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Wednesday
30June99
12 02 am PDT
I know I have mentioned this before, but I think that Magellan's Search Voyeur is one of the most fantstic thinks I have ever seen on the web. I have noticed that Ask Jeeves now does the same thing. People are such inherent voyeurs; I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes to spy.4 21 pm PDT
I had heard of spiders having lot of babies -- Charlotte's Web et al -- but I had never actually seen it until now. Dozens of infintesimally small spiders are crawling on the wall be the computer here at my mom's house. There are always spiders here, and I don't really like them at all. Spiders and crickets are too hard to remove from the house without killing them. I picked up my dog from the kennel this morning and we have been enjoying a lovely day together. I hope to have dogs some day, a jack russel terrier for me and a chiuaua each for my children. Both Matthew and my mom's boyfriend are dog lovers; they've never found a pooch that didn't like them. I am going to go dig something frozen out of the freezer and then I will enjoy lounging on the couch in front of the TV.11 47 pm PDT
I am playing a mines variant game on the computer, trying to get myself tired enough to fall asleep. I am glad to have my mom home. I wanted very much to call Matthew tonight, but I decided that is best saved for tomorrow. I actually made plans to see old friends, so I feel a little more connected to the world. I feel odd. My whole body itches because I have gotten myself all nervous about spiders crawling on me. Having two houses means constantly adjusting, and since neither one is mine, I can't make either exactly how I want it.I am constantly making up stories in my head, and so tonight I had Matthew dump me when I call him. I wrote an entire diary entry in my head about how shocked I was and how I had really blown it. I guess my stories are usually negative -- about me being killed or tortured (and explaining to the police that I had visualized the whole thing in my head before it happened). I live out conversations, especially fights, over and over in my head before I have them. That part I hate. I don't visualize in images, ever. I can't conjure up an image in my mind. I conjure up an idea of the image. I often wonder what it is like for other people -- what it is like to be able to visualize. I also don't fantasize, at least not like I think most people do. I can't look at someone and make up a fantasy about them. I can make up some sort of story, but not usually a sexual one. In that department I am mostly just curious about what they look like with no clothes on -- the same curiosity I would have about a piece of art.
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Tuesday
29June99
1 30 am PDT
Once again, I have managed to stay up much to late. My brother left for Ecuador this evening; he'll be gone for more than a month. I am never here in LA without him, so it might be strange for me. I'm a little jealous that my baby brother is better traveled than I am, but I do intend to rectify the situation eventually. I just relocated a little page about me which I created in the Fall semester of 1997. That was when I started my diary, as well as when I started working.9 59 am PDT
I slept ok, and I have a lot to do today, but I feel weird. When my brother left last night, my dad told him that he would never live here again. That is probably true; my brother will be home for less than a month before he goes to college. My dad considers me to be temporary -- some sort of transition to be made in his lifestyle. I think it will be weird for him next year; he is so close to my brother. They are not just father-son, they are friends.10 24 am PDT
I've been searching Yale's website for comedy groups for my brother to join. Have found some performing groups, but he likes the writing aspect. I shall continue the search. It makes me feel close to him to be able to do things for him.10 33 am PDT
Berkeley has a humor magazine called The Heuristic Squelch. I used to bring home copies of it for my brother to read. My favorite article ever was an analysis of Snoop Dogg's Gin and Juice. When I first arrived at Berkeley, the first issue I received had on the cover an altered photo of the campus, where the clocktower was replaced by a giant penis. I knew I was going to be happy there! My brother would do well writing for a publication like that. He has always been a class clown. Alone or with either of our parents, he makes me laugh so hard!5 23 pm PDT
I have been working on creating a WebRing. Right now I am only working on the HTML and graphics, and I probably won't make it an official ring until August or September. I really am sad that my brother is gone. Hopefully my mom's return tomorrow will be exciting. I guess I'm also a bit lonely without Matthew. This is probably the longest that we've gone without talking since we started dating.11 04 pm PDT
It has been a very long, and very solitary day. Is this what I have to get used to when I go to the east coast? No more Matthew to keep me constant company. I really do love him, and we get along so wonderfully, but our relationship was so easy for so long, and now it is becoming work. How can we survive that? And be long distance? We will have two totally separate lives, his suffused with our mutual memories, and mine completely devoid of reminders except those which I will conjure in my head.What the heck is sassperilla (and how do you spell it)? I just watched most of The Big Lebowski on tv; it had some great parts and some not-so-great parts. I am trying to make the time go by more quickly. I feel bored, which is terribly pathetic of me, for there is so much I could be doing. I stayed on the computer today until I though my eyes were going to bleed and my should was going to fall out of the socket. I am now going to blast some Portishead and try to sink into this depression. I'm not even that sad, just unmotivated and pensive. I suppose this is what one would call a transition period. I don't think I like it. Change is good, and I embrace it, but I feel like I'm stagnating -- stuck in a rut. My thesis is a horrible weight over my head. I haven't even communicated with my advisor since she initially denied it. I know that is not a smart move, and yet i allow myself to sink deeper. And I still have to split the final bills for Cindy. I worry that if I begin asking "What am I doing here?" now I will have run out of questions before I get to New York. Ah, enough silliness. I am sure I can find some meaningless webpages to read, or perhaps I will curl up in bed with my book soon.
11 19 pm PDT
I just ordered a free CD of MP3s. The web is an interesting place to live. I have actually spent time thinking about how I will connect to the web from Nueva York. What a piece of work I am!
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Monday
28June99
7 14 pm PDT
My brother and I went to our mom's house last night. It was nice to spend some alone time with him. Tonight he is leaving for Ecuador for more than a month. I had previously made Minestrone soup with Matthew which I gave to my brother since he was feeling a bit under the weather. He went to drop something off at our neighbor's, and he came back with two stunning young ladies. They were both his age, and the three of them had gone to elementary school together. They used to have joint birthday parties; it is weird to know that I remember parts of their childhood better than they do. Anyway, the said I was an awesome sister for taking care of my baby brother. One of them offered to trade sister's with Adam. It was quite a compliment. After the ladies left, Adam and I stayed up late watching tv. I was so tired from staying up all night in San Diego (see yesterday's entry). I had a crazy dream about my dog, Blu. I had gone to some camping site, which I think I've dreamed about before, and I was going to go for an overnight hike with my dog. I arrived to see tons of people there with their dogs; there must have been some organized hike-with-your-dog activity planned. The leader assumed I was with the group; he began instructing me that I would have to take a cardboard box for my dog to sleep in. My mom was there and she began helping me pack, loading me up with dogfood and such. She is normally overprotective, so I was really surprised that she was being so encouraging about this adventure. My dog was tired already, from all the excitement. I went and sat on the outside steps, to gather all my gear up, when a bunch of French women walk past me into the building, talking about some sort of invitation. Then I woke up, as though some external noise had risen me from my deep sleep, but all was silent. I am adjusting to not revolving my life around Matthew. Even though he has been in San Diego, we have been talking on the phone several hours a day (which is, I'm sure, an indication of how our future will be with me on the East Coast). The initial reason for our fight is irrelevant, because we were handling that well. Then he asked me a question which I found to be inappropriate, but I tried to answer it as best I could. Then he said, "I don't want to hurt you," which I didn't especially appreciate (because I was pretty angry at that point, especially when he told me that I was not angry, I was upset), so I snidely replied, "What do you want?" He totally lost it! He got up; I asked, "Where are you going?" He left the room without answering me. This infuriated me. He likes to walk away when we argue, and I don't like it, so I have asked him not to. He has agreed not to, so now I see it as a sign that he is trying to deliberately piss me off. That is why I got so mad. He finally came back in the room, and not only said that he had done absolutely nothing wrong, but that I had been so horrible because I had made a single sarcastic remark while we were fighting. I was flabbergasted, and said that I was much to angry to talk. He said that I had to talk with him. I said that if he could leave the room, so could I, so I was mentally leaving the room. I went back to the book I was trying to read to get my distracted and tired enough to fall asleep. He ran over and ripped the book from my hand, hurting my fingers in the process, and threw it on the floor, insisting that I talk to him. I felt as though I had been slapped across the face; I couldn't stop shaking. He immediately knew he had gone overboard and began apologizing for losing his temper. He finally said he was going to take a walk, and I was glad to see him go. I was never so sad I couldn't just leave a place right then. The next morning (yesterday), he avoided me, but finally approached me before I left to come back to LA. He said he wasn't mad at me, but he didn't want to be around me when we couldn't talk (I spent all morning reading). He asked me to call him when I wanted to talk (it is oh, so easy to put the ball in the other person's court); I said I didn't know... I later e-mailed him saying that I didn't want to talk on the phone, so I wanted to wait until he was back up here. I have received no response. And that is how I stand with him...
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Sunday
27June99
6 24 pm PDT
Yesterday I went down to San Diego and I had an awful time. Matthew is down there staying with his best friend Evan, and he invited me down to go to a party on a boat. So I got a ride down with Evan and Matthew's friend Dell, who was also going on the partyboat, as he called it. Dell and I had an awesome drive down; we chatted the whole time. Then we got there and went in the jacuzzi. Eventually, Evan's roommate Derek got home, and brought beers out to the jacuzzi; I decided to go inside and read, so I lef the four men in the water. Later, they decided to go to Hooters for dinner, which I did not complain about. For those of you who don't know, Hooters is a bar and American food restaurant where men go to stare at women's bodies. The waitresses wear exceptionally low-cut, tight Hooters tank tops and tight, skimpy, florescent orange shorts, which leave you no choice but to stare at their buts. I had french fries and a garden salad. We then made our way to the partyboat (we were walking everywhere). The four men had pre-bought their tickets, and Matthew had invited me after the fact, so I was the only one who needed to buy a ticket at the door. We arrived and found the place to be quite disorganized, so we planted ourselves in one of two unmoving lines, not knowing which was for buying tickets, and waited. The boat was supposed to leave at 11, and we got there shortly thereafter; the boat was not leaving any time soon. I didn't want to go (I was sleepy) and Matthew could tell, so he suggested we ditch the event. I said Evan would be mad, but Matthew said he wouldn't and went to tell him. Evan was mad. So Matthew felt guilty about leaving, but he wanted to. I told him I wanted him to make the final decision, so he turned around and sold his ticket to the guy in line behind us. We set out for the long walk home. We had a great walk, chatting away into the night. Then we got home and managed to have a big, nasty fight, which I will have to go into later. I was up very late. At 2:30, Evan, Dell, and Derek arrived back. I asked them how the partyboat was. They never made it on. The boat was oversold by at least 100 people. The three young men had gone to a "tittie bar" for the evening. I sure am glad we left when we did, but after the fight I wish I had never gone down there.
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Saturday
26June99
I was trying to download an mp3 from this site but I wasn't able to download, so I wrote the link into my diary, and then asked my machine to save the link as source. It is very empowering to know how to work your way around problems on a machine.
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Friday
25June99
12 21 am PDT
I just had a super long conversation with my old boss, and dear friend, Randy. He and I can just gab and gab. When I used to have meetings with him, I would always schedule us for twice as long as we technically needed so that I could get filled in on the latest stories. I kept him up well past his bed time, and never made it up to my mom's house.I feel, probably erroneously, like I have a better handle on who I am than most people my age. But I have found that this knowledge doesn't give me much of a leg up in the self-improvement category. I know what I don't like, but I still have trouble figuring out how to fix it.
In other news, I have finally had to admit to myself that I was disillusioned about what the summer would be like for Matthew and I. Since the end of the semester was so difficult, I thought that being home and on vacation would be a huge relief, but I have come to learn that Matthew doesn't feel so hot about leisure time; he needs to be working at all times. He says he doesn't feel like he is on vacation here in LA. I am disappointed, even though my summer fantasy was all an illusion in my mind to begin with.
6 59 pm PDT
I spent much too long trying to win some TreeLoot this afternoon. My half-sister's mother is in town, and my dad asked me if I could spend the night elsewhere so that she and her friend could spend the night in my room. Regardless of how inappropriate it is for the now married woman whom he once had an affair with to spend the night here (she always does when she visits LA, but normally I'm not here), I found it to be rather rude for my father to ask that of me. Regardless, I complied without complaint, but he just called and said that now they aren't sleeping here, so I can stay, but they are coming over to make dinner here. I may leave anyway...My mother gave my brother and I an obscenely long list of house maintenance jobs to complete while she is out of town. These chores mainly involve watering for at least and hour every other day. My mom is also a neat freak, so he instructions included doing the dishes and taking out the trash every night. I left the trash there for a week just to prove to myself that she is ridiculous, and one night won't cause a major ant invasion. We got them all the time when I was a kid, but since then my mother has become more vigilent, and there have been no uprisings since she completed remodeling her kitchen last Thanksgiving.
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Thursday
24June99
4 14 pm PDT
Quote of the day:"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"Not knowing why I love making lists so much, I have made a list of lists in my diary. I am sure my list making fetish ties in with my love of doing research (hence my obsession with tracing my family tree), but I wonder what deep dark need that comes from. Perhaps I just like the idea of categorizing everything, or perhaps I like making order out of chaos. Who knows?
5 47 pm PDT
I know this is bizarre, but I get weirded out spending the night alone at my mom's house. Maybe it is because I have only done so a few times in my life. I did last night. That is the house I came home from the hospital to when I was born. I grew up there, and continued to spend half my time there when my parents got divorced. In the few times I did spend the night alone there, I stayed up very late watching movies on tv and managed to make myself very nervous. The wooden A-frame tends to creak a lot! On the 21st, Matthew and I went up there with my new cookbook and 4 bags of groceries. We had aspirations of making roasted red peppers with basil and balsamic vinagrette, rosemary roasted potatoes, and classic minestrone soup. I had also bought the ingredients for humus (canned garbanzo beans, tahini, lemons, and garlic). We only managed to make the peppers and potatoes, along with drinking a lot of wine, before we were worn out of cooking. We had fresh strawberries and chocolate for desert, and I was so stuffed I though I was going to burst! So last night we made our way up to the house again, and made some delicious soup. Then Matthew had to leave for San Diego, so I set up camp on the couch. I don't know why I didn't want to sleep in my bed... I made the humus, which reminded me of my old roommate Cindy, and watched tv, but there was nothing remotely decent on; Matthew and I had watched Pirates of Silicon Valley while we cooked. I finally gave up and read, and by that time I was tired enough to fall asleep shortly thereafter. I will probably be back there tonight, and hopefully I won't get all creeped out this time. It is difficult to be brave when your mind turns against you. I wonder if other animals can make themselves scared, or if this is a human-only trait.
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Wednesday
23June99
5 53 pm PDT
My sister went back to her home in Florida this morning. My brother leaves for Ecuador in a few days. I'd like to make a mini schedule of my summer. Here it is!
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Tuesday
22June99
5 39 pm PDT
I spent all day working on a new site. This is one of the ones my brother's friend left for me.
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Monday
21June99
10 19 am PDT
Father's Day was lovely. Barbra (a family friend), along with my sister and I, made two Thai Chicken Pizzas from The California Pizza Kitchen Cookbook. We stayed up late playing cards (as usual). My whole family loves playing cards. I would love to have some sort of cart life when I am old and married. I also want to learn how to play Mah Jong and Go. Games are a lot of fun for me. They keep me young. I am now going over to my man's house...
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Sunday
20June99
Father's Day
11:23 pm PDT
A proposed map of our routes for the intended drive across the country:
Obviously, these lines were drawn with absolutely no care whatsoever as to where the roads may actually be. The main gist is that my mother wants to visit Arkansas (AR), Tennessee (TN), and Ohio (OH). I had originally suggested that we travel through "The South", since neither of us had ever seen it [I secretly want to be a Georgia Peach for a day]. But I really want to go to Minnesota (MN) and Wisconsin (WI), and I wouldn't mind sneaking up through Berkeley, to visit my Aunt in Oregon (OR). There are probably very few people on this planet who have worse US geography knowledge than me! Anyway, I have a feeling we are going to my mom's states of choice, so I drew us as going through New Mexico (NM) to visit my Uncle (my mother's brother), who we have never been to visit. We could also begin by going to Utah, where we have several relatives. My ex Sam lives in Iowa (IA?), so if we are near there, I would love to swing by an meet his fiancée, Wendy. [I have a little voice for saying her name, which is totally lost on the web...]
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Saturday
19June99
My Brother's 18th B-day
12:14 am PDT
Jim just e-mail me that on 30 June 1999 he will be performing on NewsNight Minnesota, which airs on KTCA (PBS) in St. Paul at 7PM CDT. I can't wait! I am going to try to catch the show live with RealVideo. I am kind of wondering what he is doing up at this hour. He also said that he was enjoying one of his home brewed beers. I would like to make my own wine sometime.1 41 pm PDT
My sister had a huge tantrum today, on the phone with her mum. She was scheduled to leave here on Wednesday, but her mom called to tell her that she had moved my sis to a later flight. Rebecca screamed that her mom was only thinking of herself, and that she didn't want to be here a second longer. I'm sure that made my dad feel great, one day before father's day. Finally, Rebecca hung up on her mom, a skill which I was also most proficient in at 13. Her mom later called back and said that she had switched Rebecca's flight back to Wednesday. I was never able to get what I wanted from yelling at and hanging up on my mother. Times are changing...10 48 pm PDT
I hooked my computer up to my stereo, and I have been trying to record tapes onto my computer, so that I can turn them into CDs, but I am currently getting a ton of feedback. The family went out to dinner for my brother's birthday, and then we went to a cocktail party at a family friend's house. I love mingling with the adults. I had an absolute blast, and also got one guy's son's number, for a possible job hook-up. Perhaps he can also tell me where to go dancing in this city.
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Friday
18June99
2:06 am PDT
As one can see, I added the time zone, so that my entries could be dated more precisely. If I may make two signs of the times statements: the first Apple ever sold is being auctioned, and more importantly, some people in Brazil cloned a human embryo, and then killed it at 12 days. I am surprised people aren't more up in arms about this. Well, maybe they are, and I just don't know. I didn't even know we were manufacturing new quarters (for every state), until my sister told me today [technically yesterday]. Bed time for me, and hopefully I will hit the family history center tomorrow [technically today].2:17 pm PDT
Now I don't know if I am going to make it to the library (as I call it). I just made a wish list page, and I am going to go write one about Jim.11:14 am PDT
I have been watching a biography of Madonna, and I not only think she is a wonderful artist, but I think she is an unbelievably brilliant business woman. I feel that growing up in LA gives me a very different perspective on fame than most people have; you are immersed in it, if you live here. You learn to live as a nobody in tinseltown -- to live quietly in a city built on talk. That makes life just a little more interesting. [smile]When I was making my wish list today, I realized that I could go on and on if I continued listing non-material things. I want to be buff. I want to age gracefully. I want to continue to be thin effortlessly (if I am allowed to count my vegan diet as being effortless). I want to be successful. I want to come up good solid goals that I can always be proud of. ... Speaking of buff, I did my 9 lbs on my arms again tonight, and they feel like absolute jelly! I am surprised I can still type! I will probably do them again before I go to bed, just to ensure that I will be disgustingly sore tomorrow. I absolutely love feeling sore. I will specifically use or massage my muscles, just to feel how sore they are. I love it. I feel like I have done something healthy for my body. I have also been trying to pay attention to be sure that I eat enough protein, so that I can build the muscles I am working towards. Matthew definitely influences my appearance goals, and I am not ashamed to admit that. If he told me he loved it when I painted my nails orange, I would probably have orange nails a lot of the time. As it is, he loves athletic women, and he loves brunettes (to the point of hating blondes). So I can't really mind that my hair has made a natural progression from blonde to brunette in the past few years, and I do want to be one of those tight buff woman that one commonly sees parading around here in the city of angles. Since I am on a confession streak, I must also add that I wrote an erotic story earlier today, and squirreled it away on my computer, probably to not be read for several years, at which point I will be thoroughly embarrassed by the drivel I was capable of writing only a few years early (don't think I am just referring to that single story...).
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Thursday
17June99
6:51 pm
I almost died yesterday. I was going to Matthew's house and a person almost ran a red. I didn't see them until I looked towards the source of the sound which was the squealing of their brakes. They ended up half way into the intersection. If they hadn't slammed on the brakes they would have driven right into me (driver's side). It was the middle of the day, and the light hadn't just changed, it had been red for them for a while. It makes you wonder... Life is so fragile, as everyone says. I worry about what will happen to me when I travel, but I could go at any time right here... I hope I live to have children and watch them become wonderful adults.I spent the night at Matthew's last night. I had dinner with his family at Denny's. My family would never have dinner at Denny's. My mother would consider it too "grungy" and my father would take us for Chinese or Soup Plantation if he wanted a cheap meal. Thus, I have only been to Denny's with friends, and so it always reminds me of high school, and those days of leaving school during our free period to go get some hash browns. I find it odd to find my brother in the position of enjoying his last summer before college; I remember that sensation quite clearly.
9:29 pm PDT
We (my brother, sister, and I) went to rent a movie. After much deliberation, I selected Sven Brides For Seven Brothers (1954). Both my dad and Matthew asked me why I had rented the movie. I didn't think it was such a horrible idea. A friend had said it was her favorite movie of all time. I wanted to see it. It is suitable for a 13-year-old, and I knew no one in our party had previously seen it. Anyway, we are half way through and I am thoroughly enjoying it. This is a fantastic movie. And my brother and sister seem to be having a good time of it. We are currently breaking for dinner. My father brought home deli, and I had cereal. I left them to finish, tired of looking at the pink flesh of the roast beef.
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Wednesday
16June99
1:29 am
Lord only knows why I have had the urge to stay up so late as of late. My sister looks absolutely adorable asleep in her bed. If ever there were two more opposite sisters... Honestly, she fits in much better in Los Angeles than I do. Tonight I decided that I looked especially cute, and I turned a few heads at the movie theater. Being attractive really is all about attitude, which is a concept I have a hard time wrapping my head around. My sister thinks she is fat -- continually referring to her flabby thighs. I cannot describe how sad this makes me. She is 5'0 and 95 lbs. Talk about skinny! Also, she looks to me like she weighs even less than that. At 5'4, I weigh 100-5. I am always so surprised when men can gain or lose 10 lbs with no thought. Ten pounds is so much of a difference to me, but not to someone who weighs 200...2:29 am
I just made a few updates to my Super MOO List, since the server was down last time I wanted to do so. My stomach is having some sort of major protest against me, so I really must go to bed. My cousin Jim (our grandfathers were brothers) sent me a transcript of one of the pages of his journal, "to be fair" for being able to read so much of mine. I thought that was a rather fantastic thing to do! If it had been risqué, I would have felt as though I was in an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. I love that show!4:28 am
Yes, it is 4:30 in the morning and yes, I am still awake. Why? That is a supremely excellent question. I have nothing by way of an answer. I lost tack of the time; I'm a night person; I wanted to take advantage of the phone lines when they weren't being used; I wanted to take advantage of the quiet when everyone was sleeping. Will any of those do for an excuse? Yes, I have been naughty, and I shall surely pay tomorrow...12:40 pm
Matthew has been griping about DivX since it came out. We both thought it was a bad idea; I felt that it was very environmentally unsound. You would rent a DVD and then throw it in the trash when you were done with it. But Matthew hated the idea with a passion. So he proudly e-mailed me this morning with the announcement that DivX is a failed venture. They are having a two year phase out period and offering refunds. In more interesting news, they are now marketing MP3 cars and the CIA has a code sculpture. I really like the forefront technology is taking in our lives. For quite some time, it has been there without our thinking about it (like automatic doors at the supermarket). We usually only think about technology when it ceases to function properly.
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Tuesday
15June99
9:46 pm
I feel as though another day of my summer vacation has passed me by, and I need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to go back to school in the fall. My sister was a delight yesterday, and we stayed up playing cards and then reading (she is reading To Kill a Mockingbird for school, and I am reading a collection of short stories by Philip K. Dick). This morning we (my brother and I) left her to celebrate my brother's birthday with our mother, since she will be in Europe celebrating her 10 year anniversary with her boyfriend during my brother's actual birthday this Saturday. We saw Election which was funny, and well geared towards its teenage audience. I can't imagine any high schooler not liking this movie. The my bro and I came back down to our dad's house. There (here) I received a phone call from my newest found cousin Jim Pellinger. I was so delighted that he called, and we had a fantastic conversation. He is genuinely interested in what I've come up with, and I think he sees this as an opportunity to get in touch with some of his first cousins. His branch of the tree turns out to be huge. I knew of the four siblings, but Jim told me that his aunt and uncles had four kids a piece, and several of them have kids. ... Quite the find! My dad came home while I was on the phone and started yelling at me. I ended my lovely conversation with Jim and went into the kitchen. I asked my dad to not talk to me while I am on the phone (especially since he once again came in my room without knocking). He said he would not apologize. I was fuming; I find him to be so disrespectful of me. But I let it go. We (my dad, bro, sis, and I) went to see Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me and enjoyed that. The tent scene was very well done. Then my brother threw a fit on the way back to the car. I told him that I understood that he was a teenager, and angry at the world, but I really didn't want him to take it out on me. I tried to think back on being a teen (oh so long ago), but I can't remember wanting to make everything my way, as he does (not that I don't have a streak of that now). All I remember is wanting my mother to just let me do my thing. "Leave me alone!" was my motto. But I don't lecture my brother, or tell him what to do. I don't know why he feels as though he has to with me.
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Monday
14June99
12:21 am
I guess I am pretty terrified that my sister won't like me, that I'll some how "mess up" and ruin out weak bond. My whole family relates by teasing each other, and I have to work so hard not to fall in that rut with her, even if she is already there. This must be a taste of what parenting feels like, always worrying that you are messing up. Speaking of which, I want nothing more to be a parent. If I died tonight, I would die happy, but my only regret would be that I didn't get a chance to get married and make babies. My mom has started in on the whole "I can't wait to have grandchildren" thing with a vengeance. It seems like every time I see her she tells me what a great grandmother she will make. I'm 21! And I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. My boyfriend hasn't even graduated college! I don't blame my mom for what she wants, but she is a little excessive in telling me about it.12:43 am
I was just bumming around one of my friend's web pages (an ex-co-worker), and I came across the following quote:Work like you don't need the moneyThat is some pretty decent advice. I love the idea of having a career, but I finally stopped lying to myself, and admitted that I could be very happy as a housewife -- raising my children, doing my own research/collecting/writing, and doing charity work. ... As long as I don't have to do all the housework! Of course, I would have a magnificent garden.
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like nobody's watching12:51 am
I enjoy thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery. I don't think that my lifestyle would change very much, but I would live in a huge place all by myself. That's all I really want $$ for, is a magnificent pad. I already spend an obscene amount on food, which I would, of course, continue to do. I really believe that we are what we eat, and so I try to put the best in me. I also believe that when you crave something, that is your body's way of telling you that you need this. I am able to believe this because I don't crave junk food all the time. I most commonly get a hankering for some kind of fruit, and then I seek it out for an incredible price at my local (gourmet) heath food market.I really, really want to spend a few years travelling the world, but I feel that if I don't start on my career now (meaning that I have to go back to school first), I never will. I just feel like I should know what I want and be on my way there by the time I'm thirty (to pick an arbitrary date). So I envision this year off (22), then several years of grad school (25 to masters, 27/8 to Ph.D.). So I'll be 28 and where I am now, fresh out of school. I think because I started school early, and have thus always been younger than my classmates, I have a real drive to finish things up early (not specific things, since I am a real procrastinator, but life events...). The best part is that I have no clue what I want in terms of a career. Ok, I'm starting to bore myself...
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Sunday
13June99
2:48 am
I don't know why, when I am home alone, I get the urge to stay up really late. I was doing so good with going to bed around 10, and now this... I tried watching tv tonight. We didn't have cable in my apartment, so I got kind of out of the television loop. Now I find most shows too transparent; the production techniques overpower any modicum of interesting plot.I feel bad for saying I had a good body before. We are so well trained not to do that (except, apparently, me). I hope no one is awake reading this at this hour. Would you rather have a stunning face and an "eh" body, or an "eh" face and a great body. Grass is always greener, right? I also feel like a total baby for complaining about having no money. Everyone has money problems, and I am not the first person to graduate college and find themselves broke with no job. Besides which, I do have a job, it just isn't steady or reliable work. But when it rains, it pours, as the saying goes.
In looking for journal webrings yesterday I came across BaddGrrl's journal and saw that someone anonymous had sent her a new Palm Pilot. I think that made me a little jealous. I look at my very small corner of the web and am so surprised to find what other people are doing with theirs. She is quite beautiful, and lives her life by several webcams, which I would consider if I actually went to an office every day, or even know where I would be in 3 months. No, probably not. This is about words, not images. Anyway, her site is replete with ads and links from which she probably receives kickbacks. Your gonna say you can't make a living that, and I'm going to inform you that beautiful women can do most anything, and manage to get a lot of perks out of life, even though this is a man's world. Of course, you have to play into it; you have to give them what they want; you have to let them watch you on a webcam. It really isn't that bad. People like to watch. I'm an exhibitionist. I do envision myself stripping in a club -- just one night, I'd audition, and I'd take my man to stuff dollar bills into my undies. Lord, it is too late for me to be writing (3:08!) and I sometimes get very nervous that this is all going to come back to haunt me.
11:48 pm
My sister arrives in town tomorrow from Florida, where she lives with her mother. She is 13. I wish I could be a bigger part of her life, but that's pretty hard with a teen who lives across the country. I have no idea if she wants to be close to me. She is her mother's only child, and I sometimes wonder if she will be closer with her step-siblings, whom she lives with, than me, her half-sister. When I was little, I always wanted an older sister, and I was so excited when I learned I had become one (I found out about her when she was a year and a half old). But this isn't the vision of sisterhood I had imagined. I only see her a few weeks out of the year, and I want so desperately to be part of her life.
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Saturday
12June99
1:15 pm
Genealogical research is slow an often unfruitful. I can't describe my delight when something clicks. I love having my own personal mystery to solve, as I explained to my newly found cousin Jim this morning. I woke up to find two e-mails, one from Jim with a definite connection, and one to a woman who may have made a connection on my maternal great grandmother's side, a branch which I have absolutely no info about (not even a birth or death date). I was very excited. I wish I could explain what it means to me to know my roots, and that's a pretty funny idea, since I don't associate myself at all with the Catholics-from-Wisconsin half of me, but rather entirely with the Jews-from-New-York half. I like having a puzzle to sort out -- especially since I am so problem-solving oriented. I wish I could get paid to do this. I keep coming up with obscure jobs, like spending years transcribing the 1910 census for New York and then selling copies of it on CD, or some such nonsense. I would probably be very happy doing this. I just need a fat grant to subsidize the project.8:55 pm
I spent the better portion of the afternoon enjoying my breakfast and painting my fingernails a shade I lovingly refer to as "fuck-me red". My dad's friend Barbara dropped by, and I must say I think she is fantastic. She is actually interested in family tree research, so we spent a bit of time talking about that. I was just now paging through a sound effects message board and I came across a lengthy group of fart sounds from farts.com. Oh but the web is an interesting place...9:40 pm
I don't take well to secrecy, and I am wondering if this is a bad trait. Some time my Sophomore year I ran into an old friend at his job in the student store, and while I was there one of his co-workers asked me out. His name was Scott, and he seemed nice enough. Clean cut, but as Desirée described him, he looked like he drove a motorcycle. Tall; I like that (I have no idea why, since being 5'4 makes everyone taller than me). He gathered a selection of morsels from the deli of Whole Foods as well as a lovely spread of fruits for desert. We had the standard first-date-dinner conversation, made slightly unstandard by the fact that I ask so many questions (insatiable curiosity, et all). If I don't ask questions, I usually end up doing all of the talking. Ok, it just occurred to me that I have told this story before, so feel free to review about Scott from November 1997. For quick review: he was diabetic, but he wouldn't tell me why he had gone off of insulin for a time. The real clincher though, was when later in the evening he refused to tell me him age. Excuse me? Hello? My point being that I think friendships and dates and most every social interaction are about sharing information, not hoarding it away. I am quite fond of asking people whom I have just met to tell me their life story. In fact, I had pretty much written Matthew off when he flat out refused my request for his life story the first night I met him. You have to at least humor me a little! [I have, of course, since forgiven him, though I don't think he has forgiven me for refusing to kiss him that first night. One good refusal deserves another...] Anyway, I know understand that I have little tolerance for people who won't tell me things. I ask a lot of questions, true, but I expect at least some of them to be answered.10:20 pm
On the 3rd I said I was in that phase where I hadn't let people know I was home. Well, I'm still there. Every day I think that I should call Cindy, but I always think that when she is at work, or when I can't muster the energy.Tomorrow I am having brunch with my mother and her best friend Margaret. The brunch is a graduation present. It should be fun. I am glad I get along with women my mother's age. I feel it is really limiting to not have older and younger friends. The different eras that people grow up have profoundly different effects on my age. I used to always tell me mother she never was my age -- she was never a teen in the 1990s, and that was a radically different adolescence than being a teen in the 60s. There's no argument about that. One might as well compare it to the 1760s.
10:35 pm
For some reason, I absolutely love ZenMOO. I think I mostly enjoy the fact that people use it. You open up a Telnet session to zenmoo.zennet.com 7777 and you create a character by typing: cr charactername password. Now you are connected. Now you sit there and accumulate idle time. You can type @who to see who is logged on or top to see the top scoring idlers, but then you'll mess up your score. The comic on this web page explains it all. So you sit there. If you type anything, you mess up your score, and get some pithy message, such as: "The keyboard is sure to block your mind." or "Activity through inactivity." It's great! And people spend many hours trying to get the top score! Now, to make sure you don't just walk away from your computer, they ask you questions, and if you don't answer them promptly, they give you the boot. I always think that this would be a great use for text-to-speech software.11:38 pm
Graduation presents. Some people get cars. One of my best friends got a Rolex. I wanted a camera and a laptop. I know the camera I could square away, and I knew I'd have to work this summer to save up for the laptop. But I'm broke. I spent my graduation money on moving (can you believe it cost over $500?). I'm dying for the latest greatest G3 laptop. Of course, with my budget I am planning on getting the one older generation. I just need to be sure to get one that is fast and has lots of hard drive space. So much for my powerbook fund... I hate being broke.
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Friday
11June99
8:50 am
I was terrified to get my grades this semester, mostly because I knew that the prof I had for two classes doesn't give A's. But he gave me a pair of A-'s, and I got other A- and an A in filmmaking (as well as my ridiculous incomplete in my honors thesis). So now I have that weight off my chest. Anyway, I was bummed out because my GPA was a 3.697 and I really wanted it pushed over the edge to a 3.7, even though I could have used rounding for these purposes, but now it is officially a 3.710, so I am satisfied.5:32 pm
I must admit to going to the Family History Center today, but I also began doing some freelance web work for $55 an hour, which suits me just fine... My man went to San Diego for the weekend, which is good, because we probably need a small break from each other. He is having trouble adjusting to being back in LA, and I just want to loaf.8:21 pm
I finally did it! I finally moved my diary to the new server. Hooray! Now I have to redesign my home page and move all of my other crap... It sounds like a good summer project! I like the idea of getting something new online, but I am not very motivated to do so.10:33 pm
My goodness. I've been online for hours. I know that doing so isn't good for me, but I can't resist. I have begun to doubt my creative abilities -- graphic design, specifically, this evening. My father and brother are away on a trip together for the weekend (I need not mention that I didn't get a private pre-college trip with Dad). The house is disturbingly quiet. Rather than freaking myself out, like I did last night, I have managed to lose all sense of time via the internet (though I did notice when it got completely dark, and then I turned on the light). Matthew is also away; I feel free and yet naked in how I [mis]use my time. I have no excuses, and no plans until Sunday, so I am free to accomplish as much or as little as I manage to.My entire body aches. I am trying to be good about this working out thing, but my arms are so sore that it hurts to turn the steering wheel when I drive (and I have power steering!). I must reevaluate this notion of working out every day. But I feel that if I have the discipline to do so, I should stick with it until I can't stand it anymore. I want one of those movie transformations where there are quick cuts of different exercises while a single song plays and then you have a brand new body when the music dies down. I know I have unrealistic visions of the ideal body. Yes, I am the product of American consumerism, but I can't seem to escape that. I know I am wrong when I look at the women in the Buns of Steel videos and think that even their thighs are too big. I know, and yet I can't help feeling that way. Here I am sitting in a body that most women would die for and I am eternally dissatisfied. But I don't feel so bad about these ridiculous ideas because they don't prevent me from eating, and I know I am much too lazy to become an obsessive exerciser (Lord, that would be nice!). I want arm muscles; I want them bad! I bought my 9 lbs and I never touched them after the first week I had them. So this time I want to stick with working out, or provide an answer I won't be embarrassed with right here. Is everyone else are ruled by and riddled with guilt as I am? I wish guilt did not motivate so much of my behavior.
10:58 pm
I just read on /. that Dr. "Bones" McCoy died today. That gives me such an empty feeling, like I don't know what emotions to have. I get so excited in my family research when I find a death certificate, but I hate actually thinking about dying. I feel as though I am slightly preoccupied with death and so I try not to talk about it so people won't know. Once again, I am embarrassed for my mental makeup.
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Thursday
10June99
9:55 pm
I had a long dream last night that Matthew and I were being chased. He finally got caught, but I escaped and hid in some sort of cabinet, only to get locked inside. When I awoke, the cabinet had been dumped in the ocean and I was drowning. I made a conscious decision to wake up and not continue the unpleasant dream. I would like to have more control over the direction of my dreams.I spent an obscene amount of time at the Family History Library today and I loved it. They are beginning to recognize me there. I don't know what research delights me so. I remember that my favorite thing about going to my father's office when I was little was getting to alphabetize files. Ah, to placate my anal side... Anyway, I had really done all I could with the censuses and I was just dying to find out what other goodies they had there. I located New York death records up to 1965 and naturalization records for 1791-1906 for New York. What a find! I was really into it when I realized it was 8:15 ant I had been there since 3:15. My goodness, time does fly when you are looking at microfilm in a basement!
I feel slightly bad, but I really can't explain why doing this research makes me so happy. I can't tell people how or why I enjoy it, only that is gives me great pleasure. Do I really need to proffer further explication?
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Wednesday
9June99
9:14 am
I am engaged in a rather fascinating e-mail discussion with a man named Wolfgang in Vienna. We met on a MOO and I haven't been able to resist grilling him since then. I love people who will answer all of my inane questions.Last night we rented Austin Powers and it came with deleted scenes at the end. It was worth seeing just for those! I can't believe they cut the "Cheeses of the World" sequence!
Matthew smacked me while we were laying in bed this morning. I asked him if he was ok, and he began profusely apologizing; he was playing basketball in his sleep (trying to rebound). I have never dreamt about basketball.
10:25 pm
Well, I actually managed to get my tushy in gear and exercise this evening. I have been having some killer headaches of late, and I know they are partially due to lack of exercise. Now my thighs feel like jelly. My arms actually gave out on my while I was doing my 9 lb freeweights (well, only my left arm gave out).I am alone this evening because Matthew went home. He practically ran from here. He is so unhappy, and neither he nor I know what to do. The end of the semester was so difficult, and I guess I built up the notion in my head that everything would be great once we got back here. No such luck. It turns out he's never been back to LA for the summer since he left for school and he just doesn't know what to do with himself. It makes me so sad in my heart to see him unhappy, and to be powerless to help.
Between census microfilm, the television, and my computer, my eyes are really giving out on me. They are the real cause of my headache, and I'm going to give them a break by going to bed.
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Tuesday
8June99
6:38 pm
Today was a running errand day, and is pay day. Of course, I forgot all of my stuff at my mother's house, so I will have to make a second trip up there this weekend. My man is in a funk, and I feel as though I am too. I still have to work on my ridiculous thesis, as well as doing real work, but I just want to waste my time away at the Family History Center. My trip yesterday was exceptionally fruitful, with many sightings in the censuses. I even braved my way into the unindexed 1910 census, and found a match for Wisconsin. I was not brave enough to tackle New York. Next trip I am going to make a stab at 1890, but I am not very hopeful. I would also like to visit the nearest NARA site in Laguna Niguel.
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Monday
7June99
8:15 am
So I have a little story about my brother's graduation dinner Saturday night. My dad's friend Dennis generously offered to host Adam's grad dinner at The Beach Club. But I should back up. When I was in high school, a small restaurant opened on Montana Avenue called Whitney's. This was one of the best restaurants I had ever eaten at, and the family (my bro and I usually went with my mom) almost always got the Java chicken salad (I, of course, had mine without chicken). My brother and I walked to Whitney's many days after school and partook on the delights therein. One day we drove by it and saw that it was closed -- like that, without warning. We were very sad. I thought of calling the number on the lease sign to see if Whitney's had possibly moved to different location. I missed my chickenless Java chicken salad. After many years I gave up on ever tasting those treasures again.So, Matthew and I were the first to arrive at my brother's graduation dinner, and as we ordered drinks I chatted with the server; he didn't know his Scotches, but he said we could ask him anything about tomatoes or mushrooms. Then I looked down at the menu of what was being offered at The Beach Club and it said "Whitney's" on the top. I jumped down into the salad section and saw the Java chicken salad, a golden beacon of tastiness on the menu. I announced that my brother was going to be very pleased with the menu, and indeed he was. We both enjoyed our respective salads, but it wasn't until several more visits to the table from the man who had taken our drink order that I realized that he was Whitney. We showered him with compliments and made inquiries into the demise of his restaurant. My father talked him into making a batch of his Java salad dressing for me to take home. It was a wonderful surprise to find a long lost treasure so unexpectedly...
One of my open telnet sessions just beeped at me:
shell syslogd: discarded 128 unwanted packets in secure mode
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Sunday
6June99
10:05 am
Yesterday I attended my brother's high school graduation, and I concluded that graduating from high school is much more exciting than graduating from college. You have more energy, and you are moving on for the first meaningful time, and you are looking forward to a new life no longer under the constant supervision of your parents. The kids would clap every time any of the various speakers remotely eluded to the notion of graduation, which , as you can imagine, was quite often.There was a large family and friend dinner last night, as well as the night before. I met one of my father's good friends, Barbara, who spoke of wanting to do some genealogical research. I was so excited to have a partner in crime. I don't really mind that my family is unsupportive and uninterested, but I wish I had someone to regale with my success stories.
11:27 am
My grandfather just walked to the house. He said it took him two hours to get here from Santa Monica Blvd. That is impressive! I am involved in an online chat on Dare To Dream MOO. They sure are friendly! As usual, I was trying to update My Super MOO List.2:42 pm
I just found that you can get the weather forecast by telnetting to madlab.sprl.umich.edu 3000. The internet has so many nooks and crannies, and people think that the web is all there is...
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Wednesday
3June99
12:55 pm
I am hoping to go to the Family History Center today and do a little research before my grandfather's arrival tomorrow. Tomorrow the family begins to arrive in a flood that will be ebbing in and out all summer. I am crabby whenever I talk to my mom, which I need to snap out of, and I am also much to lethargic. I have a routine when I come home to LA, which involves me sitting on my bum for a week before I let anyone know that I am here. I am still in that phase of reentry.
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Wednesday
2June99
8:56 pm
First dinner out since I've been home was enjoyed last night by my brother, Matthew and I. We were seated next to the woman who was in Spaceballs and Melrose Place, who I vaguely recognized, but never would have been able to peg if our waitress hadn't filled me in. Matthew said her name was Daphne; she was really beautiful! Yesterday was also senior award's day at my brother's school, which the entire family failed to tell me about, so I missed it. He won 8 awards, and I really wish I had been there. The worst part was that both my mother and father said, "I can't believe you weren't there!" when they were the ones who didn't tell me it was going on (the school having notified them that my brother would be receiving awards). I am actually rather upset with my mother, who told me that I should buy a car rather than borrowing one of her two for a month. I couldn't believe how selfish she was, and I am having trouble with the forgive and forget thing, so I am avoiding her house for several days.In true unpredictable LA fashion, it rained last night and is springling now. It's June! I have been repotting plants, and I will have to do a major rearrangement tomorrow of all plants located in my father's house. Tomorrow is clean up day, since my grandfather arrives on Friday for my bother's Saturday graduation... I like having family in town, but I know I'm not going to be very productive.