language in my art class today and I was reminded of how much I enjoyed making up my own languages when I was younger.   My best friend in Junior High (Katie R.) and I had our own sign language that we used for years.   It had no verbs in it.   We would always greet each other by asking, "How you?"

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Monday
2March98

10:49 pm
Sometimes I feel exceptionally silly in detailing my life as a student.   I think of the adults "in the real world" who read this and find my complaints to be so trivial.   I should feel honored that my biggest worry is how I will manage three midterms in as many days.   My situation could be so much worse; I take so much for granted.   Don't people from all walks of life do that?   I think the better off you are (in terms of basic needs for life functioning) the more bizarre and complex your problems become.   If your main worry is how you are going to feed your children, you don't have time to develop a complex, high-level mental disorder.   But if you are a successful lawyer juggling you career, home, and family, then you have more opportunities to have a breakdown and develop a split personality, or some such problem.   I wonder what the actual link is between mental disorders and social class.   That would make an excellent senior thesis.   (Here I am again, demonstrating how enclosed I am in this college world I live in.   I am aware of other existences, but it is hard to always acknowledge them, since those lifestyles are so far from me.)

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Sunday
1March98

8:16 pm
To continue my previous discussion on why I feel that sharing experiences depowers them I turn to the film Six Degrees of Separation, which I love.   In the final scene of the film, someone asks the main female character why the interaction she had means so much to her.   She says that it was an experience and she does not know how to preserve it as such, because talking about it turns it into an anecdote.   That is sometimes how I feel about my experiences.   To share the really good ones allows them to become stories, rather than powerful emotion impacts on my life.   Somehow I think I feel that if my experiences are not of great value (as adventures or as learning experiences) then I am wasting my time of living.   Life is so short and precious and I want to hold onto the moments to keep with me.   Fond memories keep me warm on rainy days.   They are food for my soul and they put the spring in my step.   My mother isn't like this at all.   She remembers little of the past and is always pleased to let old memories go.   She tells me I should be like this, but I am not sure she is right -- sometimes it feels good to hold on.