Begin at the Bottom
_________________
Wednesday
23December98
9:15 pm
I am sitting here with my sister Rebecca.
She says I have to spend a day teaching her the internet.
She just flew in from Florida. For the first time ever, someone
else will write in my diary. Here are Rebecca's own words, typed by
her:
Hi everybody. Well Rachel kinda introduced me, so I really have no idea what to say. Well I guess I might as well start with the topic Rachel told me to write about. How I feel about being back in Los Angeles. Well since I lived here for 10 years, it's pretty familiar. I see all my old hangouts, and I feel at home, but a little bit out of place. I miss my old friends, and being able to walk to the mall, and just living here. I moved because my mom got remarried, so it's hard for me to look back at my move as a good decision. I also just miss the feeling of being in a big city, and feeling the rush of life. Altogether city life rules! Well my dad says I'm writing to much, so I'm giving it back to Rachel. I might write tomorrow. See you!
I didn't tell her to write about that, I merely suggested it when she said she didn't know what to write about. I am glad to have her in town, even if I only get to see her for a day. I know I tease her too much, but I love having a kid in the house. What am I saying? She'll be 13 in January. So much for childhood...
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Tuesday
22December98
8:18 am
I contradicted something I [used to] strongly believe in the other day.
Now I don't know what to think. I used to say that though
didn't really matter -- meaning your motivation was simply
inconsequential and that action reigned supreme. Then I was
listening to this horrid hip hop song about a woman who is having sex with
a man who has a girlfriend. She is so proud of herself, of paging
him while he is with his girlfriend and knowing he will be with her
tonight. It made me angry. Now, as we all should know by
now, Rachel has an issue with cheating. So I started whining about
the song and my boyfriend changed the station. But I had to clarify
that it wasn't the actual cheating that bugged me, it was her smug,
unappologetic attitude. Take Me and Mrs. Jones. That
song is amazing romantic, but the singer is guilt-striken and says that
can't help themselves from having an affair. I grew up with my mom
telling me how romantic that song was (ironic, no?). The difference
to me, between the two songs, is attitude; the action is the same.
So now what do I believe? Can intent weight as heavily as action?
Much more pondering has to be done, and I'd rather go read one of
the two compilations of erotic literature I bought yeasterday (the other
two books were sci-fi short stories by William Gibson and a novel by F.
Scott Fitzgerald).
_________________
Monday
21December98
Eighth Day of Hanukkah
6:49 pm
So I fell asleep at six last night, and thus woke up at six this morning.
Needless to say, my timing is a little off, and I will be switching
time zones on Thursday. I have been all cheery about the holiday
season, but shopping can really bring you down; people are rude -- pushing
and shoving and fighting for parking spaces. I ate The Loves of
Fustinya for breakfast, and then picked up four more goodies at Super
Crown. I love buying presents for myself because I always get
exactly what I want. My mum and I are going to see the Picasso
exhibit at Lacma tomorrow. Funny thing is, neither of us like
Picasso, but my mom says "It's a must see!" and I like to humor
her whenever I can stand it.
My great aunt is contesting my grandmother's will, and thus is engrossed in a lawsuit with my father. She refused to speak to me when I called to ask family tree questions. People are so stupid about money. It is so easy to come by and so hard to hold on to....
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Sunday
20December98
Seventh Day of Hanukkah
10:16 am
I slowly slink into old habits. I return to the place of my
childhood. I find myself curled up reading in front of the heater;
all of highschool passes before me in the blink of an eye.
I wanted to go out dancing last night. I made a vain attempt to call around. Colleen's line was busy; Rebecca wasn't home; Adam was going to a movie with his girlfriend. I entertained vague notions of going out by myself, meeting some fine specimen of masculinity and going home with him to share his bed. But no, I have my boyfriend, and we've been strong for more than a year, and I want to see if I can be faithful. May I have the strength. I haven't ever entertained the thought of cheating before, but there was something about last night -- some primal urge to get out of the house. [The network is down at Berkeley to test some aspect of the power supply, so I am writing this offline, and knowing that it will not be read today. I didn't write yesterday for the same reason.] Something about being here in LA slips me back into the ephemeral notions of romance I entertained when I was 16. Last night I wanted to be possesed and revealed (and revelled) in a way which isn't humanly possible -- something only words can express -- something one would read in a novel.
Just as I was begining to despair that I would make it out of the house (how can I miss a weekend of celebrating when I've only just turned 21? I was supposed to go to a party Friday night, but instead I took a nap from 7:30-10:30 pm), when my father arrived home. His date, Tammy, had cancelled for the evening and now he would have to attend a dinner party by himself. Rachel to the rescue. The party was a blast, and my dad was a riot on the dance floor. The DJ thought we were husband an wife. We sat at the head table, with the president of the company. I like to hobnob; I always got along better with adults than with people my own age...
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Friday
18December98
Fifth Day of Hanukkah
10:29 am
Going to see a movie with my mum. I love vacation!
3:03 pm
It was appropriate for me to check my mail before I went to see You've
Got Mail. The movie was cute, as was to be expected. I
remember predicting a movie about an e-mail relationship when I was in
highschool, and I remember thinking it would be hard to depict e-mail
conversations in an interesting way.
I interrupt to much, and I have been trying to work on that. It is especially frustrating to know you do something which you wish to change (such as saying "like" too often), but not being able to change that right away. Here I try to go about admitting to my flaws, but somehow they seem different than a self-improvement project like weight loss, which one knows takes a long time.
Yesterday I talked to an old friend and learned that my first romance, whom I met off of AOL, got married (for about three months). He never was very good with women.
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Thursday
17December98
Fourth Day of Hanukkah
12:55 pm
I am home, and I am glad to be so. My mom got out pictures of last
years xmas, including a gorgeous shot of the tree. She informed me
that she's not getting a tree this year. So I suggested that we
hang the photo of the tree on the wall, and put the gifts under it.
Unconventional idea, but my mom loved it. Maybe I have started a
new holiday tradition.
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Wednesday
16December98
Third Day of Hanukkah
11:25 am
I'm done, and in a few hours I will be on the road to LA. So I
didn't get enough sleep. So I almost completely lost it. I'm
done. I feel icky, but I know I will calm soon (as soon as my Earl
Grey caffeine high wears off) and someday I may even return to normalcy...
That was a joke boys and girls. Boy, am I loopy (as Cindy would say).
3:03 pm
We are about to actually get on the road, after doing a few errands.
I am starting to calm down, though I am most displeased about the
B+ I got on my second Film Theory essay. Why do I care so much
about grades? Besides which, I got an A- on my first essay and an
A+ on my midterm, so I should be ok. I am looking forward to a few
weeks where I won't have to think about school (who am I kidding?).
_________________
Tuesday
15December98
Second Day of Hanukkah
7:06 pm
I am in finals hell. I had a killer one, then I had a business
meeting. It is just one punch after another...
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Monday
14December98
First Day of Hanukkah
12:27 pm
As of noon He is done for the semester, but my work is all ahead of me.
I have a final on Tuesday and one on Wednesday, and I have a 15
page paper in HTML due on Tuesday. Oh well.
My grandpa (mom's dad) says he has no interest in the family tree.
He said if I go back far enough they're all crooks and prostitutes.
I found that so amusing, since it isn't true (one generation back
from him goes to Austria-Hungary, and no one knows a thing about that).
I suppose he means other branches of the tree and such, but he must
have referred to the relatives as crooks at least three times. Such
silliness! I have to trot off home for lunch and then I will be
doing website testing at 2.
_________________
13December98
Hanukkah Begins At Sundown
2:12 pm
I recently joined the On Display webring and I
just learned that we have mandatory collaborations. Actually, it
seems to me that there is nothing collaborative about the project.
We simply have to write on an assigned topic
every month. December's topic is aging.
I have thought quite a bit about aging lately, having turned 21 exactly one week ago. It is difficult for me to explain to people why I was so excited. I was tired of having to ring up the alcohol seperately when we went to Safeway so that my boyfriend could pay for it, especially when I wanted to buy him a bottle of scotch as a gift (McCallan's is his fav). My boyfriend hasn't been carded since he was 19 and my roommate had her older sister's id. I never had a fake id, and I started school early, so I have always been younger than everyone around me. I also looked exceptionally young. I was tired of going out with a bunch of people and then having to make an excuse to go home when they headed off to a bar. No more.
I still look young; I even occasionally get carded going to an R rated movie (no one believes me until they are there when it happens). But this is sort of off the topic for what I wanted to say about aging. I have been waiting to be 21 for a long time, and now I would be happy to stay this age forever. The topic of aging conjurs several ideas in my mind, the most vivid of which was my thoughts on being 16 when I was in elementary school. As I am sure I have mentioned before (though I have no idea when), I used to think 16 was oh so old. I would lie in bed and thein about how I would have a sweet 16 party, get my driver's license on my birthday, and go to prom. When I was 16, I would know I was old. As chance would have it, none of those three things would happen. I go tmy license the week before I went to college (several months shy of 18), I didn't go to Junior/Senior prom as a Junior (when I was 16 [though I did make it when I was 17, and I still love to wear my fire-engine-red prom dress when I go dancing]), and my bday passed without notice to everyone. Such is life.
The point being that we set expectations for what it will be like to be older and rarely are we close to the mark. When I was in highschool, and 16 was rapidly approaching, and not looking very promissing, I turned my eyes to 23. I somehow got it in my head that 23 would be my age (which remains to be seen). I figured I'd probably be out of school and working -- which I have no idea if that will be accurate -- and that my acne which I have had since I was 12 would have settled (thankfully it already has, thanks to the pill). I will have my life in a routine, I won't be growing (possibly a pund or two a year, but I [thankfully] have never had a problem with my weight, so I don't really care [the growing reference was to my height]). My fantasy is that when I'm 23 I will have some sort of direction, but I am begining to realize that people never do get one. You may think you have a better handle on life (I have thought that many times) but life will throw you a curve ball if you begin feeling too comfortable.
Anyway, to put 23 behind me, or rather in front of me, I have this to say on aging: My dad always says that old is 10 years older than you are (so if you are 20, 30 is old, and if you are 30, 40 is old). I hold this saying to be true, and one's definition of old will always shift as one reaches it. I shouldn't say always, for we recently asked my grandpa (my father's father) if he felt old. My dad has asked him this many times before, and at long last he says that he does feel old. He is 82 and said that he began feeling old at 78. That seems like something to look forward.
As an afterthought, I would like to say that I always felt different, and have no idea if everyone actually felt exactly as I did. I was under the firm impression that I was somehow special, and that time would be kind to me. I really believed I would be one of those unbelievably few who have few or no wrinkles and look about two decades younger than they are. Needless to say, smile and worry lines have already made their impressions on my face, and I have no doubt that the rest of the signs of old age will come at the appropriate time (though I do dread the first liver spot).
3:04 pm
In looking for an appropriate link for "liver spot" (which,
incidentally, I didn't find, because I am not big fan of elective surgery
and don't wish to imply that I am planning on having my liver spots
removed), I came across a page which describes a
contest to pick which 10 celebrities will die this year. I am
slightly disturbed, and not at all amused by it. Why are people so cruel? I understand
that people have to make light of death because they are afraid of it
(humor is my defense mechanism of choice), but this page is rather
insensitive in my opinion.
In other news, I never did have that chat with Cindy (my roommate) about her being rude. She must have taken my criticism to heart though, because she has been exceptionally polite and considerate the past two days. I hope it lasts forever!
3:14 pm
I just received an e-mail from a friend,
who warned me not to abuse substances as he did. I am pretty
confident in saying that I won't. I strive to be a social drinker
(silly as that sounds, I admit that it is true [I just had two very
satisfying sneezes]), but am fairly certain that I will never be into
illegal drugs. I recently revealed to Cindy my plan that if I ever want to try marijuana, my first time would be with my children. She
laughed at me.
_________________
Saturday
12December98
10:31 am
Going to lunch in the city with my mum, so no time to write.
_________________
Friday
11December98
12:13 pm
My roommate Cindy has been exceptionally
rude of late, and this morning I finally told her so, much to her
surprise. I simply said that I did not wish to listen to her tell
me how I was misbehaving, and that we could discuss it this weekend if she
would like. I cannot speak to her about our problem without getting
a huge adrenaline rush, and this morning was no exception. My heart
was pounding so fiercly -- a reaction I wish I could quell. Anyway,
I am sure there will be a huge argument ensuing, when I finally confront
her. I have let this build up much too long.
Other than that disappointing news, I have a study group in a few minutes, will be having dinner with my mum in the city tonight, and got an extension on my Alife and Cinema essay. It will all be over at noon on Wednesday and I will be heading down to LA. I plan to paint the town, now that I am 21-year-old Lady.
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Thursday
10December98
12:36 pm
In one week's time I will be done with my fall semester. I am going
to go home and work on my 15 page essay due tomorrow.
4:40 pm
I contacted another family member today, Lucy, who is my great Uncle's
ex-daughter-in-law (on my mom's side). I am excited to be racking
up the family members, who now top 400 people. I really enjoy
meeting new people and having this unique connection with them. I
don't know why I enjoy it so...
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Wednesday
9December98
9:07 pm
A man stayed up until 4:30 am and read my whole diary (something I don't
think I have the guts to do). He made some rather astute
observations and then asked a question that made me toss my head back and
laugh out loud in the computer center: "Is Rachel real or an
imaginary construction by some bored CS guy at Berkeley?"
I am awake much too early, being scheduled for an 8 am shift, but I
will hopefully get a lot acomplished today, which will be very rewarding.
I am amused that I have so much more work work than school work.
2:53 pm
At the site, I also espied Venus Verticordia by DG Rossetti, which was quite
breathtaking. I have actually been struck by several web images
lately, one of which was this stained glass piece, which is from the
Mon amie Sheyna was just in the computer center and we discussed
aspects of space travel and the possabilities of growing food
hydroponically on Mars. She is part of a project to design smaller
space suits for women, and she learned from NASA that the plans are actually help by a costume designer in
Hollywood. Ah, Capitalism, we love you.
3:17 pm More interesting but trivial information: A centaur is top human,
bottom horse. A minotaur is top bull, bottom man. A gryphon
is top eagle, bottom lion. A satyr is top man, bottom goat.
4:24 pm
I just learned that a total solar eclipse will occur on August 11, 1999.
Basil sent me a beautiful Pre-Raphaelite
electronic postcard for my birthday, and picked out a most lovely
image. Below is her selection, Flaming June by Lord
Leighton: 
Electric Boats Homepage, which
I stumbled across while doing family tree research. I have no idea
why this image called to me, which I suppose makes it all the more
alluring.
Amongst my other adventures, I managed to create my own ambigram, which I am quite
proud of. Here is my artwork:
ambigram
As I said before, my favorite ambigram is Scott Kim's Infinity
Circle.
I miss horseback
riding. As for my image obsession of late,
I mean by a picture a beautiful romantic dream of something that never was, never will
be -- in a light better than any light that ever shone -- in a land no-one
can define, or remember, only desire -- and the forms divinely
beautiful.
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Tuesday
8December98
10:47 pm
I am sitting at home with the heater on. The nights have gotten so
chilly and my old apartment leaks an
unbelievable amount of cold air. I never finished documenting my
birthday activities. I will avoid describing staying up till 7 am
Sunday morning on a caffeine high and then only getting three and a half
hours of sleep. Needless to say, I was not going full steam Sunday
evening, when I went with a dozen friends to The
Old Speghetti Factory in Jack
London Square. I ordered a strawberry daquerri and the waiter
brought me a virgin one. Many of the people at the table chastised
him, explaining that it needed rum, so he took it away and brought it back
with some rum in it. After dinner, I was determined to enjoy a free
drink at several bars, since they will serve you one on your birthday, so
I set off to Henry's with Him and Ben (my boyfriend and my
ex-boyfriend). They got their drinks and I ordered a Sloe Screw.
In reading my bartending book at home before we left I had learned
that Sloe Gin isn't gin at all, but is a liqueur made from Sloe berries.
I had a lovely chat with the bartender, Red Sonja, and she gave me a
bottle opener / keychain. She then realized that she had charged
Him for my drink, which we all said was fine. But then the boys
were taking forever to finish their drinks, so I asked her if she could
give me a little something to sip on while I waited for them to finish.
She gave me Frangelico on the rocks, and it was such a yummy hazelnut
dessert flavor. We then headed for Blake's, and this time
I didn't make the mistake of sitting between the two boys while they
discussed the possability of replication and other calculus and physics
based un-birthdayish topics. I told a man at the bar that it was my
birthday and he bought me a drink, another Sloe Screw. I discussed
with our bartender Micha (who, in his Scottish accent, told us it was
pronounced "Meeka", but was a biblical name) the difference between a Sloe Screw, a Sloe
Comfortable Screw [with Southern Comfort], and a Sloe Screw Against a Hard
Wall [has some other liqueur added]. You can, of course, also have
a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against a Hard Wall too. Anyway, Micha was
great, and even danced with me. I asked him if it was bad to think
I was beautiful, and he said no. He of course thought I meant
outter beauty, and I didn't have the coherency to tell him what I really
meant. He fed his concoction "Car Bomb" to my companions
(my treat) and I talked him into giving me a free drink, even though that
guy had already bought me one. I told Micha, as I had Red Sonja, to
make me something he though I would like, that didn't taste too much like
alcohol. He asked if I wanted something I would like or something
that would destroy me, so I reitterated. I wound up with a Maui
Wowie, which I didn't particularly like the strong coconut taste of, but
drank anyway. Needless to say, I was very drunk as I made my way
home. My boyfriend took such good care of me on my birthday
weekend, and I really had a memorable blast!
_________________
Monday
7December98
12:38 pm
I had a wonderful celebratory weekend, and am happy to be of legal age for
alcoholic libation consumption. Saturday night was spent at The Sound Factory.
No one has thus far hastled me about my expired driver's licence (I
lost my newer one), which was my one apprehension about the evening.
I brought my birth certificate with me just in case. Anyway,
I had a blast there. The bouncer at the door gave me a free drink
ticket for my birthday. We daced a bit and headed to the bar.
I was with four people: my roommate
Cindy, Aubie, my boyfriend, and Tom, my boyfriend's roommate.
Tom bought us all a round of Brain Hemorrhages and I
was polite enough to drink it rather than complaining that it wasn't vegan (Irish Cream).
1:33 pm
At The Sound
Factory there are three dance floors: a salsa room, a house room, and
the VIP lounge with dance hits. When I heard this, I told Ben that
I wanted to go to the VIP room. He said I might have trouble
getting in, so of course I wanted to go even more. My boyfriend
also said I might have trouble getting in, so when we arrived I was
determined to seek it out. After a Sloe Screw I made my way upstairs. I asked the bouncer at the
door to the lounge, "What's in there?" and he replied, "You
are." Needless to say, I was quite pleased with myself.
And the drinks were cheaper in there! Anyway, I talked to the
doorman, whose name was Moses. I asked him if he had any ettiquette
advice for me. He said to wear my hair down and not talk too load,
so I did. He also gave me three drink tickets. Go Moses!
Well, I have to run to a final review for my Anthro exam, so I will get to Sunday evening later...
_________________
Sunday
6December98
My 21st Birthday!!!
_________________
Saturday
5December98
4:02 pm
I can think of no profound words to spill as I spend my last few hours as
a 20-year-old.
_________________
Friday
4December98
Last day of classes for the semester
3:45 pm
I just had my last fall semester class of my undergraduate career.
I am pleased that the semester is drawing to an end. I will be 21
in two days and I am very much looking forward to a late night party
tomorrow night...
_________________
Thursday
3December98
12:50 pm
My Anthro class is cancelled for today, so i snuck into the conputer
center to do a
little genealogical research. I am now unsure if it is spelled
geneology or genealogy. Such is life...
7:58 pm
I planned on writing a lengthy entry this morning, but I got rather ill
and had to go home. I thought I was going to faint. I think
my blood sugar level dropped quite low.
8:34 pm
I am now searching the Social Security
Death Index and I must say I am quite curious to see who had my name
before me.
_________________
Wednesday
2December98
6:27 pm
We just had a technical test and I aced it. Now I am going out to
dinner. Last Wednesday of the semester and I will be 21 oh so
soon!
_________________
Sunday
1December98
10:00 am
The countdown begins....