Begin at the Bottom

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Sunday
31January99

5:19 pm
This is one of the longest shifts I have ever had: 5 hours and 15 mins.   I have been updating my moo list and taking care of my myriad e-mails.   There was a bit of an emergency closing down one of the facilities, but it seems to have been settled now.

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Saturday
30January99

3:03 pm
My first day working in the facilities this semester.   He succesfully fought off my roommates flu, but now I think I am coming down with it.

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Friday
29January99

11:14 pm
This no-classes-on-Fridays thing rocks.   I spent the evening playing pool with Him and our boss.

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Thursday
28January99

8:53 am
I have my first assignment due today.   Cindy (my roommate) is being really rude to me, and I am not willing to be peacemaker, so I am avoiding her to avoid a fight.   She fights with everyone: every boss she has ever had, several of her professors, her best friends, her sisters, etc.   I knew my time would come.

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Wednesday
27January99

10:42 am
I came into the computer center to print some letters so that I could get them in the mail to my family members, but no, it couldn't be that easy.   I have the most damaged floppy disk I have ever seen, and though I am sitting here with stamped, addressed envelopes, I cannot recover even one of my letters.   Time to head off to work.

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Tuesday
26January99

9:25 am
I am back in the MacLab, for my digital video class.   My Salt Lake City trip was great.   Everyone at the airport was going to Sundance, and I had a good time chatting with people.   My mom and brother arrived at the airport about an hour before me and took care of the rental car.   They were waiting for me at the gate; we hopped in the car and drove straight to the restaurant, arriving 15 mins. before my grandfather.   Dinner was at a steak joint called The Outback, and Crocodile Dundee references were flying left and right.   I had a dinner salad and french fries.   We went back to my grandfather's place after dinner.   He was very surprised and delighted that we were all there.   He looked quite old and he was using a cane; also, my uncle said he had lost 30 pounds in the past 2 months.   Everyone we a bit worried.   The next day he looked much better, and we spent many hours with him after getting back from the Family History Library.   I found the 1920 census, listing my grandfather as 11 months old.

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Monday
25January99

9:11 am
I had an excellent weekend in Utah.   I spent a lot of time with my fam, went out drinking with my uncles, and got to visit the Family History Library, the largest genealogical library in the world.   That was my first adventure into looking for original documents, and I struct jackpot finding my great-grandfather and his whole family in the 1920 census.   I love reasearch!

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Friday
22January99

9:35 am
I had totally failed to realize that I am going to Utah in January, so I will have to pack some toasty warm clothes.   Sundance should be there (Salt Lake City) this weekend.   Adventures are amiss.

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Thursday
21January99

7:21 pm
In typical mood swing flavor, I am rather elated right now.   I just had a wonderful class on Time.   This is the most unstructured and blatently creative class I have had in my entire career at this school.   What a pleasure!

Ah, I see that I just accidentally erased all of today's previous entries.   They were pissy anyway.   I spent an hour making family trees for my trip to Utah this weekend (for my grandfather's surprise 80th b-day).

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Wednesday
20January99

11:39 am
I am in the middle of a bit of a crisis.   I am trying to enroll in classes, make sure I can graduate, and try to work out my dance minor.   In addition, I am getting bugged about work, tough I told them I could have it done no sooner than next week.   I can't wait for another two weeks to go by, and for everything to be settled.

12:54 pm
I am heading home for lunch with my best friend on the planet, who has just returned from a semester abroad.

11:36 pm
I have been pretty stressed out all day.   My lunch with Roar was wonderful; it was so good to see her after all this time.   Actually, it was like we had never been apart.

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Saturday
16January99

At 12:20 I was taking a break from watching movies to watching my boyfirend clean his room.   We have been in school for one week.

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Friday
15January99

11:29 am
I just went to a promotional interview for which I have about a 1% chance of getting the job.   I went for the experience -- to see what questions they asked -- but unfortunately I still got nerveous.   At noon I am interviewing for a film class which I expect to get into.   I am very excited.   This semester I will be taking filmmaking and digital filmmaking, as well as writing a thesis.   I will be using the three day weekend to clean my room.   Classes start on Tuesday.

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Thursday
14January99

2:09 pm
We are getting a late start at leaving, but He doesn't mind driving after dark, so it really doesn't matter (His car is a stick, so I never drive it).   My period was two weeks late.   I wasn't worried because I figured my hormones were all screwey from going off the pill.   Anyway, I got my period this morning.   I knew He had been a little worried I was pregnant.   So now that there was no worry, I made Him discuss an accidental pregnancy with me.   I felt it was the responsible thing to do.

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Wednesday
13January99

4:43 pm
I see this whole genealogy thing as one of many obsessions that I take to from time to time.   There was crocheting, my succulents, and cooking comes and goes.   I hope this interest sticks around a long time.   I really like the mystery aspect of it.

I had a sort of identity crisis last night, which I'm sure was not my last.   My boyfriend thinks it has to do with me graduating, but it actually has more to do with him.   It was brought about by some photos from Thanksgiving; the were very different than how I percieve myself.   I was thinking, "Do I really look like that?"

Then I began thinking about the way people percieve me, and how I percieve myself.   I realized that a huge part of my identity was wrapped up in my realtionship with men.   I was a flirt, or as one friend called me, a man eater.   I realized that in having a boyfriend this long I am no longer sure of who I am I.   It is difficult to not know what one thinks of oneself.

I was trying to imagine if I could ever get back together with David, my now married first romance.   i talked to him, but he said he couldn't see me if he couldn't be with me.   So we didn't see each other.   If I was single, I don't know what I would have done.   I can't talk about him with any of my friends because they all dissapprove too strongly.   I don't know why I'm drawn to him after all this time; it may be curiosity more than anything else.   I think that I know that we could never be together again.   He wants sex, and I want respect, appreciation, and -- most importantly -- trust.

5:09 pm
My overly self-reflexive drivel was interrupted by an e-mail from Josh, one of my co-workers.   I had to let him know that I was homesick for his friendship; we were very close for a while.   I am really trying to be a better person and a better friend.   I am trying to understand what makes me so unpalitable to some people.   I am even considering asking my boss why I was looked over for promotion.   I know that reason; my head supervisor loved me, the other two didn't.   When the one left, I didn't have chance.   But I want to ask what makes an employee good.   What qualities do bosses look for?

I'm tired of these crises and analises.   i don't even want to pack.   I'm going to go take a long shower, and I will probably wind up in front of the boob tube.   My bro brought home an academy tape of A Simple Plan from one of his high school buds.

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Tuesday
12January99

1:35 pm
We postponed leaving tomorrow until Thursday, so I get one extra day to goof around in this city.   As usual, I didn't get to do even half of what I wanted to, but I look forward to my graduation in May as a sort of freeing of obligations.   My dad says he would flip out if he were in my shoes, having no clue what he was doing in the future.   But I am very excited.   I knew I wanted to study film before I went to Berkeley.   I have great anticipation for this period of unknown; I delight in having no clue where I will be in 5 months time.

10:25 pm
I always eat so much when I come to my mum's house, and I have no idea why.   And when I am home from school I get real slobby.   I think there is something theraputic about it.   My mom insisted that I take her car to the car wash today, so I did.   I encountered an incredable microcosm of Los Angeles on Wilshire and 23rd.   Some actor whom I recognized was there, and he was acting so self-important, insisting on a rain check because it looked foggy.   It rains an average of 14 days a year in LA.   He's overweight, and he was munching on candy; I couldn't help wondering where he will be in 5 years.   i actually laughed outloud; the situation just struck me.   I'm going to go curl up with Octavia Butler and stay up a long time.

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Monday
11January99

9:24 am
I actually went to bed at a decent hour, so here I am awake.   I'll be driving up to Berkeley in two days, and I can feel my vacation slipping through my fingers.   I haven't seen even half the people I was supposed to.   What I most enjoy about the break is getting to read for pleasure.   In Hawai'i it was F. Scott Fitzgerald, now it's Octavia Butler.

11:44 am
I was able to sneak in an hour of work this morning during my research.   After I got it done I went looking for maps.   I am even planning a road trip after graduation so I can meet all of these crazy relatives I've been electronically communicating with.

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Sunday
10January99

11:04 pm
Got in touch with researchers around the world.   Seems my maternal grandfather's line is all connected back to a city in Germany.   Every person with that last name may turn out to be related.   I am enjoying the challenge of trying to piece this together.

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Saturday
9January99

1:02 am
I am on a genealogy binge, and I cannot stop researching.   My aunt located another family member, and more of the tree was filled in.   I was very excited.   I am making pages for each name I am researching, and I am quite enjoying the project.

12:43 pm
Another morning of researching.   I even applied for a grant to do more reasearch.   At 12:20 I was pan frying some pasta.   I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before, but my great aunt is contesting my grandmother's will, which means she is involved in a lawsuit with my father, since he is the executor.   Many of my family members don't speak to each other, but I've always gotten along with everyone.   But before Christmas I called my great aunt, and said she didn't feel comfortable talking to me because of the lawsuit.   Well, a few days ago my cousin that I discovered through the internet called her.   He is her first cousin once removed (she is his second cousin).   He didn't have any luck either, but I am hopeful we will get some genealogical info soon.

5:47 pm
Finding ourselves both bereft of plans for the evening, my father and I have decided to do the dinner and a movie thing.   I'm not even sure what we are seeing...   At least I won't be sitting in front of this stupid machine!

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Friday
8January99

3:05 pm
I was mulling around, trying to decide what to do about lunch, when my brother came home from school early.   Score!   We went to The Daily Grill at Brentwood Garden.   I used to go there weekly in highschool.   After we had ordered, I saw my favorite waiter, Brian.   I had always requested to sit at his table; he was hysterical.   He has a perfect announcer voice, which I would try to immitate if this weren't a written medium.   Anyway, we were talking and our waitress came over.   Brian left and she said, " Brian is great. He's smitten right now because he's waiting on Brooke Shields."   So a few minutes later my brother signalled for Brian to come over, and in a hushed voice we asked where she was sitting.   Right behind my brother!   My bro and I had a good giggle about that.   My brother's report: she looks old.   That's from the mouth of a 17-year-old.

5:43 pm
I am now going to go see Patch Adams with Kate (an old bud from highschool) after we enjoy dessert at the Cheesecake Factory.   I love LA!

Not only did His mom teach me Pinochle, but also Canasta.   I'm all set to be a grandmother!

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Thursday
7January99

5:11 pm
Well, I have played quite a few games of pinochle of late.   I have a definate liking for the game.   I also just leared that a new branch of the family tree was discovered.   I am so excited.   I will be having sushi with my mom, her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and my roommate this evening (I won't actually be having sushi).   Then hopefully I can go dancing!

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Wednesday
6January99

I spent all day at my man's house, and even learned how to play Pinochle.

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Tuesday
5January99

9:41 am
I was reading my e-mail, and went through another digest mailing list message for On Display (a WebRing).   I read that instructions were online for our January collaborations (which, as I mentioned before, aren't collaborative.   Well, they are moving in the right diection.   This month we have two assignments:

Pick a day, any day. Write down what you are doing at 4 periods during your chosen day: 10am, 1pm, 4pm and 7pm. Be sure to mark down the date of the day you picked, and the time of each entry.

10:02 am
I was just answering e-mail on my other account.   I am finishing up a breakfast of Shredded Wheat and Cocoa Puffs with Eden Soy Extra Vanilla soy milk.   I volunteered my html and graphics design skills to two organizations: JewishGen, an extensive site on Jewish Genealogy, and CyberPeace, whose founder and president I interviewed for the reprint of my book (out this spring!).   I just got an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend.   I'm going to read it.

He said he will call me today.   I like catching up on people I have lost touch with.   There seems to be something healthy about summing up a few years of your life into a few lines in a conversation.

As for this assignment, I am home on winter break, so this is not representative of my life at school.   Also, if I was at my mother's house, instead of my father's the whole day would be different.   It is as though I live many completely seperate lives according to where I spend the night (my place, His place, etc.).

10:14 am
I have decided to do another project, personal ABCs.

A remembrance of the past,
Brought about by this project.
Can I recall all of the poetry past written?
Do those rhymes still haunt me?
Elementary school revealed haikus about caterpillars,
Fresh flowers, infinate nature themes.
Growing up took its toll:
High school's poetry was powerfully depressed.
In middle school I wrote of coming of age.
Just now I write ABCs.
Keeping up with my own
Life has proved to be a challenge.
My words sometimes won't come,
Nevertheless I try to make them every day.
Obviously, I have missed some entries.
Perharps more than I would care to admit are banal and trite.
Quiet has never been my strong suit.
Rachel's Daily Diary is here to stay.
Suppose I travel, away from computers...
There is always paper.
Unfortunately, I write faster than I type anyway.
Vainly, I try to capture a small kernel of my reality.
While where I will be in half a year is my biggest mystery.
X holds no meaning for me.
Yet, I am compelled to leave it there.
Z sees the end of everything.

1:00 pm
I just got dressed after a shower.   I think I should get out of the house today.   I need to buy some more pots for my plants (the ones I got in Hawai'i) and my dad says he has some work for me to do at his office.   Oh, and I have to go to the bank.   For some reason I always remember things when I tell someone else to remind me about it.   I am wearing a sarong I got in Hawai'i (known there as a parea).   I noticed as I passed Millers Outpost yesterday that Hawaiian shirts are very much in style right now.

7:04 pm
At 4 I was in the car, heading to Century City to do work at my dad's office.   I left there at 6 and at 7 I was turning onto my boyfriend's street.   The hour in rush hour traffic was fine, because there were some great songs on the radio.

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Monday
4January99

3:16 pm
I must say I dislike complainers, and as such have developed an aversion to the idea of being one.   Thus I feel guilty when I complain about something, which is horrid because I somethines let things build up.   I just sent an e-mail to a mailing list, suggesting some nettiquette to the members, who send personal messages to the group, etc.   I am sure to get some nasty messages back, but I feel a bit better, for nothing would change if I didn't mention my dissatisfaction.

My boyfriend has gone to Berkeley for two days, in hopes of getting readmitted to the college of engineering after a semester of community college.   I do hope things work out.   I so want for him to be happy, and we may not have much longer together, since I have no idea where I will be next year...

I spent the morning with my mother.   We saw Hilary and Jackie.   I was trying to explain to her my views on poeple's selfishness and I don't think she took what I said in the right way.   Sometimes I find her to be surprisingly close-minded.   She hears something disagreeable from me and she just shuts off to listening to anything else.   I think she's selfish, but we all are, and it is not at all bad.   Each person's world revolves around them.

9:11 pm
I have spent a good portion of today online, besides a trip to the mall with my brother and a wonderful dinner with my brother.   I have been making family tree websites and catching up on correspondence.   Of course this means I have neglected all of the calls on my answering machine, but I'm just not in the mood to talk.

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Sunday
3January99

1:18 pm
I did make it out last night, to a club called Garden of Eden on Hollywood Boulevard at La Brea.   I find the dance club scene most diverting.   I was, as usual, the only female that I could see who was not wearing makeup.   The were so many bleach blonds, and I realized how accostomed I had grow to the Bay Area's flavor of people as opposed to the LA crowd.   Regardless, I was delighted to get out of the house!

2:38
He and I have been playing on this machine for a while.   We managed to write a handsome cgi script to display web stats.   I really love learning new unix tricks.   I am never so happy to feel like a nerd.

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Saturday
2January99

12:07 am
My dad is upset that I am up so late.   But I didn't stay up late last night.   I allowed myself to go to sleep at 11 under the influence of two strawberry daqueries.   [Unfortunately for me, I just heard my brother fart in his sleep in the room next door.   I am not used to living in a men's house.]   In the middle of the day I was watching the news about the new Euro currency and the reporter said that it was already '99 in Europe.   At ten I shouted, "Happy New Year California-time!"   My dad fell alsleep shortly thereafter and I watched a special on Busby Berkeley films.   My brother took off to wander around and hopefully meet up with some kids his age (but he said this morning that they never showed up).   I did not particularly want to join him, especially since the oldest of them was 20 and they wanted me to "boot" for them (buy alcohol -- in the slang of a 15-year-old Canadian boy).   I realized the ridiculousness of this arbitrary excuse to celebrate, and since I had no prospect of going out dancing, and opted for bed.   Regardless, I do look forward to the party that next year's New Year's Eve offers...

12:42 pm
It is time for my to head off to bed.   I am hoping to go out dancing tomorrow night.   I really am excited to be 21, and i want to enjoy that feeling before it begins to fade.   I don't want to get an more jaded than I already am...

10:48 am
I popped online to write more about Hawai'i when someone knocked on the window.   It was our next door neighbor, who built one of the ugliest houses I have ever seen (come to think of it, my boyfriend would probably like the concrete and metal monstrosity; what a horrible place to raise children).   He said is your father home.   I said no.   Then Adam walked up and he said, looking right over my head, "Oh Adam, there's a fucking wierd growth on one of your trees."   Adam directed his attention back to me, saying, "Talk to Rachel. She's the plant expert."   I couldn't believe he looked right past me.   I am four and a half years older than my brother (though people always ask whether we are brother and sister or boyfriend and girlfriend).   Anyway, he managed to use the word fuck again as I made my way next door to see the plant in question.   He was right, I have never seen a plant disease like this.   It was like the white filmy stuff that insects make when they build nests for their young, but it was covering several feet of the tree.   Of course, our impolit neighbor said that my father could strat by "trimming the tree so that the cancer" stayed on our side.   just stared at him thinking, what a shmuck, and marvelling and the direct view into my room that they have if I didn't keep the windows closed on that window at all times.   Why would anyone build a wall of solid glass facing their neighbor's house?

Anyway, the reason that we went to Hawai'i was that my father recieved a time share, actually four, at a resort at Keauhou Bay on the Kailua-Kona Coast in exchange for legal services.   Being at a time share resort, they tried to get us to buy more time shares, thus offering us two for one on all activities if we went to a sales pitch meeting.   So we went to hear a nice women named Andrea tell us why we needed more than four timeshares, though I informed her that my father was planning on selling at least one of them.   We went parasailing, which was wonderful, and to a luau, which was really small.   I was surprised how smaller scale everything was compared to Maui.   The big island of Hawai'i is the biggest and the youngest (800,000 years).   It was wonderful to be there after having taken a course on Polynesian pre-history.   I understood so much more about the island's history and clture, and even discussed what I had learned with a native boy who's introductory language course my brother and I attended.   He said Hawai'i was settled by people from New Zealand, which was settled by Native Americans.   This was in complete contradiction to the archaeological and linguistic evidence I had studied in my class.

4:54 pm
I am still in my pjs and loving their flannel warmth.   My mom bought me a book on collection shoes and one on collecting perfume bottles for xmas.   I wonder why I love collection so.

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Friday
1January99
New Year's Day

11:27 pm
Happy New Year or, as we say in Hawai'i, hou'oli makahiki ho.   I just returned from a fabulous week in paradise -- the best vacation I have ever had (rivaled only by my trip to Kuai'i in 1995 which would have been as good if it weren't for the run in with the law).   My dad, brother, and I made our way to the big island for seven days of perfect weather.   We had just the right amount of activities, and I returned sporting three necklaces (two made of coconut wood), a ring which was intended as a toe ring, a handsome hanging basket made of coconut fronds, and many new tropical plants to add to my collection.   I am still growing the orchid I picked up when I was last in Hawai'i with my brother and father -- a trip to Maui during spring break, 1995.

I tried to write the Thursday before I left, but the network was down again.   December looks forgotten.   I came home to a delightfully small amount of e-mail, a smattering of family tree research querries and one special response to my attempt to get in touch with an old boyfriend.   Sometimes I suprise myself with how sentimental I am.