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Tuesday
31 August 99

3 14 am edt
Rachel has been a very bad girl, and stayed up much too late.   She has completely ruined herself for tomorrow, which she will probably need to be reminded of, as she will no doubt complain.   Bad Rachel!

7 32 pm edt
I went to a stationary store yesterday, which is one of the myriad places I could spend $1000 without even thinking about it.   These places include:

book store, hardware store, nursery, gourmet grocery store, stationary store, the apple store [but that would be more like $10,000], BCBG [dresses], music store, computer equipment store [like Fry's], stationary store

Today I filled my family tree sketch books with all of my old information.   It felt good to be getting all organized.   I have been throwing out redundant info, and in general, cleaning up.

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Monday
30 August 99

Life in New York:
11 47 pm edt
Trying to adjust yourself into someone else's life is often very difficult, but I think living with my grandfather will go very smoothly.   We had dinner together tonight, and I had a yummy margarita (on the rocks, no salt).   I also took a three mile walk today, soaking in the sights along Madison Avenue, and trying to imagine the culture shock of coming here for the first time from somewhere as simple as middle America, or as different as the South Pacific.   I tackled the white and yellow pages, looking for things to do (I made a list which involved the Botanical Gardens, the IMAX theatre, and the Municipal Archives), how to get around with public transportation, where to print my family tree (no one prints poster size for under $100 it seems), etc.   My grandfather made me a duplicate key to the apartment, so now I really feel as though I live here.

I have dove in head first to my family tree research.   I made a to-do list involving the requisition of several vital records (a trip to the archives is slated in for Wednesday) and the contact of several people who's names and addresses I have just become in possession of.   I did successfully get in touch with one person, my grandfather's [first] cousin Sylvia; we will hopefully make a trip to New Rochelle to visit her.   I also tried to get in touch with a doctor named Michael, but the number I had was for a medical practice, and the receptionist said he had left them years ago to start his own practice.   Attempts to track down the address or number in Washington, DC via the internet were wholly unsuccessful.

The day was deliciously cool, but this city does stink.   I am told that August is the worst month for it (which happens to always be when I visit, due to a family tradition).   I was surprised by how many business men were walking about in their suits smoking cigars (often while simultaneously talking on their cell phones).   I am thinking of getting a cell phone just so that I can have my own phone line on which to receive calls, but that may be a bit too trendy (and extravagant) for me.   I did invest in two sketch books today in which to keep all of my family tree info more organized (one for my maternal tree, and one for my paternal).   i spent the latter part of the afternoon decorating them.   I have always loved a good arts and crafts project.   The sleepiness bug has sat on my head, and I must go to sleep.

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Thursday - Sunday
12 August - 29 August 99

please join my mother and I on US trip '99

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Wednesday
11 August 99

Today Matthew took me to SIGGRAPH '99's Electronic Theatre, and then I got some shots of my sister with the digital camera my mother's boyfriend's son is so graciously letting us borrow for our trip:

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Tuesday
10 August 99

12 36 pm PDT
On Display August collab: regret
I live my life to not regret anything.   I believe that if you learn from an experience, then it is worthwhile to have, regardless of the fact that it may have been an unpleasant experience.   Having no regrets doesn't mean that I don't think I would do things differently if I had them to do over.   It simply means that I attempt not to wish I didn't have that experience -- to feel guilty about it or beat myself up over it.   I cannot think of any things that I regret, only myriad life lessons, which I am thankful not only to have had, but also to be able to remember...   Regret is a short subject for me, as I strive to live without it.

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Monday
9 August 99

10 16 pm PDT
My mother had a little pool party at our house for our neighbors who my brother and I grew up with.   It was lovely, and we all enjoyed sharing stories of our childhood.   My parents were friends with two couples, and all three women got pregnant at the same time.   I was born and the other two were boys.   Then three years later, all three women got pregnant again, and we each got a baby brother.   Thus I grew up with five guys, and was more of a boy that any of them.   I still make Matthew cringe with my stories of the time I brought home a baby king snake I had caught with my bare hands.

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Sunday
8 August 99

3 23 pm PDT
I talked my mother into us leaving Thursday instead of Wednesday, since it occurred to me than I am leaving in four days and I have not packed, nor finalized my thesis.   Things are beginning to really pile up.   I feel swamped, and just like the end of school, I wanted it to be over asap, but I simultaneously wanted it to go by slowly so that I would have more time with Matthew.   He is the reason I asked my mother for the extra day in town.   Actually, my mum and I have not finalized even what states we are going to, which for me makes the adventure more fun...

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Saturday
7 August 99

10 28 am PDT
First I dreamt that my brother and I were in Vegas, and he put $300 down and immediately won back $384,000.   Second I dreamt something which I no longer remember, and third I woke up with "Our house is a very, very fine house" stuck in my head.   Matthew and I stayed up very late last night; I was watching LA Confidential while his mother, father, and himself proceeded to fall asleep on their living room floor.   The Hollywood Bowl show was spectacular, especially the beautiful fireworks show at the end.   I was very sleepy (I tired myself out in their yard yesterday), so I spent most of the performance with my head in his lap.   I think I may have pulled a muscle in my right shoulder (either that or I was exceptionally sore immediately after working), but today my entire back is sore, which I love the feeling of.   I also got a blister, but I am so used to that from when I used to horseback ride.

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Friday
6 August 99

3 21 pm PDT
This morning I took my mom's car in -- the one I have been borrowing for the summer -- which wouldn't have bothered me so much if this wasn't the second time (the first time they were unable to find anything wrong with it).   Matthew's parents had two small dumpsters delivered, which we spent the rest of the day filling.   I was at my finest.   When it comes to home improvement projects, I won't complain and I don't give up.

3 56 pm PDT
I feel much better after a shower.   I think that we -- as people -- have a psychological need to be clean that is not backed by the physical.   And then there are those who are obsessed with cleanliness...   That is a whole other psychological phenomenon.

Matthew's family has invited me to the Hollywood Bowl for a picnic and show, which I think will be a lovely and relaxing event after today's activities.   I secretly didn't want to go, but now that we are closer to the event, I am excited (and glad I didn't make an excuse to miss it).

11 55 pm PDT
Two nights ago I had a long dream about staying in this huge house while preparing for some conference.   The only thing of real note in the dream is that there were two couples who were gay lovers who were brothers, both pairs of which looked identical.   Everyone there seemed very tolerant of the incestuous couples -- probably because they couldn't have children.

Last night I dreamt that Matthew and I were in the Cuban war (whatever that meant in my dream, since we were clearly here in Los Angeles in the beginning).   We were at a party at my mother's house and we had to leave because we had to take a woman somewhere.   The bombing was about to begin.   We were headed for the car when suddenly we were getting on a horse.   Matthew saddled and bridled the steed like a pro, but I was disappointed to find that we were riding Western.   Then we were in a car again and we went to an office building where we showed a movie to people to keep them calm.   Then we could hear the soldiers coming.   There was some sort of martial law by which soldiers would kill anyone the could find.   We began hiding, and suddenly we were filling out a survey of how many people we could hide away in our space.   I discovered that one of the women there was a total revolutionary; she said we could fit three people under a bench.   The dream became very cinematic as I began experiencing the surroundings through her eyes [normally I dream in third person but I mostly watch myself].   She had a dawning when she noticed the dozen or so pink cupboards on the wall.   We could hide so many children in them [I don't know if she thought this or said it].   But I was terrified, for if one child was found, all of them would.   Every child would have to be perfectly still and silent.   More happened which I don't remember, but then the soldiers were actually searching the office we were in, and a little girl seemed to give away the location of the people under the bench.   As they went for the soldiers, one of the revolutionaries shot the little girl in the head.   As I was deciding on if she had just gotten in the way, or if she had betrayed her people, I thought I don't want to dream about this anymore.   It was a bit much for me.

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Thursday
5 August 99

5 36 pm PDT
Coming to you live from Rachel's brand new Powerbook...   Looks like I am going to have to update my computer page.   My brother has returned from Ecuador, the car needs to be taken in yet again, and I am swamped with work.   All I want is to finish my thesis and get paid.   Matthew and I went out with one of his highschool friends yesterday (Aaron).   First we went to a pool hall, and then to a real bar.   We arrived at last call, and were enjoying our drinks as they closed everything down.   I saw the bartender and a woman getting in a fight; he dragged her into the back room.   What followed was not just yelling but the distinct sound of someone being slapped, along with pounding [on the wall?] and glass breaking.   I stood up and went into the back room and asked if everything was ok.   I felt better to know, and to see with my own eyes.

This morning I went to get the car washed.   I watched how hard the men were working (all Hispanic, one female).   I got out a big tip, because having my car washed is worth more to me that I what I paid for it, and I figured the worker should pocket the difference.   I saw a great card with a picture of Jackie O. on it, which I purchased for my mom and filled out with a little I love you letter.   Then I looked at the time and saw that I was 15 minutes late already.   I went to the car and asked the guy for it.   He said three more minutes.   I told him I was going to put my stuff in the car.   He stared at me blankly.   I walked around and saw that the door was locked.   I called across the hood to him that the door was locked.   He began to walk around and I told him again.   he said he didn't speak English, so I pointed to the lock and made a little pushing down motion and said "locked".   He read me and went around and unlocked the door.

Como se llamo locked? [How do you say locked?]

His answer was long, and I had difficulty saying it when I tried to repeat it.   I think he was amused by that.

Then he asked me where I lived.   I answered.

Y tú? [And you?]

Los Angeles.

He asked my name, and then several questions to which I could only reply: No comprendo. Mi espanol es muy, muy malo. [I don't understand. My Spanish is really, really bad]

I then gathered that he was asking me where I had learned it, so I said escuela. [school]

The whole time I kept thinking of things to say in French.

Then he asked me something about esposo.   I guessed this meant boyfriend (incorrectly; it means husband).   Then he said novio (which does mean boyfriend).   I said "boyfriend?"   he asked what is boyfriend so I put my hands to my heart and said love.   He said yes.   I said yes.

I couldn't believe I had found someone who's English was worse than my Spanish.   I enjoyed (as I think he did) our little conversation, consisting of so much repetition and gesturing.   I am so fascinated by the ways people manage to communicate, and the commonalities that arise in society -- such as the nearly universally understood hand gestures that all drivers know and use to "speak" to each other.   I remember a short time ago telling a woman with out words that her blinker was on.   She silently replied "thank you" and "I must be losing my mind" all in gestured, to which I replied "it's ok!"   I would love to learn sign language,m and wish that was offered as a foreign language in school...

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Wednesday
4 August 99

12 04 am PDT
Tonight I ordered a top of the line, brand spanking new PowerBook G3 -- just like I've always wanted.   Of course, Apple said it would take ten days to ship, which is after we leave for New York, so I shipped it to my grandfather's in Salt Lake City.   Then my mom calls.   We're not going to see grampa, we are going to see my Uncle in Albuquerque.   Great.   Even better, the Apple site meant 10 business days -- although it did not specify them as such.   I think I am going to have to cancel the order.   In addition, I don't have the money to pay for it, because I have been unable to get ahold of my inheritance from my grandmother (who died in 1997 and left me a college fund which I neither knew about nor used), because my father has been really unwilling to be helpful [she is still legally the guardian of the money, and I don't have the ability to obtain a death certificate to prove otherwise].   I know from my genealogical research that you have to be immediate family to obtain such documents unless the person has been deceased for around 50 years (dates vary by state).   Speaking of which, I got my grandfather's parents' death certificates in the mail yesterday.   His mother's cert had nothing useful, besides an alternate spelling for her maiden name and her middle initial listed as "V" (I wonder what that stands for, or if I would have any way of ever finding out...).   But my grandfather's father's cert was a blessing, listing both his birthdate in 1865 (in Austria) and both his parents' names (including mother's maiden name!).   My great grandparents of Austria were Matthew and Rosalia.   I never ever thought I would get this much information...

3 37 am PDT
I stayed up late watching infomercials.   They totally work for me; I want to buy whatever I see.   Tonight I was convinced I needed a new moisturizer (not that I have a current one...).   I also watched a badly produced show for a hair removal cream.   The women were so phony and stilted.   They said the competing methods are shaving, waxing, and sugaring.   Sugaring?   I've never hear of that.   I gather you use melted sugar instead of wax.   That must be an excellent way to burn yourself.

1 08 pm PDT
After the Apple ordering fiasco, I called today and cancelled my order.   Did a modicum of research on Shopper.com (why are the cheapest places always in California, where I have to pay sales tax..?) and placed an order with Outpost.com.   Free shipping for next day delivery!   I am now very excited.   I had a lovely conversation with the sales rep named Mike, and told him I would give him a call when I reached the East Coast.   Now I have someone to show me Connecticut -- won't my brother be so impressed!

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Tuesday
3 August 99

12 05 am PDT
Bizarre fact of the day:

FCC regulations limit ISP transmission speeds to 53 Kbps in the U.S.

I have convinced him to spend the night, and so he is winging his way to my house as I type.

12 28 am PDT
There is usually a point when he hasn't arrived, that I begin to worry that he had been in an accident.   These are very maternal feelings I have for him -- in much the same way as I protect my brother as though he was my child.

12 56 pm PDT
I forgot to eat dinner last night, which has become a rather nasty habit which I am most dissatisfied with.   I try to imagine the ways in which my life will be different when I am living in New York, but I can't really fathom the new routines I will make.   I always laugh at how my parents do things the exact same way -- day after day -- but I think our little rituals define us as individuals.   All we are is a collection of our genetic make-up (which we can't do anything about besides recognizing it) and our experiences (which is why we should live life to the fullest).   I suppose we are what we do.

11 23 pm PDT
I told him point blank yesterday that I would not have an abortion if I got pregnant in the future.   Sort of a silly thing to discuss when I am moving across the country, but there it is.   He is not happy with that decision, but he accepts it.   People say that you should discuss this if you are going to be having sex, but I don't think it is unreasonable to wait to discuss it until there is an issue to discuss.   Why have an argument when one is not warranted?

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Monday
2 August 99

4 46 pm PDT
I hoped it was coming, so I didn't even wear a pad.   I waited for that stain to let me know.   And it started when I went to the bathroom, so I didn't end up getting a stain, but I did get relief.   After the broken condom incident I now know I am not pregnant, for my monthly announcement has arrived.   I tried to avoid discussing the implications with him; I said let's not talk about it until we know if there is something to talk about.   But he knew from my few words.   I would have a baby now if I got pregnant.   I take all of my visions of my future self and I rest a cradled baby in my arms.   I see it.   He said a scare like this reminds you how sure you are that you're not ready for kids yet.   I'm ready.   I'd like to wait, but I'm ready.

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Sunday
1 August 99

3 32 pm PDT
We spent part of the morning talking about having children.   The air was thick with tension.   And I realized I am going to the East Coast in 11 days.   I feel sick in the pit of my stomach.   We are afraid to touch each other, and I want to crawl away and hide; he sees this plainly.   He will not let me be alone tonight.